Tuesday, 29 December 2009

Iris Robinson - A half arsed tribute

The wurld shud note that ah hiv nat passed oany comments oan Iris but ah kin noo revail thit it wisnae ma fault. Ah fur yin saw nathin' in her previous political coments which indicated that somethin micht be wrang, but there ye gae.

Ah wus tryin' til think o' wurds til express ma sadness at her retirement, but cudn't. Oan the bright side, ah unveil oor new pin up. Michelle McIlveen......

Luk how her coat matches her fleg. Ah love her.

Thursday, 24 December 2009

1690 Review o' the Year

Ah hiv made a thing. Ah was quite pished when ah made it, sae apologies fur that. Ah think ye need tae click on it a couple o' times.

Happy Christenmas an' all thon......

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Christmas Piece

Unusually Sammy Wilson an' Catriona Ruane hiv decided fur tae issue a joint Christenmas card the year, yin wha depicts them exchangin' cultural items. Ah thunk yis micht like til see it. Sammy's puttin oan weicht ah reckon.

Pure Dead Brilliant Christenmas Gifts......

Bout ye......

Sunday, 13 December 2009

Ulster Scots of the Decade

Ah hadnae realised we were fur comin' til the end o' a decade, but then ah noticed thit awl the papers are reviewin' the nochties, an' ah thunk ah shud dae likewise. The rise o' the DUP tae power o'er the last decade mains thit they feature richt an' heavy.

10. Barrack Obama.

As explained a while ago, Barack Obama his gat Ulster Scots roots. Burstin' oantil the scene in late 2008 he thus is able fur til gain a place in oor top ten folk. His place wus unner threat frae Thierry Henry, who almaist sneaked in fur services rendered til Ulster Scots who want til watch the wurld cup wi'oot boys in thar wurk bein' smug. Howiver winning the Noble Peace Prize fur Peace wi'oot daein bugger awl proved thit he's a boy til be reckoned on.

9. Iris Robinson

Iris cud be in this list oan loveliness alone, but she is awarded place nummer 9 fur her general kindness, goodness of hart and Christian charity. That an' her work buildin' bridges wi' the gays. Howiver Iris hid better watch hersel o'er the next decade, fur thy'on Michelle McIlveen is a richt lukker an' holds equally attractive political views.

8. Me

Professor Billy McWilliams ris frae hummle roots fernenst Lisnaffify til become the wurlds fowermaist Ulster Scots cultural commentator in the north Tyrone region. Whilst he has his detractors, Mrs McWilliams, yer yin wha wrote in til complain til the paper, the Pope an' the o'er yin wha wrote intil the paper, there can be nae doubtin' his influence in high level Ulster Scots circulars. This despite a chronic addiction til Sausage Rolls an' the fact thit he has til spen' a lot o' his time batin' weemin aff wi' a stick.

7. Ian Paisley Junior

The Reverend Dr Big Ian Paisley may hiv grabbed maist o' the heidlines o'er the last 138 years, but Ian Junior his bin wurkin' away quietly in the background. O'er the last wheen o' years yung Ian his overcome chronic disadvantages, a basic lack of intelligence, poor family connections, nae financial accumen an' a face like a depressed horse til become yin o' Ulster's favourite an' maist respected MLAs. Ah think.

6. Jordan/Katie Price.

Yis didnae knae she wus an Ulster Scot did yis? Well she is, an' she's wile famous sae ah've included her fur that rasion alone, nat because it gave me an excuse fur til luk up images of her oan the interweb. In this picture she appears til hiv twa boys frae ma wurk stuffed doon her dress. There were better photys but Mrs McWilliams micht luk at this.

5. Paul Berry

Rememmer him? He had a wile bad sports injury an' went fur a massage. Sae whit? Disgracefully treated by the media on account o' his injury, he wus bate aff in the election an vanished. In dae'in sae he did us all a great service, revailin' as he did the anti-Unionist bias o' the newpaper folk in this country. As such he remains an icon tae folk like messel, determined fur til bring balance an' dacency back til the media.

