Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Ulster Scots Histry o' Ireland - Bit 14.

John Knax wi' beard an' wee buik.
Fallyin' the plethora o' activity that is the election saison, Ah hiv noted the arrival o' a wile lock o' new raiders on this wabsite, directed here frae by high falutin' cammentaturs an' similar. Whilst welcomin' such folk, this is a worryin' development as theseuns might think that this is some kine o' palitical thing, rather than a cultural hub fur the Ulster Scots academic community. Thus Ah hiv decided fur til return til the roots o' the hole thingymajig, an' move ontil Bit 14 o' ma convaluted histry o' the Ulster Scots folk.

Whit wi' it bein' o'er a year since the last Bit aboot the Angle Normans, an whit wi' me knaein' feck all aboot the intervenin' period, Ah hiv decided fur til skip til the maist important event in the histry o' the wurld, the invention o' the Pratestant.

Now manies a time when Ah hiv bin debatin' histry, religion an' the like, some folk, mainly the o'er surt but sometimes themuns whit are nae surt at all, accuse messel an' ma coreligionists o' bein' Pratestants purely because Henry VIII was a dirty auld fat get who wanted til get rid o' his wife fur a new cuddy.  Whilst there may be some truth in this argument in relation til the Anglican Church o' Ireland, an' we all ken there is oany a paper wall between themuns an' the o'er surt, it bares nae import oan the yin true faith o' Presbyternianism, Free or o'erwise. This true farm o' Pratestant came aboot unner the Refarmation.

Whit was the Refarmation?

As the word "refarmed" wud suggest, the Refarmation involved the farmin' o'er again o' somethin' that had already bin farmed afore, namely Presbyternianism. Frae ma lengthy studies oan the matter, includin' a short stint as Professor o' Religious Things at Annahilt Sunday School, Ah hiv larnt thit the o'er surt hid taken the pure Christian faith an' added stuff ontil it. Stuff like the Pope, purgatry, nat atin' mate o' a Friday, Blood Transfusions an' sayin' haitch instead o' aitch. They were clean gettin' away wi' it fur they made the Bible intil Latin an' kept the ordinary folk unnerinformed on matters, til a German Pastor called Martin Luther King Sr suddenly wised up an' decided fur til rectify matters. Thus in 1517 he writ a big thing an' started the whole Refarmation when he nailed his Testes to a church door in Wittenburg.

Whit the Pope did. 

The Pope wasnae tae pleased about the Testes incident, an' summoned Luther King Sr til a big meetin' where he tried fur til make him eat Worms. He refused, an' thus invented pratestin'. Prior tae this naebody had ever pratested aboot anythin', mainly just gettin' a wee bit pished aff an' the like, an' sae we get the term Pratestant. Ah amnae tae sure whit happened next, fur it gets wile complicated, but it saims thit a wile lock o' important German folk agreed with Luther King. Afore he knew it, half the country was pratestin', he'd translated the Bible intil German, had accidentally gat married an' the Pope was rippin'. This in turn led til the Counter Refarmation, which Ah cannae even be arsed til think aboot whilst sober.

Mair Pratestants. 

Havin' conquered Germany, Pratestantism soon began til spread across Europe, finally makin' it til Scotland in about 15 somethin'. Here it was spearheaded by John Knax, a man wi' a maist impressive beard who got intil a wile lat o' bo'er wi' the Catholic Regent o' the time, Mary o' Geese. He was forced by her til flee til England, an' then til Switzerland by their Queen Mary I. There he writ the famous "First Blast o' the Trumpet agin' the Monsterous Regimen o' Weemin", an early wurk in Ulster Scots that said that naebudy who had diddies shud be in charge o' countries, especially if they were calt Mary. This pished aff the new Mary Queen o' Scots, but on his return til Scotland he managed fur til get rid o' her an' a prapur man was put in charge, namely James VI. Although James was calt James, an inherently bad name fur a king (ref James II, who came after him even though he has a lower nummer) he was alsae a Pratestant, so all was well in Scotland.


