Monday, 29 June 2009

Kultural Laziness

A nummer o' yis hiv bin askin after "Busty Ballymena - When Braid Gurls git Bad" - lukkin' how til fine it. Ah cudnae link tae a site like thy'on, an' a wudnae, o' coorse, knaw how tae git til it, but a dae hiv this yin pictur. Fine lukkin' gurls yil agree.

Nat a real update taenicht fur ah'm tired oot an' hiv tae git til the dacturs in the mornin' tae see if he'll lance a boil. Instied ah'm goin tae cheat by trawlin' youse tube tae find Ulster Scots, an Scots, kultural extravaganzas.

In Twa: A beautiful an' edukational poem. Make sure tae listen the hole way thru.

In Thrie: The History o' Ulster Scots sung by a mentalist.

An' that'll dae fur the noo, ah taul ye ah wis lazy the nicht. Ah shud add, keep yer comments comin' oe'r the heid o' the previous post. Ah'm revisin' fur a big drinkin' session wi' Peter an' Iris in the Stormount bar.

Friday, 26 June 2009

Drinkin' games

Unusally ah'm fur a Friday nicht update. Mrs McWilliams is at the Anahilt Presbyterian Ladies nicht oot, an wee Billy is at his nanny's, laivin' me wi' nathin else tae dae except lie aroun' in ma undergarments tryin' tae resist the temptation o' websites the likes o' "Busty Ballymena" (When Braid Gurls git Bad).

Thus ah wis googlin' away, researchin histerical an enviromental matters, when ah came across this site - Re: Cycle Bicycle aid fur Africans . A guid cause yil agree, but whit gat me wis thar clever way o' usin' the Re: an' stickin it wi the cycle. Fur ye see it's aboot cycles and aboot recyclin'. Pure genius. This ploy shud be used by mair folk, ah wish ah'd thunk o' it messel, fur ah wud o' called this site Re:Ballicks.

Howiver it led me oan til thinkin' an' ah hiv invented til messel a braw new drinkin' game. Ah micht copyrite it, but fur the noo its called the "Make up charities an' the like wi' Re: in the name wile quick or else drink a shot o' Wullie McIlveens home made rocket fuel game". Note ye must discribe the group, an' it his tae be a real wurd, an' Irish is barred.

Ah will giv' some examples below, fur things that ah made up, fur ah hiv nathin' better til dae.

Made up things wi' Re: in them

Re: Peat - The support netwurk fur Turf Diggers.

Re: Lax - Lazy Folk Anonymous.

(Ye git the idea noo?)

Re: Populate - Anti-Condom Protest Society

Re: Member - The male ex porn star's support group.

Re: Port - Fur themuns wha live in Larne.

Re: Flex - the national union fur electricians.

Re: Putable - The Society fur Placin' Wee Things Wile Careful.

Re: Cant - The Viagra Users Association

Re: Pent - National Society fur People who cannae Control thar Anger.

Re: Late -

Re: Publican - Derry Vintners Club.

Re: Invigorate - the social club fur the girls frae "Busty Ballymena".

Ah'm sure yis kin think oan mair. Fur noo ah'm aff til Busty Ballymena, fur til see if thy'on big gurl frae the Mace is oan the nicht. Fur research puposes oany. But she is big.

Wednesday, 24 June 2009

Happy New Year

Nat too many folk ootside the Aist Ards area knaw but, like the Chineses, the Ulster Scot his his ain New Year. This o' coorse falls on the yinst o' July as we enter the heicht o' the Marchin' Saison. The Ulster Scots Calender is set frae 1690, when the guid Laird sent his servant King William III til bate the pope at the Battle o' the Boyne, ensurin' that Orangemen cud walk oan the Twelfth. Thus we are the noo cummin' til the end o the year 319 AB an' lukkin forward til a properus 320.

Here at 1690 we hiv noticed that this aspect o' Ulster Scots culture his slipped aff the radar somewhit, an' wid like til revive the traditions an' celebrations associated wi' it. Tae thon end ah hiv included the lyrics tae the traditional festive song - The Twelve Days o' Marchin. If ye want til sing along, ah've included the tune.

Marchin' Song

On the yinst day of Marchin',

ma true love sent til me

A stand aff at Drumcree.

