Tuesday, 17 September 2013

Edwin Poots to build "Giant Ark".

"Sure why not?" says Minister.

In an interview due to be published at some point in the near future*, Stormont's controversial Minister for Health Edwin Poots has revealed that he intends to build a gigantic boat of biblical proportions in a field outside Culcavy.

"God's vengeful wrath is a very clear and present danger" he argued, "and all the other big boats we have in Northern Ireland aren't fit for purpose when it comes to saving a small amount of folk and bastes in the event of a global flood. The way I see it, the Lord must be at the end of his rope with our behaviour. Everywhere you look it's wall to wall fruits, people drinking alcohol after 10pm, women not wearing hats, the BBC picking on me and builders swearing at themselves during working hours. I, for one, have had enough."

Asked why he intended to use public money to pay for what amounted to a personal crusade, rather than seek funding through religious organisations, the Minister was quick to defend his proposal. "I am the Minister for Health," he explained, "and what could be more important to the health of the nation than saving mankind from a watery demise? Anyway, the jobs boost for the Lagan Valley area will more that justify the expense."

Warming to his topic, Minister Poots went on to elaborate on the logistics of his plan. "The Ark will be bigger than any boat ever seen in the Culcavy area, and I'll make sure that we bring in two of every type of Presbyterian, and of every edible animal. If there's room we'll allow Methodists on, and Lemurs. I like Lemurs."

The Minister was then further pressed on his justification for such a massive drain on public finances. "Look, I've read the Bible," he explained, "and pretty much nothing annoys Jesus more than two boys kissing, apart from maybe two boys kissing in a pub after 10pm in a city with no flag on its council offices . All that loving your neighbour stuff comes second to boys kissing and, by coincidence, other things I don't like. Therefore I am right and youse are all wrong."

"Anyway, the SDLP are going to spend all that plastic bag tax money on building a giant statue of the Pope in Downpatrick, and Sinn Fein are moving the Grand Opera House to Crossmaglen."

"It's called democracy."

*interview may not take place.