In England Mary I had died, thank feck, fur as well as bein' a notorious vodka drinker she had a wile habit o' burnin' Pratesants. She hid nae weans sae her sister Elizabeth was made Queen. She was pished aff wi' all the tooin' an' froin' o' religions fur half the time naebudy in England knew whit surt they were, somethin' that is still the case taeday. Elizabeth therefore decided til compromise betwain surts an' invented the Church o' England. Knax was havin' nain o' this, sae he invented the Church o' Scotland. Fur the uninebriated Ah shall detail the differences betwain the twa below.

Church o' England.

  • Is Anglican
  • Is wishy washy
  • Has a paper wall betwain it an' the o'er surt
  • Disnae believe in Predestination
  • Has Bishops
  • Disnae mind saints an' stain glass.
  • Has weemen who are good at makin' cakes an' sangwiches.
Church o' Scotland
  • Is Presbyternian
  • Isnae wishy washy
  • Has a brick wall wi' a murial o' King Billy on it betwain it an the o'er surt. 
  • Believes in Predestination
  • Disnae hiv Bishops
  • Thinks ye can stick saints an' the like up yer arse. 
  • Has weemen who are guid at makin' traybakes an' soda farls. 
Thus by 1600 all religious conflict in England an' Scotland was o'er, fur everybudy had agreed fur tae be a Pratestant o' one surt or the o'er. Ah hape that ma' writins hiv made the hole thing a bit clearer fur the lat o' yis fur now the stage is set fur the second maist important event in wurld histry, the Plantation o' Ulster. 

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

A very short one: McWilliams denies being dirty auld git..

From the BBC North Antrim an' Larne Newsdesk.

"A tap Ulster Scots academic named on Twitter as havin' an injunction thing o'er the heid o' supposedly shaggin' some reality TV cuddy has been named in Stormount as Professor Billy McWilliams. The academic was named unner a rule that lets MLAs an' the like say whitiver they want in Stormount, even if it is a feed o' shite. 

Spakin' through his letter bax at his spacious hame near Lenaderg, Professor McWilliams denied the allegations. "Ah dinnae even listen til thon Big Bro'er brock on the wireless" he claimed, "Ah alsae dinnae ken whit a super injunction is, is it some kine o' cacktail?" Pressed further on the matter, he made the followin' admission. "Tae be fair, Ah've seen the wee cuddy in the paper an' she's a quare wee yoke, so she is. Ah might, ye ken, if she asked nicely."

The super injunction was issued in the high coort after upwards o' three folk on Twitter named Professor McWilliams as being the academic at the centre o' the allegations. Professor McWilliams claims he "Knaes where they live an' will have them shat."

Professor McWilliams made o'er 600 appearances for Manchester United on FIFA 95 for the old Playstation 1, makin' him one o' the teams most decorative players."

Twitter is a social nat wurkin' thing that allows paliticians an' the like til annoy ye even when they arnae at a computer."

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Royal Visits til the Free State: A Retrospective.

As oor Queen visits the cloudier part o' this island for a lock o' days, Ah thunk it might be interestin' fur til take a luk at previous royal visits til Ireland. Many o' the papers hiv mentioned Queen Victoria an' King George comin' o'er, but Ah hiv decided til luk at three mair ancient visits. In daein' sae Ah hope fur til putt an end once an' fur all til the difficulties between oor twa nations, bringin' peace an' harmony til us all.

King Henry II, 1171.

As we seen in Bit 13 o' ma histry o' the Ulster Scots in this land, Henry II was nat a prapur royal king bein', as he was, both a French foreign an' the o'er surt. These basic facts shud make themuns sit up an' take notice, fur it was their surt that started it, nat oors. Unner the orders o' the Pope, Henry sent an army o'er in 1169 til subjectgate the Irish folk an' make them intil the o'er surt, but didnae visit hissel til 1171. At this point he papped o'er so that the Irish chiefs cud pay homage til him. Ah amnae tae sure whit homage is, tae be fair, but as a result o' it bein' paid, Henry was duly crowned "Lord o' Ireland".

King John I. 1185 an' 1210.