(Etc - ah'm nat gaontae type the hole lat oot, ye git the idea, it gaes oan til the last verse........)

On the twelfth day of Marchin',

ma true love sent til me

Twelve lambegs drumming,

Eleven bonfires burning,

Lord Laird a-leaping,

Nine fat girls dancin’,

Echt residents protestin’,

Seven sticks a-twirlin’,

Sax drumskins bustin’,

Five bluuuuuueeeee baaaaaaaags,

Fower made up flags,

Thrie dodgy burgers,

Twa white gloves,

And a stand aff at Drumcree


Furgat aboot the pole agin. A clear winner fur the Ulster version o' the fry. Ah'm glad til see that Lizzie Fry gat a cupple o' votes, Wulie McIlveen his bin examinin' the fiver, an reckons that he wud rathr hiv her than an Ulster Fry any mornin' but he's a durty auld git.

This weeks pole is based oan the fak thit ah can't think oan anaither yin. Alcohol is involved, thats awl ah'm goantae say.

Monday, 22 June 2009

Brakin News Agin

Sammy's bin promoted. Efter awl his guid wurk puttin' the Enviromentalists back in thar recyclin' boxes its guid til see him git his reward. The wurld may be in the middle o' an economic doonturn, but we here in Norn Iron kin rest aisy now that Sammy's in charge o' the Finance. Ah hiv tae say it is heartenin' tae see the likes o' Sammy an' Edwin takin' charge o' important offices o' state, it shows ye whit hard wurk, intelligence an' political skills will git ye.


Howiver that is nat why ah'm oan, fur oan the undercard tae that story is the news that Nelson McCausland is oor new mawn fur Culture. Ah wud urge raiders tae glance doon an' notice oor postin' o' last week. Ah wudnae want til puff ma' ain flute, but clearly the DUP hiv taken heid o' oor pole. Wi' Nelson an' his unusual beard in charge o' Cultural matters, ah'll be oan the luk oot fur a wee grant, or maybes sum kine o' high flyin' advisin' jab.

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

On Line Dacturate

There isnae time fur a full blowed update this week, fur ah'm over tired. Howiver South Aist Ards Bible an' Caterin' College hiv bin in touch aboot thar new e-larning program. Apparnetly Billy McQuillan an' his fella academics hiv bin lukkin' intae coorses an' hiv come tae the conclusion that thars a wile lock o' Celtics study things oot thar but nae equivilant fur the Ulster Scot.

Billy his therefower agreed tae fully accreditise the raidin' o' this website an' turn it intae a PhD. Tae save oan paperwurk awl yiv gat tae dae fur a dacturate is raid this website frae time tae time an' then download this picture. We've left a wee hole fur yer name. Hopefully it'll luk well in a frame beside yer picture o' the Queen.

The main raison fur this is tae help oot awl them archaeologits who arnae called Dactur, fur the Dactur yins saim til think that thar grate an' boss the wee yins aboot. Spakin' as a Professor mesen, ah wid nat let any o' them Dacturs near me wi' a rubber glove, fur they widnae knaw thar arse frae thar nostril.

Howiver it cud alsae come in useful if yer lukkin a joab in the Ballymena branch o' Tescos, or if ye want tae become a commentator oan motorcycle road racin'.

Incidentally, yin o' ma soorces his revailed thit the Norn Iron Civil Service his blacked access tae blogs, includin' this yin. Social netwurkin' sites they call them. Jist as well ah say, fur it wud distract the civil servants from social nat wurkin, listenin' til ipods and starin' blankly at spider solitaire.


This weeks pole is based oan fuid. Agin.


Ah near furgat, themuns at the Ulster Akademic Research + Statistics Executive hiv finally gat roun' til updatin' themsels wi' new nummers.

Monday, 15 June 2009

Bit Ten point Thrie - Celtics an' things

Afore we move ontil the Christians, it wud be a guid idea fur tae clear up a couple more things aboot the Celtics. In Bit Ten point Yin, Professor Wullie McIlveen went sum way taewards debunkin' a few o' the common misbeliefs that knack aboot, but he has asked me til add a few mair points o' information.

Celtic Myths an' the Like.

