Friday, 20 August 2010


Ah'm afraid the hole furore o'er the heid o' the boys sacked fur nat gi'en foreign folk the brew passed me by a wee bit, an' hence Ah missed the latest musings o' yer woman Cooper. Ah didnae git the paper yesterday, instead spendin' the evenin' watchin' the delightful Christine Hamilton oan Celebrity Masterchef. Ah am gi'en serious thought til puttin' teaegither a pilot fur the BBC calt Celebrity Plasteredchef, wherein local famous folk will git full drunk an' try til mix twa different types o' cupasoup fur the laugh. Ah wud quite like til see the faces thy'on twa smug judge fellas as Julian Simmons sets fire til a chip pan an' Pamela Ballantine makes egg in a cup.

Anyhow ma thankins til Daveboy fur highlightin' the story in the comments bit o' the previous post. It wud saim that some woman calt Ann Cooper, who once rose til the dizzy heights o' defeated council by-election candidate fur the TUV, threw her considerable political clout behine the sacked civil servants. Accordin' til the paper she said ""Well done lads. Sorry you got caught. You deserve a medal. We need more like you." Fur some raison this has provoked a torrent o' abuse in her direction, but Ah fur yin think she has a point. Ah wud like fur til take the whole thing further, nat oany shud immigrants types nat get the brew, but a swathe o' welfare reforms shud be introduced forthwith til deal wi' parasites on oor society.

Old Folk: Are nae use whitsoever. Thosuns that arenae mopin' about in small houses complainin' about the caul are clockin' up in hospital costin' us a fortune, all whilst gettin' fat pensions aff the state. They shud all be made til wurk til their 85 an' then put down. An' they shudnae be allowed til drive. Likewise:

Children: Now there are reasonable economic benefits til havin' a future papulation, an' educatin' them til a basic standard, but the whole thing is gettin' ridiculous. Weans are gettin' away wi' hangin' aroun' school til they're 18, half the time oan hallydays. It is reasonable til assume that if they get out at half 3 they can wurk til 6 at the laist. I wud suggest that the recyclin' plants are ideal fur them, fur they are always bangin' on aboot the enviroment.

The disabled: How many times hiv you tried to get intil a bank or similar public buildin' oany til find ye hiv til zig zag up some complicated ramp type structure fur five minutes afore ye reach the door? This is all doon til the disabled demandin' access til places whilst nat considerin' the time wasted by economically active folk windin' their ways til their destinations. These shud all be removed an' the disabled folk can wait outside til somebody sees them.

Athletic People: Folk wha take exercise are a massive burden on society, fur they are always strainin' some part or breakin' some bone. Thus they are aff work or in the hospital a wile lat, an' yet the state provides leisure centres an' the like fur them til hurt themselves in. Furthermair, a non exercise type person like messel contributes immensely til the exchequer through massive alcohol/fags taxes an' then gets slated if ye cough or are are a wee bit hungover in work. Sports equipment like guttees, exercise bikes and the like shud be taxed prohibitively til stap folk injurin' themselves. Eejits.

Country People: As well as the social costs of high levels of inbreeding in parts of Tyrone and North Antrim, country folk place an' undue strain on the enviroment. They may want to live in the country, but all work in towns, thus requirin' roads an' things til get them in. They shud all be made to live in camps on the outskirts of Belfast. Except....

Farmers: When not throwin' dead sheep in watercourses or marryin' their cousins, farmers are complainin' about nat gettin' enough money fur the things they grow or whatever it is they dae. Then ye find thit they're all oan the fiddle fur European subsidies, which amounts til gettin money fur nat growin' things. Dae Ah get any money fur "settin aside" ma garden because Ah cannae be arsed cuttin' the grass? Nat now, but Ah will unner ma welfare reforms an' the Farmers can grow stuff for once, the ballix.

Belfast people: it is nat oor fault that every wall in yer city has a murial, thit yer men are short wi' wee moustaches an' yer teenage girls all wear tae much make up an' have 4 weans. Ah will tax Belfast people based on the nummer of times they say like in a sentence an' put the money into supportin' small market towns where the folk are more civilised. Except Hillsborough, fur they are a bunch o' pricks.

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Unionist Laidership Bid

Ah'll admit thit there hasnae bin much happenin' in these parts this last wee while. This is due til complex socio-economic issues an alcohol, mainly, but Ah cudnae help but noticin' that there is a wee job opportunity in the UCUNFs. Ah cudnae let such an' opportunity pass me by, an hiv therefore bin persuaded til join the campaign til be laider o' the UUP. Ah' hiv screeded til them just now, an' hiv made a pole whereby ye can register yer support.

Dear Ulster Unionist Folk

As you will be aware Sir Reg of Empey has stud down an left the position o' laider o' yer party clean empey. Ah have bin fallyin' developments in the paper, an notice that oany twa candidates, Ah think, hiv come forward, namely yer boy frae Fermanagh an' the Rev Wullie McCrea. Ah was thinkin' that thy'on field is wile narra', an' was therefore nat shacked til approached by senior party figures fur til stawn messel*.

Ah hiv giv this matter some thocht, several beer's worth in fact, an' hiv decided fur til throw ma bowler intil the ring. Ah'll admit Ah'm nat a member, but the neither is Wullie McCrea, an' Ah kin join after Ah git elected. Ah hope fur til bring a modernisin' an' forward lukkin' approach til the campaign, an' list ma palicies below......

Yin: The tie up wi' the Tories was a ballix, sae we'll dump them an' get in cahoots wi' Red China. They hiv more money an' can encourage inward investment (Ah hiv bin learnin' wurds like thy'on ready for the election)

Twa: We need fur til get mair o' the o'er surt til vote fur us. Ah wud suggest that a rake o' senior figures shud spell their names wrang frae the noo. Thus Daphne Trimble wud become Daomphni Ni Trimbhhlle and David McNarry shud be Daffied og MacNearrphy. Ah'm taul the o'er sure are clean mad fur the odd names, sae thy'on will attract themuns.

Thrie: The DUPers reckon they hiv the Ulster Scots vote sewed up, oany because they elected a lunatic in Strangfurd. As a tap Ulster Scots figure messel, Ah will bring the hamely folk in behine us. Unner ma laidership we will spake in Ulster Scots in the Arsembly, an' all MLA's will wear Kilt/Bowler hats ensembles fur media appearances.

Fower: The Economy - is ballixed Ah reckon. Economic growth an' inward investment (see) will be encouraged through mair folk workin' fur cash in hand, thus enablin' them til claim the brew at the same time. This will stimulate somethin'. Incidentally Ah wurk fur cash oany, but we can sort that after Ah'm in.

Five: Corporation Tax. Ah dinnae knae whit thy'on is, sae Ah think we shud increase it or scrap it, dependin' oan what the English make us do.

Sax: Unionist Unity: We tell the DUPers they can join us any time they like, if they dinnae want til they can get til fek.

Lots of Love
Professor Billy McWilliams
Heid Yin o' 1690 an all thon, website/palitical think tank.

*(Ah admit thit this approach was limited til yin o' yer councillors walkin' past me the o'er day)