King Henry thunk it wud be a good idea fur til make his son John Lord o' Ireland insteid, fur til gie him a wee bit o' responsibility. A bit like gittin' yer wain' til cut the grass an' throwin' him a wheen o' poun' fur his money bax. Wee John came o'er til luk at his new lands in 1185, but made a bit o' an arse o' hissel. Apparently he was shacked til see that Irish kings had big long "ZZ Tap" style beards an' proceeded til grab them an' laid them aboot like wee pups. The Irish kings werenae tae plaised aboot this, and John went hame in bad form. Howiver he rectified this mistake in 1210 when he came o'er wi' a rake o' knights an' the like an' kicked the shite clean out o' a lock o' Angle Normans whit were causin' a bit o' bother. This included the first royal visit til Ulster, when he called at Carrickfergus castle an' flung racks at it. The Irish chiefs seem fur til have liked this, fur they all joined in throwin' racks, an' hivnae really stapped since.

King James I an' King Billy.1689 - 1690

Betwain' 1689 an' 1690 Ireland was fortunate enough til have nat one but twa Royal visitors, who made extensive toors durin' their stays. King James arrived first an' fannied about afore decidin' til visit Londonderry. Here the populace taul him til get til feck an' fired stuff at him. In response James surrounded the town wi' French folk an' the Derry Wans celebrated by atin' rats an' firin' stuff at the French til some boats arrived.
Meanwhile the o'er King o' England, King Billy, alsae travelled til Ireland, visitin' Carrickfergus an' tyin' his horse til a tree in every village betwain there an' Dublin. On July 1st the twa kings met up at the Boyne where King Billy knacked James' pan in, despite the Pope bein' there an' everythin'. The date o' the battle was later moved til the Twelfth fur til fit in wi' the rest o' the marchin saison. Incidentally historians now believe there is nae truth in the children's rhyme aboot King Billy havin' a ten fut willy, as the chances o' him showin' it til the woman next door, with her mistakin it fur a snake an' hittin' it wi' a rake, are slim.

Thus oor Queen's visit til themuns is but yin in a lang line o' visits. It is til be hoped that she disnae pull any beards, fling racks at anythin', surround any towns wi' French folk, fight wi' her in-laws or change the religion o' the people. An indaid that Prince Philip disnae show his willy til the woman next door.

Friday, 13 May 2011

Balmoral an' all Agin

Due til technical issues at thon Google, this post disappeared. Cannae mind whit Ah said now, somethin' about this post bein frae last year fur nathin' changes anyhow. An' thit someone hid requested it in Hoke Oot, now thit Ah remember.


Monday, 9 May 2011

Election 2011 agin'. Whit we hiv larnt frae it. The election Ah main.

And sae the annual ritual o' the big countin' up is o'er, an' it is time fur palitical pundits like messel til take stock. Ah hiv examined the results in a depth, an' present til yis the fallyin' conclusins which Ah hiv drew frae the results, an' the like.

The UUP are fecked:

They hiv nat so much fallen betwain' twa stools as walked in a pair o' them an' then tread them all o'er the carpet. On the yin hawn, ye hiv lovely Basil wi' his hair an' his wee friends, scootin' aroun' the metrapolis like a wee smart car wi' jazz oan the Aye Pod. On the o'er ye hiv Tam settin' the muck spreader til full blast oan the back o' his Massey, an' slippin' "The Best of Corbet Accordian Band" intil his 8 track. Ye cannae be the TUV, DUP, Alliance an' Conservatives all at the same time, Ah think, in fact it is a miracle anybudy votes fur yis at all.

The SDLP are slightly less fecked but still fecked:

Bewliderinly they still haul on til Derry, though they gat aroun' the issue o' nat hivin a big name like Mark Durkin by fieldin' a candidate calt Mark Durkin. Howiver, much as Ah like her, wee Margaret gets madder an' madder by the day. Ah am now sae distracted by her han' movements that Ah've furgat whit she said before she finished sayin' it. They alsae hiv nae foxy candidates.

The Alliance are very, very smug:

But still hiv as much chance o' gettin' a sait west o' the Bann as Ah hiv o' bein' the next Pope.

The Green Party are alsae very very smug:

But, tae be fair,  ye gat yin sait in the land o' the smug, an' 0.9% o' the vote nationally. Ye can stick yer bicycle powered wind farms up yer overly fibred arses. An' get yer hair cut while yer at it.

