Friday, 30 April 2010

Exlusive - New TUV election broadcast

Well if the odd Alliance folk can make an election broadcast for the unner-fives, sae can the TUV............ TUV Broadcast by 1690anallthon

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First time ah've tried thy'on thing. It his potential.
Music's a bit odd, but there ye go.

Odd Alliance Folk

Ah thunk ye hid til be 18 til vote, but the Alliance appears tae be targettin' the unner fives.

Thursday, 29 April 2010

Poling Update, fur ah'm wurking oan a new video an' hivnae time for anythin' else.

Oor Pole his surpassed the 200 mark, thus requirin' analysis frae the Larne School of Economics Statistatistatics department. Dr Kincaid, heid yin o' the  hard sums department, his bin explainin' til me cannae jist luk at the nummers an' guess how many MPs there will be elected fur each party, it appears fur til be a wile lock mair complicated than thy'on.

a. We must furst subtract the cannae be arsed folk - fur they cannae be arsed.

b. Secondly the Greens are oany stannin' in fower places, fur that is the nummer o' half normal lukkin' folk thit are in their party. If they stud anywhere else they wud hiv some boy dressed in a coalsack an' bicycle clips it wud saim. This complicates things a wee bit.

c. Likewise the TUV arnae stannin' everywhere. Dr Kincaid says that unlike the Greens they dress richt an' well, but only about 8 of them can raid.

d. Ah stuck the PUPs in even though they arenae stannin' fur ah furgat. Dr Kincaid says thit we kin split their votes betwain the o'er Unionists.

e. Oor vote does nat allow fur changin' o' mines. This is nae buther fur naebudy ever does in these parts, although the TUV factor weighs heavily oan this point ah feel. Alsae ah fur yin hiv changed ma vote fur the yinst time in 22 years, fur it wud saim thit the folk ah voted fur are arseholes efter all.

f. All the yins ah furgat - mainly Lovely Sylvia an' yer man in Fermanagh. Here we will apply Kincaid's second law of sums - batter on as if we hidnae noticed.

g. Shinners rig poles.

Takin' these factors intil account - oor 18 MPS will luk as fallies.

Shinners - 5
TUV - 3
Greens - 2
SLDP - 2
DUP - 2
Alliance - yin
O'ers - yin

Gi'en us a grand total o' 13 MPs in Wesminister.

Tuesday, 27 April 2010

TUV's David Vance - Exlusive Interview.*

Ah hid nathin til dae this afternoon sae ah lukked at the interweb an' foun' that Davey Vance frae the TUV was goantae be chattin' til folk oan the Newsletter. A therefower putt a few pertintent questions til the mawn in the hape o sheddin' some licht oan TUV palicies til Ulster Scots. Ah hive reproduced them fur ye belaw.

Billy - Davey, fur why hiv ye nat transtlated yer Manifesto intil the hamely tongue? The Shinners translated theirs intil the Free State Tongue.
Davey - Nae answer
Billy - Ah thunk ye were answerin' the questions in the order they arrived Newsletter boys?
Davey - Nae answer
Billy - "Since Pork or Beef?" got through ah shall repeat ma question - Shud the TUV nat hiv translated its manifesto intil Ulster Scots given that the Shinn Fein did theirs intil Irish? Particularly since it is a requirement fur goverment departments til translate things.
Davey - Nae Answer
Billy - "Ulster Scots questions ignored by Newsletter" will make an interestin heidline.
Davey - TUV manifesto is in English since everyone here speaks English. Had we resources to empower other languages we naturally would do so. Lots of questions here so sorry if you thinknI was ignoring you!!!
Billy - Point tuk Davey, but a wudnae be tae sure thit everyone spakes English.
Davey - OK Billy
Billy - If ah cud come back til ye oan the Hamely Tongue Manifesto - goverment departments hiv til translate things at a great cost til themselves an' the tax payers, surely it is oany richt thit the parties thit demand thy'on shud hiv til dae likewise, thus incurrin' a cost, or dae ye nat agree with tax funded translations..
Davey - Nae answer
Billy - Cheers Davey, best o' luck til whoever wins. At this moment in time yis are the biggest Unionist Party in ma poll anyhow. Though "cannae be arsed" is daein' well along wi' the Shinners. But they prabably cheat.
Davey - Thanks Billy , best to you.