4. Christine Bleakley

The voice o' the Ulster Scot oan the BBC, Christine is knain an' loved by awl fur her infectious laughter an' in depth interviewin' techniques on the "Yin Show". This is officially the gratest television o' awl time, mainly because o' Christine. Ivrything ah've learned in the wurld came aff the Yin Show, apart frae ma intensive knowledge o' sexual techniques, which ah learned aff the "Busty Ballymena" an' similar gentlemen's websites. Christine is the nummer yin pin-up in the McWilliams household, or at laist in ma shed. Fur it has a key, an' Mrs McWilliams cannae get intil it wi'oot knockin'.

3. Tiger Woods

As wi' Jordan yis micht nat be aware o' his Ulster Scotsness, but apparently he has just aboot every race in the wurld in thar somewair an' the chances are we're involved. Thit an' the fact that ah went til school wi' a boy called Woods, an he wus frae Lurgan sae it maist be true. Like Paul Berry, he is bein' unduly criticised by a pro-Republican media, fur a crime he micht nat hiv committed. Ah dinnae raid the papers much, but wiv all driv intil things roun' oor hooses an' we havenae been hauled o'er the coals like Tiger. Mrs McWilliams driv intil me yince, an' ah hid til smash the car windae wi' a cricket bat, but she was drunk at the time. Sae wus ah mine you. We had a quare laugh after.
Oh aye, an' he's richt an' handy at the Golf, which wus invented in Scotland, sae he makes nummer 3, nathin tae dae wi' the fact thit ah'm runnin' out o' ideas.

2. Dr Wullie McIlveen

Controversial international archaeologist, writer, cattle rustler, banjo player an' film director (dirty), Dr Wullie McIlveen is the "power behine the throne" fur arselves here oan 1690. Although he his been less prolific in his writings of late, the auther of "Stains ah hiv hoked oot" an' "Celtics ma Arse" has remained busy. He is currently engaged oan a script fur a new film aboot the hunger strikes. Intended as a reposte til yer artist boy's film "Hunger" it is essentially a revisionist view of the period, unner the wurkin' title "Cud ye gae a Chicken Supper."

1. Sammy Wilson.

Who else cud it be? Former school teacher, nudey fella, comedy turn at Party conferences an' general awl roun' polymath, Sammy has harnessed his knowledge o' the wurld o' Science tae become the wurld's tap expert oan climate nat changin'. When Sammy speaks, wurld laiders listen. Heid yin Peter Robinson recognised Sammy's genius, an' the high level o' repect in which he is held, an' promoted him fur til be in charge o' awl oor money. Sammy is nat afraid tae make difficult decisions, swinging his axe aboot like he wus runnin' oan a French beach. With his fair minded attitude, political maturity an' three different jobs til dae, it is guid tae know that Sammy is there tae guide us through these troubled financial times. Truely a mawn til reflect oor times, a decade in which lack of talent is nae barrier til bein' in charge o' wile important things.

Thursday, 10 December 2009

Nathin' as usual

Bein' busy wi' ma wurk thing, an interactive exhibition designed fur til explore the anals o' the Ulster Scot, ah hivnae time fur an update. In such circumstances ah usually fall back oan a quick trawl in the wurld o' the media.

At yinst ah wus interested in this......


Ah knae yin thing, ah've yit til git oany money aff them, useless bastards, but it isnae the story o' the week, fur this is.........


Now growin' up in the seventies, ah hiv a deep seated fondness fur Mr Shakey, but if ye wur truely lukkin' fame wud ye really git a job fur a Ballymena paper an' try an' get a snap o' Shakin' Stevens? Ah think not, yid be after an exclusive shot fur the Newtownards Chronicle o' Iris Robinson wi' her tap aff ah'd say. Ah hiv sevral in ma private collection, if yer interested.

Finally ah foun' this yin fur wee Davy in the office...



Naid yer help this time, nat sure whit til spen' ma fiver oan.

Saturday, 5 December 2009

Christenmas Decorations

Wurkin oan some special decorations fur tae make the true Ulster Scots tree. if ye print them oantil cardboord they jist micht wurk.