Paliticians shud nat confuse facebuk wi' the real wurld.

Wee Dawn is oot, an' the whole social medium wurld loved her. Unfortunately hivin' 2.3 million friends oan FB does nat equate til a similar nummer o' votes in the election. Ah shud knae, Ah hiv 6 hunner odd friends, Ah hiv oany met aboot 6 o' them, an' Ah dinnae even like themuns.*

The Dupers an' the Shinners hiv it sewed up fur the foreseeable future:

Peter his rid the storm, much as Iris did, and the Shinners hiv weathered the great intellectual loss thit was Gerry emigratin' til the Free State. It is startin' til feel thit votin' fur them is the default option o' the Ulster people. Feck up the watter crisis? Tap the pole. Make an arse o' the finances? Tap the pole. Pretend that God made the Giant Causeway? Tap the pole.

Jiummy Spratt is an arse.


The folk o' Aist Londonderry are Blind an' Stupid.


*Ah dae like yis really.

Friday, 6 May 2011

Election 2011 - Live.

Unrivaled Election Coverage™ frae oor Ulster Scots media centre, near Lenaderg.

16.13: Have bin til the shaps. Stella is on affer in Tesco, so Ah might be rubbered later on. Yis hiv bin warned.

16.15: Brakin' News - BBC say Feck all likely til happen fur a while, so Ah micht clean the bathroom. Small farmer type man in West Tyrone reckons thit the DUPers will get twa saits.

16.25: Donna Traynor lukkin' hat in a wee blue number. She is talkin' til two glypes oan laptaps, Ah cud hiv done thon fur them.

16.30: Thon wee cuddy in the Belfast count is a bit o' a fax. Naebudy is countin' anythin'.

16.45: Very, very bored. Tam Elliot says "done" when he shud hiv said "did". Even wee Billy has mastered thon. Have made a swingameter, nat sure how til make it wurk yit, Ah'll see later on.

16.50: Yvette Shapiro interviews Ian Paisley Jr. Beauty an' the Baste.

17.00: Brakin' News - Lovely Lesley on the BBC....... Jays Ah hape she gets in, Ah fancy bein' a kept man. Now Sammy is on, lukkin' a bit red in the face, surprisinly

17.30: Decided fur til hiv somethin' til ate. Nearly 6 o'clack, micht hiv a wee beer then. Wee Margaret is on now, she becomes mair like a Thunderbird puppet by the day.

17.56. Bored beyon' belief now, micht watch the Simpsons for a bit.

18.43: Beer two. Nae results in, if Ah was on TV now Ah'd interview a fat palitician about how there are nae results in. Swingameter is rusted up.

19.00: The normally erect swingameter has goan limp. Rugby on the red button.

19.03: Brakin News: Someone has bin elected whilst Ah was tryin' til get the Rugby on.

19.05. Conor Murphy taps the pole in Newry an' Armagh, despite bein' unable til fix a burst pipe. Danny Kennedy reaps the benefit o' ma endorsement earlier in the week, an' some o'er boy alsae gets in.

19.15: Davy Vance gets feck all votes in Upper Bann. A sad day fur yin o' Ulster palitics true gentlemen.

19.20: Rugby workin' now on the Red Button. Ulster 8 nathin up.

19.34: Eamonn McCann on BBC, he really is a very odd man.

19.37: Jimmy Spratt could ate nathin' but fat, he might hiv ate his wife. He is oan by the way, an' Ah hate him

19.50: Aist Londonderry - not lukkin guid for ma Lesley. She is still a winner in ma eyes. Sigh.

20.00: Gregory Campbell an' Noel Thompson are goantae come til blows.

20.05: Basil's hair and Edwin's ears are returned in Leggen Valley.

20.18: 5.8% of the folk in South Down voted UKIP. Mentalists. Ah had furgat how strong Stella is by the way. Might need a lie doon in a wee bit.

20.20: Wee.... Margaret...... Ritchie (gesticulates) has.... been...... returned...... (makes point using hands)

20.32: Brakin News: They cannae count in Foyle an' Londonderry. Ah blame Martina Anderson. Fur most things.