If oany other paliticians want til be interviewed, gis a shout oan

Nathin' much happening o'erwise. Somethin' til dae wil posters in Aist Antrim. Thats yis up til date.

*Exlusive in the sense thit it wus oan the Newsletter live web chat an other folk were oan tae.

Saturday, 24 April 2010

TUV Election Broadcast - Ulster Scots Translation

Ah hiv til say thit ah wus quite lukkin fairward til the TUV showin', bein', as they are, the maist obvious hame fur an Ulster Scots vote. Howiver when ah sat doon til wurk oan it the source material was lackin' whit ye micht call "oomph" or indaid, any redeemin' qualities whitsoever. Ah hiv dun ma best wi' it, ah hape it enables yis til make a mair informed electoral choice oan things.

David Cameron

The Tory leader his accidentally waded intil the election here and, it wud saim, is an arse. Nat oany does is his face a wee bit like a perfectly formed baby's behind, he his somehow managed til sell the Cunfs doon the river afore the boat wus even afloat. His wee eyes considered Mr Paxman's hard question aboot cuts, an ye cud almaist hear his brain wurkin'.

"Ah knaw whit ah'll dae," he thunk, "Ah'll name the yin part o' the country thit the voters dinnae give a shite aboot." Sittin' wi' ma beer oan the McWilliams estate ah cud almaist hear Sir Reginald swearin' at the TV.

Rapid back trackin' oan the part o' Mr Cameron willnae disguise the fact that if there are major cuts in public funnin' til Norn Iron, this will be reflected in the support fur the Ulster Scots Language a' Culture. An his surname is Cameron, nae shame, ready for change my arse.

Anyhow - TUV

It is nat a DUP broadcast, though ah think they are mentioned mair than the TUV themselves.
Iris is particularly lovely in that picture, her head thrown back, hair flowin'. Lovely Iris, will we ever see yer like agin?

Friday, 23 April 2010

TV Leaders debate

In the interests o' oor raidership ah watched a wile lock o' palitics things oan the TV last night. frae aboot 9pm clean through til yin in the mornin'. This was both a tedious and informative experience. Accordin' til the English shows, a hung parliament is lukkin' likely. At yin point some boy even referred til "a well hung parliament." How Iris must regret stannin' doon with such a likelihood loomin'. Ah wud imagine, howiver, that this possibility may scupper the campaign til get Sammy in the nip pictures back intil the paper.

The UTV leader's debate saimed mainly til consist o' advertisin' breaks, sae ah now knaw mair aboot the attractions of Hughes car insurance aff those twa irritatin' boyos in the hats than ah dae aboot palitics. Howiver in the interests of informin' the broad Ulster Scots community ah will breefly summarise the key points belaw.

Sir Reg an' his Cunfs
Sir Reg cannae afford a half dacent suit it wud appear, howiver people want change an' he will putt Norn Iron at the heart o' government. Accordin' til Peter Rabinson if Reg gets elected he will be made Chancellor of the Exchecker, an' unusual claim frae an' opponent. Thats about it.

Wee woman an' her SLDP.
The wee woman is clean rippin' wi' Gerry aboot somethin' or o'er, an' she cannae pronounce the name Delores. The SLDP is better than the Shinners fur they turn up in parliament the odd time.

Gerry an' the Shinners.
Gerry was never in the provos. Votin' Shinner is great an' so are they, fur they dinnae turn up til parliament. Gettin' paid but nat turnin' intil yer wurk saims like a cunnin' plan tae me, although ah doubt most employers wud accept "boycottin yis" as a legitimate raison if ye phoned in in the mornin'.

Peter and the DUPers.
Peter made nae money oot o' thy'on land thing. Aside frae the money he gat frae sellin' his garden. Ah wud quite like til hiv bought the hoose that was built in it, fur ye wud get a quare view o' Iris in the mornin' ah wud imagine.

Greens, Alliance an' TUV
They were all oan later an' ah cannae remmember anythin' fur ah was a wee bit pished. Whit were the Greens dain' on thy'on mind ye? If ah get yin percent o' the vote in North Down will ah get oan next time? Mainwhile Lady Sylvia an her mad hair were absent. There wus room fur her beside Jim, who is lukkin' increasingly like a balloon wi' hair drew oan tap.

That is aboot the heicht of it, ah wud ask yis til note that there was absolutely nae mention o' Ulster Scots. Likeswise none o' the boys in England mentioned it in thar debate, further alienating oorselves frae the political process. If this continues ah will give serious thocht til formin' an illegal organisation fur til scare the shite clean oot o' them. Nat that ah wud ever join it like, ah've learnt that move aff Gerry.