Nummer Yin:
Why buther wi' Canny Sticks, hing bawnsticks the year.....

Nummer Twa:
Furget Ho, Ho, Ho; lets hiv a bit o' festive No, No, No!

Gentleman Jim Allister gits intae the Christenmas Spirit.

Nummer Thrie:
An yin o' his elfs.

Micht think oan a few more, but ah hiv a feelin that ah willnae. Ah hiv a star somewair ah think.

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

American Presidents: Part Yin


Afore ah start, ah must apologyise fur a chronic lack o' posts an', by extension, Ulster Scots education o' late. Aside frae a calender ah've done ballick awl, an this is awl attributed fur til wurk. Ah hate the existence o' wurk, but hiv yit tae fine someyin daft enough fur tae pay me til screed shite in Ulster Scots. Here's fur hopin'. Thus taenicht ah trawled ma half writ things an' discovered thit in yin o' ma mair drunken moments ah decided fur til embark oan a histry o' American type Presidents frae the wurld o' Americae. Thy'on'll haf til dae fur the noo.

American President Nummer 1: Gearge Washingtin

Yin thing the Free State Folk cannae take away frae the Ulster Scot is thit we invented Americae. Ivrythin' aboot Americae came frae here, we foun'ed awl its states, wun awl its wars, grew awl its fuid, invened maist o' its things an' bred maist o' its laiders. In fak jist aboot everythin excep' Vietnam an' John F Kennedy (who nat oany near as so started a wurld war but gat hissel shat oan by a librarian) kin be put doon tae the Ulster Scot. Thus taenict we unveil a braw new segment in 1690: USA - Ulster Scots o' Americae. Ah've set messel up tae prove thit ivry single American President came frae Ulster Scots stock (excep' JFK fur obvious raisons) sae taenicht we begin wi'......

Part Ah: President Gearge Washingtin

"Washingtin?" yis cry, surely he wus Inglis, in fak, isnae thar an Inglis toon by that very name! How kin ye passibly wurk oot thit he wis an' Ulster Scot" Usin the power o' lateral thinkin', an' Guinness, ah hiv bin formulatin proof......

  • Maybes thar is a Washingtin in Ingland, ah say, but thar is alsae a "Washing Bay" near til Cookstown. Ah've niver bin thar, but the name always struck me as odd. Wis it, perchance, some kindae strange place where by yid wash a truck oor a tractor? Sae a googled it (jist noo oan the hoof) an it turns oot thait it is a real place. Ah further researched an' foun' oot thit Bay is an ancient Ulster Scots wurd mainin' "Heavy Weicht". Perhaps as heavy as a ton? Makin Washington*
  • Washingtin famously said "If defeated everywhere else, I will make my stand for liberty among the Scots-Irish in my native Virginia". Whit is oft left oot o' the quote is "by which ah main' Ulster Scots, nat the o'er sort, in case yid git mixed up".
  • The hole constitution wis writ by boys frae here. The original preamble o' the furst draft raid....... "We the Folk of the United States, in Order til farm a mair perfec' Union, establish Justice, ensure domestic pace, provide fur the commun defence, promote the genral Welfair, an' secure the Blessins o' Liberty til arseselves and oor Posteriors, dis ordain an' establish thy'on auld Constitution fur the United States o' Americae, so we do."
  • Apparently it wis oany by the intervention o' yin o' the German delegates thit they drapped "Ye boy ye" frae the preamble. They evetually agreed fur til use Inglis, rather thin Nazi, as their Language. This is an oft furgat compromise, fur maist o' the constitutional convention boys stuck "Portavogie Scots" in the box fur langwidge o' choice.
  • This picture, ah hope, will dispel any lingerin' doubts aboot Gearge's Ulster Scots Ancestry, crossin' thy'on river wi' his fleg helt high. Ye kin almaist here him call oot "'Bout ye Inglis folk! Nae Surrender til yis!"

* This bit micht be made up**

** In fak iverythin' is maist likely made up, but ah'm nat sure, fur ma research is hardly whit yid cawl, extension.