20.40: Arlene is rippin' about the election takin' ages. It micht be quicker if themuns in Fermanagh didn't try an' fiddle it all the time. Anyway, the oany folk who are cross are folk aff the news. Incidentally someone just phoned me lukkin for Colin, if yer name is Colin, let me know an' Ah'll send ye the number.

20.47: If the UUP don't sort themselves out Ah'll hiv til stan messel.

20.53: Jeffrey Donaldson has a remarkably small mouth. He must purse his lips a lot whilst perusing the fillums oan hotel televisions.

20.56: Coverage suspended, Million Poun Drap is oan Four.

22.20: Brakin News: My Lesley is out - Shame on yis Aist Londonderry, Shame on yis. Yiv gat Gregory Campbell, Ah hope yis are plaised wi' yersels. Ah hid bin savin' this picture fur wee Sammy gettin' elected, but this is whit Ah think o' yis. Bunch o' ring pipes, the lat o' yis.

22.21: Conveniently ma picture o' a horses arse allows me til tell ye thit Mervyn Storey his bin elected.

22.43: And still there for Peter Robinson. Jaysus Ah am rippin about ma Lesley.

23.01: Pat Doherty is in, so he is oan his way back til Donegal in his motor, an' so is Marty. God this is depressin'. AND Sammy Wilson.....

23.15: We are now intil the fightin' wi' eacho'er bit o' the election coverage. Everybudy has furgat how til count, tables are collapsin, hair dryers are blowin', Barry McElduff is makin' up an entire new language.

23.50: Suspending coverage, with a broken heart. And inflamed liver.


17.07: Tae hungover til commentate til now. Never buying Stella again, even if it is on affer. Tam Elliot has just made an arse o' himself in Fermanagh, Ah assume he his bin elected, and passibly drinkin'.

17.26: Gentleman Jim Alister is in  fur Nairth Antrim, lookin' cross there. Ah am wild good at predictin' these things, aside frae Lesley.

17.50: Yvette Shapiro hits somebody aff camera wi' her microphone. Jim Allister is shoutin' an' pointin' at folk behine her.

18.32: Nathin happenin' fur a bit, Tam Elliot losin' the bap has bin the highlight, alang wi' Jim scowlin'. He has perfected a Johnny Rattenesque sneer, perhaps indicatin' a career in punk rack when he retires frae palitics.

19.39. Brakin News: Big Ross is elected in West Trone. Ah hiv a picture of him wearin' amusinly short sacks somewhere, will luk it out.

19.45. Foun it. Ross is on the left. Saims til me he shud win twa saits, he will naid a special one built fur him up in Stormount. Lesley is in the middle. Fools the lat o' yis. That is the last time Ah visit Limavady.

19.47: Brakin News: Shinners bate wee Rodney McCune in Aist Antrim. He has quite impressive hair as well. This has bin a worryin' election fur those wi' an interest in paliticians hair. Oany Basil an' Alban hiv helt up the unusual hair standard. Mike Nesbitt disnae saim til even wash his.

20.00: Edwin Poots an' Jim Wells are likin' rude things on FB again. Must be a virus.

20.40: Still nathin happenin' "Britain's Gat Talent" still has had nae lambegs oan.

20.45: So farewell til wee Dawn. Aist Belfast does very odd things indaid.

20.55: Sandra is in then. Ah quite like her. Britain's gat talent has a French on it. Surely this is missin' the point?

21.32: Leslie Cree is elected in Nairth Down. Ah dinnae ken whether thon is a boy Leslie or a girl Leslie, but it is the wrang Lesley.

21.45: A green boy elected in Nairth Down. Tae many green folk in there already. Ah think that is important in terms o' ministers in the executive, but dinnae ken why

21.50: Runner up in ma Foxiness competition, Michelle O'Neill, is in somewhere. Ah think that is it over?

21.52: It is over, thank feck. Ah'll analise the results at some point or other, but we'll leave it at that. Night viewer.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Election 2012 - Who fur til vote fur.