The folly o' ignorin the Ulster Scots vote is clearly demonstrated by the continued popularity o' oor videos oan Youse Tube. Mair folk hiv now watched oor broadcasts than hiv watched the real yins. Nae further proof is naided that there is an audience fur Ulster Scots translations an' the parties shud take note. Still nae sign o' Jim's broadcast.

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Sammy's arse

Nat a real election update thing here, just til let yis naw that ah am fur supportin ma German counterpart Wilhelm in his campaign fur til get the pictures o' Sammy Wilson in the nip back intil the paper. It is oany by clever media manipulation like thy'on that the DUP will rach oot til younger voters.

Details can be foun' here, ah urge all richt thinkin Ulster Scots fur til support this proposition.

Bavarian Orange Order.


Ah note a resurgence in DUP votes on the pole thing. Ma Sammy film must hiv done the trick.

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Election Update thing.

As ah'm sure yis hiv by noo wurked oot, it wus very foolish o' messel til declare 1690 an election infurmation hub, as such a statement wud require me tae provide yis wi' infurmation. Ah fully intended til dae sae, but tae be honest ah cannae be arsed. The election thus far has nat exactly bin interestin' aside frae some debacle o'er the heid of an American hen on a DUP poster an' Alex Maskey decidin' til stay at hame an' watch the boxin'. Basically ah'm twiddlin' ma thumbs til Jim Allister gets his broadcast oot, sae in the maintime ah hiv made dae wi' examinin' oor on-goin' opinion pole.

Fur assistance in such matters ah hiv turned tae Dr Archibald Kincaid, Professor o' very large sums at the Larne School of Economics. He has done some countin' an deduced the fallyin'

Yin - the pole his bin infiltrated by Shinners, intent oan bringin' this site intil disrepute. Yin o' them even callt me a "racist Orange bastard" oan the Youse Tube. Dr Kincaid argues that we shud therefower disregard the Shinner pole vote entirely, but he is fur Jim's STD an' ah think that this is party policy.

Twa - A wile lock o' folk intend fur til waste thar votes by either nat butherin' or votin' Green or Alliance an' the like. This saims a shame, fur thar are upwards of 4 Unionist parties tae pick frae, even excludin' Lady Sylvia an' thy'on man in Fermanagh. It is nat tae late til change yer minds Green folk, sure deep down yis know its all a load o' Ballix anyhow.

Thrie - The Cunfs look like claiming a rake o' seats if oor pole is anythin' til go by. Ah put this down til the clever repetition of the phrase "Vote fur Change." That said, if Lady Trimble disnae stop finishin' every yin o' her facebook posts with "people want change" or "people are ready for change" ah am likely fur til go round til her hoose an' stick things through her letterbox.

Fower - Jim Allister an' his boys are lukkin' strang, probably due til thy'on fox frae Larne he stuck on the posters. Dr Kincaid says he taught her a thing oor twa at LSE but he disnae luk her type.

Five - Peter Rabinson's DUP hiv blew it. Ah put this doon til thar blatant disregard fur the nation's nummer yin MLA pin up in thar broadcast. They have clearly failed til capitalise on their best asset, so ah hiv turned ma mind til helpin them out. Ah hiv therefore sent the fallyin video til the DUP in the hope that they will use it at the next available opportunity.

To be honest it giv me somethin' til dae whilst ah wait oan Jim, an sure the music's great.

Monday, 19 April 2010

Shinner Water

In ma researchin' over the heid o' thy'on Election ah hid occasion this morning fur til luk at An Phoblact an' rapidly became entranced wi thar shop.

Ah want a battle o' this here.......

Howiver ah wud like til point oot tae the Shinners that the rivers dinnae run free. Fur example the power station at Ballyshannon makes a right mess there an' the Honourable the Irish Society own maist o' the Foyle an' the Bann. Furthermair the Farset is almaist entirely piped unnerneath Belfast.

"Fur a taste o' a United Ireland" my arse, taste o' pish an' raw sewage mair like.

Headline thing on the tap.

Ah cannae wurk this thing. Ah hiv wasted a wile lock o' time faffin' wi' the tap bit an' it still luks brock. Well it luks brock on yin pc an' nat oan the o'er. Ah'm lavin' it fur now.