These were all writ doon by Monks, lang after the boys in the stories were deed, an' then revived in the late C19th by anaither o' the enemies o' the Ulster Scot - the Anglo-Irish. High falutin' folk such as Lady Gregory got all hot unner the bussle o'er the heid o' boys like Cuculainn, writin' doon the tales fur a wider audience as part of what becum knain as the Gaelic Revivin'. The ideas o' these Anglo-Irish were a big hit wi' folk, includin' Free State Archaeologits. Every time they hoked somethin' oot they said it wus the Celts whit burried it. Ballicks. Anyhow, Cuculainn was clearly a Loyalist, as kin be seen frae this histerical murial. Unusally it alsae appears to indicate that Super Mario is a member o' an illegal organisation.

Incidentally the Anglo-Irish folk proved thar hatred fur the Ulster Scot by signing an agreement in 1985 wi' Margaret Thatcher (milk snatcher), which sold all Ulster's Rivers doon tae the Free State, ah think.


In Bit Fower Wullie McIlveen delt wi' sevral o' the DNA myths that are put aboot by Free State folk effectively provin' that everybudy was here befair the Celtics were even thunk on. Howiver since then there's bin a wile lat o' talk that haff the cuntry is descended frae yin Niall o' the Nine Hostages. Wullie his conducted his ain research wi wimmin in an aroun' the Saith Antrim area, an his wurked oot that Niall wud a' needed nine sausages tae father all them folk.

Niall an' his Sausages lived oan the cusp o' the Early Christian Period in Ireland, sae unusually fur 1690 we will hiv a seemless transition intae the nixt histry instawlment: Bit Eleven - Christians.

Transfer Pole

Oor last pole asked tae see who yid rather transfer yer vote til, a resoundin' victry fur Elmo aff Sesame Street. Now some oot thar wunnered at this unusal choice o' candidate, but thar wus method in oor madness. This pole proves ma lang held belief that a furry faced boy is mair likely tae git elected than a baldy boy. Thus Ah urge the DUP tae take note o' oor findins an promote Nelson McCausland fowerthwith.

Friday, 12 June 2009

Belfawst Telegraf

Ah hid intended fur a praper histerical update last nicht, lukkin closely at how St Patrick brung Presbyterianism til Ireland, but Wullie McIlveen phoned me til tell me that oor site had gat a wee mention in the Belfawst Telegraf. Nat as guid as gittin' in the Newsletter ah'll grant ye, but welcome nonetheless.

Ah thunk ah wud scan the article an' put it up til save yis buyin' the paper.

Whilst the publicity frae the telegraf man is welcome ah must point oot til him that we arenae a "satirical Ulster Scots website" we are a praper edukational thing, dedicated til revailin' the true histry o' this island. This is somewhit typical o' the shoddy journalism ye find ootside the Newsletter. Ah hiv e-posted til the boy til put him richt.

Monday, 8 June 2009

Election stuff agin

And Lo....

a grate cry came up frae the people o' Ballymena, "Why Laird?" they wailed "Fur Why his a Shinner tapped the pole?" An' the Laird did anser unto them. "Dinnae be feart, fur the Shinner oany gat 26 percent o' the vote oan a 40 sumthin' percent turnoot so its hardly wurth the wailin' fur."

But the Ballymena folk didst bate themselfs wi twigs an' the like, sayin', "We dinnae unnerstawn them big sums, a Shinner is at the tap." The Laird did get hissel enraged an' ris up oot o' his throne an spake... "This time I did nat send yis the Big Man, he wud hiv won it fur yis. My party didst choose a wee stupid hen, an she didst make a ballicks of it, so that'll larn yis nat tae vote Jim Allister nex time."


Ah'm sayin' nathin' aboot the elections except tae point oot the fallyin'....

Yin - The low turnoot saims tae indicate that the traditional Ulster craft o' vote personation is a dyin' art. Less than a 50% turnoot? Vote early vote aiften.

Twa - The British Naturist Parity gat thar yinst seats over in England, but they put nae candidate up here. Why nat? Dae they nat realise that there is an acute shortage o' crypto-fascist, flag wavin', policy bereft freaks in these parts. We cud dae wi' them tae introduce a bit o' political lunacy amid these intellectual waters.