Alas the election is near upon us, an' Ah hiv let yis doon through ma inadequate coverage. In ma defence Ah hiv bin drivin' a yoke all night when Ah shud hae bin drinkin' heavily an' watchin' high falutin laiders debates but til be hanest it hisnae bin the maist excitin' o' campaigns. Although Ah micht hiv missed oot on a few o' the highlights,. whit wi' all these Royal Weddins', bank hallydays (dae themuns in banks iver wurk?) an' a general apathy, it his bin a somewhit dull affair. Yid hardly nae it was oan aside frae all the shite thit lands oan yer doorstep ivery mornin', urgin' ye til vote fur some cross eyed non-entity stannin' til be a councillor in a ward ye didnae ken ye lived in. Howiver Ah hiv bin examinin' the differen' constituencies an' will dae ma best til advise yis oan who til vote fur. As usual Ah will dae ma best til be unbiased an' non-sectarian, though til be fair Ah'm hardly likely fur til urge yis til vote fur the o'er surt.

How fur til vote in.......

Aist Antrim: The continued success o' wee Sammy is somethin' o a mystery til me. Folk say that shite floats, but how this wee turd has resisted bein' flushed o'er the years is beyond ma ken. The bare arsed, red cheeked, self effacing financial genius will nae doubt tap the pole, but Ah urge yis all til vote fur Roy Beggs, fur Ah met him once an' he poked me back on Facebuk.

Aist Belfast: If Ah accidentally foun' messel livin' in Aist Belfast, perhaps as a result o' some kind o' heid injury or the like, Ah wud hiv nae choice but til vote fur Wee Dawn. Unlike the o'er palitical parties, she cannae afford fancy election broadcasts, sure she never has thon wee red jacket aff her, but ne'rtheless she seems til irritate themuns in Stormount, an' thus deserves oor support.

Aist Londonderry: An aisy pick fur me here, as Ah cannae gae past ma betrothed, the delectable Lesley Macauley. Rarely can brains, beauty an' political albumen hiv come together in such a heady mix.. Any man who disnae vote fur her is clearly blind, an' any hen jealous, fur lovely Lesley puts the egg in the cup of Ulster palitics.

Fermanagh an' South Trone: Arlene Foster. Despite bein' a member o' the DUP, Arlene is quite smart, but the main reason she deserves yer vote is because o' this picture. Her DUP jacket is a fashion must for the summer season, and ladies would do well to follow her trend setting combination. Tom Elliot annoys me a bit, nat sure why, though tae be honest all Unionist laiders hiv annoyed me since Carson.

Foyle an' Londonderry: There appears fur til be nae Ulster Unionist stannin' this time roun' but that disnae matter fur Ah reckon yis shud back Eamonn McCann. Poor auld Eamonn has been stannin' unner any nummer o' guises fur farty odd years, so it oany saims fair til gie him a shot. Alsae Ah reckon he'd shite hissel fur he might hiv til dae somethin' insteid o' lyin' on his arse pontificatin' an' hingin' aboot wi' students.

Leggen Valley: Nae Jeffrey this time roun', he is concentratin' his efforts on Westminister an' transferrin' his old VHS collection ontil DVD Ah think. Edwin Poots is stannin' an' Ah am tempted til ask yis til support him as Stormount needs "big brains" in these troubled economic times. However you should support the next laider o' the UUP, Basil McCrea. For too long there has been a shortage o' Basils in palitics, an' he has very nice hair.

Mid-Ulster: Ah will surprise yis all here an ask yis til back Martin McGuinness,  Martin has come on laips an' bouns in racent times, an' as laider o' the DUP's military wing he has managed to keep the hotheids unner control. Ah alsae quite like the o'er DUP candidate in these parts, young Ian McCrea, even if he disnae hiv his brother Basil's hair.

Newry an' Armagh: The successful candidates in this constituency will be representin' nat yin but twa cities, a feat unsurpassed in British palitics. Ah had a look down the list an' dinnae really fancy any o' them. Murphy made a ballix o' the watter crisis sae Ah dinnae like him an' Ah hivnae heard o' the DUP one. This leaves me wi' the UUP's Danny Kennedy, fur Ah saw him in a car park the o'er day an' he said hello til me da.

Nairth Antrim: This area has traditionally been represented by mentalists, an' ye shud ensure this continues by votin' fur the TUV's Jim Allister. He wud be likely til wreck all roun' him in Stormount an' besides that Ah cannae stick Mervyn Storey. Rarely can a constituency have had twa candidates who luk mair like a pair o' slapped arses.