Sunday, 18 April 2010

Shinner Election Broadcast - Ulster Scots Translation

Hivin' dealt wi the DUP political broadcast thing the o'er day, in the interests o' equality of esteem ah hiv put me mind til translatin' the Shinners yin as well. Ah hope this will allow the broad Ulster Scots family til make an' informed choice betwain the twa parties.


The pole is developin' interestinly. Ah hiv examined the figure thus far an' it luks like a fair lock o' oor raidership are goantae waste thar votes oan the Greens. If we take a snapshot frae oor pole at this point in time the make up o' Northern Ireland's MPs elected til Westminster wud be:

Greens - 4
Alliance - 3
Cunfs - 3
Shinners - 3
STD - 1
Others - 4

Whilst hardly scientific, it wud saim that unless Peter Rabinson raches oot tae the Ulster Scot he's in fur a quare drubbin come May 6th.

Friday, 16 April 2010

DUP Party Political Broadcast - Ulster Scots Translation.

In the absence o' a response til ma escreeds in the last post, ah hiv tuk matters intil ma ain hawns an' done the thing messel. Ah hope it wurks fur yis, fur ah cannae wurk these things.

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Election Fever

It wus wi' grate shack thit ah lukked at this thing an' discovered thit ah hidnae been contributin' til the cultural life o' this land for nye oan a month. This is a shame an' disgrace an' Ah make nae excuses, except fur til say thit ah cudnae be arsed. Howiver in the interim it appears thit there is an election afoot, an' it is my bounden duty til inform an' enlighten yis oan how this may effect the hamely tongue. From the noo until May or so Ah therefore turn this cultural an' histerical site over til election reportin' - yer yin stap shap fur awl election news.

Fur til start.

As a shot across thar bows, Ah hiv begun til contack the parties fur til see whit they intend tae dae aboot the position o' Ulster Scots langwidge an' culture if they gain oor vote. Taenicht Ah fired aff a cupple o' escreeds til the twa biggest parties - Shinn Fin an' the DUP - fur til ascertain thar positions. In order that yousuns wud be kept up til date, ah hiv copied them fur yis belaw, an' will kaip yis informed of any developments.

Big Party Yin - The Shinners.

Dear Sinn Fein

As yis will nae doubt be aware, parity o' esteam fur langwidge an' culture here in Norn Iron is considered a wile important thing, an' a potential vote winner fur parties o' all political persuasions an' none, like the Alliance.
As director o' Ulster's premier Ulster Scots thing ah hiv tuk it upon messel fur til escreed roun' yous boys an' see whit yis intend fur til dae fur the hamely tongue if yis git elected anyplace, an' til see if yis intend fur til translate yer manifesto into Ulster Scots.
Ah wud appreciate a reply as soon as yis can get roun' til it, fur ah naid til inform ma raidership o' the best place til stick thar X on May 6th. It is May 6th isn't it? Let me knae if ah'm wrang on thy'on fur that wud be awkward.

Professor Billy McWilliams.

Big Party Twa - The Dupers.

Dear the DUP
As yis will nae doubt be aware there is an election comin' up in the nex lock o' weeks an' yis are surely puttin' the finishin' touches til yer manifesto as Ah screed.
Ah tae hiv an interest in elections an' the like, particalary as tae how they micht effect the braid Ulster Scots Community.
As yis are the party with responsibility fur the Boord o' Ulster Scots I wus therefower shacked when Ah perused yer wabsite oany til find that promotion o' the hamely tongue appears til hiv somewhit slipped aff the radar. Ah note thit yis screed aboot hivin' prevented an' Irish Langwidge Act but say nathin' aboot bringin' in yin fur oorselves.
Thus ah wud like fur til ask yis twa things -
Yin - Dae yis intend fur til translate yer manifesto intil Ulster Scots. As this is a requirement o' Stormount departments Ah wud assume thit yis will dae likewise.
Twa - Cud ye detail fur messel, as a representative o' the Ulster Scots folk, how yis intend fur til further oor culture if yis get elected somewhere.
Ah hope yis will unnerstand that a prompt reply wud be appreciated, as Ah hiv folk fur til advise oan the votin'.
Ma thankens til yis.

Professor Billy McWilliams.


Ah hiv alsae made a special election pole - register yer support fur the party yis support, or hate the least, or whitiver. Ah fur yin will haul aff oan decidin' til Ah raid the replies frae thesuns.