Thrie - More importantly ah hiv noticed a few odd things that hiv occured unner this PR system....

  • When the Green Party Boy an' Ian Parsley Jr o' the Allisance were eliminated thar transfers went mainly til the SDLP and Big Jim's CUNFs, as ye micht expek. Howiver, 4284 folk transferred til Jim Allister. Who oot thar thunk, "Ah'm a moderatin' type o' boy, ah'll vote Allisance, or Green maybes, then transfer messel tae Jim Allister?" Ah am startin tae think thar micht be sumthin in this Ian Parsley/Paisley joke aboot auld folk.

  • Then, when Jim Allister's boys transferred themselfs 2614 o' them went til the SDLP? That'll defen' the Union.

Which brings me tae this weeks pole, if yer candidate fur an election wus eliminated, who wud ye rather transfer til.....

Thursday, 4 June 2009

Nathin important.


By the time ye raid this yin o' the sevral mentalists whit stud fur election fur the EEC will hiv tapped the pole. Ah thunk lang an' hard(ish) aboot which candidate ah shud support, an' in the end voted the same way as evrybudy else, the same as ah voted last time. Due tae European fundin' strictions, we at 1690 had til stap gittin' involved in the palitical debate, but ah'm glad now that we did, fur they are awl a bunch o' arses. Supportin yin arse o'er the heid o' anuther wud saim tae be a pointless exercise in arse promotion.

Bit Ten Point Twa - The Irn Ages Agin.

Ah hid intended fur a prolonged examination o' Late Irn Age mythology taenicht, but ma research time wis rent assunder. Instied o' spendin' Wednesday evenin' wi a big book o' histerical things, me an' Missus McWilliams went oot til see a rack concert by Donaghcloney's tap tribute act "Caulplay". Thar version o' 'Yella' is somethin til behold. And 'Fix ye'. And "Viva la Veda".

Thus ah cannae be arsed, except tae say that the Red Branch Knights were clearly an early loyal order who gave doins tae yins frae the Free State, particularly Connacht, who are brock at Rugby til this day.

Ah micht research fur next week, when ah think its Christians, unless ah've furgat an age.


Flake - obviously. Ah'll let the Slider/Poke conundrum run til later. Fur confused Englis Folk - a slider is a slap o' ice cream betwain twa wafers, a poke is a poke.


A apologise fur the nummer o' arses this week.

Tuesday, 2 June 2009

Arse By-Pass

Fur a wheen o' years there's bin a wile lat o' fashin' aboot the Dungiven traffic situation. It saims that the guid folk o' that toon arnae tae happy aboot the amount o' motors gae'in through it an' hiv demandeded a by-pass. This his caused consternation amung some archaeologits, fur the pruposed new road gais wile close tae a cupple o' histerical things. We here at 1690 hiv bin examinin' the new road plan an' hiv come tae the fallyin' vaguely archaeological conclusions, which we will persent in a consultin' fashun til the roads minister boy.

Yin: The current road his bin used fur a wile lang time. It is, in effect, the traditional troute, an' til bend it aboot wid be messin' wi' the Queen's Highway. That is an inhearantly wrang thing.

Twa: The road as is gaes past the Orange Hall (the buildin' wi the steel windaes in the middle o' toon). Divertin' it wud remove the Orange Order frae thar central place at the heart o' the Dungiven community.

Thrie: The new road will pass wile close til Dungiven Priory. The chancel o' this yoke contains a tomb carved wi' Glasgowglass warriors. These were a fine body o' Ulster Scots who (it saims) fought mainly ootside pubs.

1690 Preposal: Professor Wullie McIlveen (o' the University o' Mid-Antrim) reckons that ploughin' through archaeological territry fur the sake o' a by-pass is wrang. Instied the roads boys shud tak thar bulldozers straight through the middle o' Dungiven an' stick in a through-pass (laivin' the Orange Hall be). Accordin til Wullie, this wud kill twa birds wi' yin stone, but I amnae tae sure whit he means.
The dodgy prevert pole ended in a draw betwain horse an' thing. Over til youse Englis folk til sort that yin oot.
Personally ah think yis awl naid help.