Nairth Belfast: Alban Maginness o' the SDLP does hiv incredible hair, but this is trumped by the beard o' Nelson McCausland. Nelson has unwittinly backed many o' ma campaigns o'er the years, sortin' oot the lack o' balance in the Ulster Museum fur example, an as heid yin o' DCAL he is ma best chance o' a grant so Ah'd better be nice til him.

Nairth Doon: An area wi' a history o' an independently minded electorate, an' thus Ah back Alan McFarland.  Tae be honest Ah hivnae heard o' any o' the o'er ones, although Ah was tempted by the Shinner candidate as Ah feel a wee bit sorry for him. Stuck there on a hidin' til nathin', he'd hiv mair chance sellin' Celtic shirts in Portavogie.

South Antrim: Good til see the British National Party stannin' in this constituency, whit wi' oor historic shortage o' palitical heid bins. However Ah willnae back them on this occasion, optin' insteid fur the Alliance's David Ford. Poor auld David needs a wee bit o' support, whit we him bein' party laider and Minister fur Justice, but naebody gien a shite about him since Naomi gat intil Westminister.

South Belfast: Ah really cannae stick Jimmy Spratt an' hiv failed til back any SDLP yit so will go fur Alasdair McDonnell. Ah wud hiv backed Michael McGimpsey but he saims wild angry o' late, he might be bad wi' his nerves. an' Alasdair is short o' cash wi oany his MP an' GP's salaries til rely on, so it oany saims right. God Ah hate Jimmy Spratt.

South Doon: Ah'm very tempted til go wi' Jim Wells here, fur he seems like a dacent fella an' he keeps accidentally sharin' rude things on Facebuk.  However Ah hiv nae choice but til back the Alliance's Davy Griffin.fur he taught me histry an' palitics at school. Wi'oot him ma immense knowledge o' histerical an' cultural matters wud be less bountyfull sae ye hiv him til thank, oor blame.

Strangfurd: In palitics as in life, we must all move forward, and whilst Ah still pine fur Iris a little, Ah am prepared til affer ma support til Michelle McIlveen o' the DUP, the party's new wee pin up girl. Ah was goantae back Mike Nesbitt o' the UUP but Ah keep gettin' him mixed up wi' Frank Mitchell aff the weather.

Upper Bawn: Ma hame constituency, but naebudy asked me til stan'. The UUP drapped Flash Harry after the election last year, an act o' folly fur at laist folk hid heard o' him. He is now stannin' fur the Alliance, an' Ah considered stickin' wi' him, but the fact o' the matter is that Joanne Dobson is better lukkin'. Interestinly the Alliance party appear til hiv the longest ladders in the constituency as their posters are highest up the lamp posts. Conversely the TUV (in the form o' Davy Vance) seem til oany have wee totty ladders, a fact which may interest the pundits.

West Belfast: Now thit Gerry is aff wielding power in the Free State there is a rare opportunity for Unionists to seize control in West Belfast. Sinn Fein voters will be confused by a Gerryless ballox paper, allowing Captain Bill Manwering til pick up transfers left, right and centre.

West Trone: Unionist candidates here appear til be chosen on girth rather than brains, an' til be hanest the field is nat exactly stimulatin'. Ah'll stick wi' Big Ross Hussey for the moment, though Ah cannae see him gettin' in. Pat Doherty will nae doubt be makin' some o' his guest appearance in the area at the moment, afore vanishin' back til Donegal for 5 years.

The Referenendum: This is an extremely complex affair. Sae far as Ah can wurk oot the AV system is a bit like bein' a dog wi' twa appendages. If ye miss oot wi' yer dick o' choice, yer second dick might still get in. Whit reprecussions this might hiv fur oorselves Ah amnae tae sure, but Ah note thit the Shinners are in favour o' it. thus Ah assume we should vote Nay.

There ye hiv it, Ah hape this is o' some use til the undecided voter. Ah will be endeavourin' til provide ma unsurpassed election coverage on Friday when the votes come in, work permittin'. That said Ah hiv a do til gae to thit evenin' so Ah might be pished.