Saturday, 31 October 2009

Ballyhalbert - Fact Findin' Tour

Ballix - fur ah hid a whole screed writ then pressed the wrong button oan the machine an it all went. Suffice tae say ah hiv bin sent oan a fak findin' mission til the aist Ards region, allowin' me til fully demonstrate the cutural diversity o' this area. Ballyhalbert cannae stand alone, it naids the support o' its greater hinterland if it is tae rise above fancy places in England.

As such ah hiv bin funded by the Europe fur til clock up in the Ards holdin' high level meetins wi' a diverse range o' opinion farmers an' stakehaulers. Ah hiv bin put up in some o' the regions' finest caravan parks, an' been wineded an' dineded in atin' hooses as diverse as Joes Hat Spat o' Portaferry an' Wongs Royale, Portavogie. (The latter wis a delivery, an' it wis rank, swimmin.) This may soun' like some kine o' half arsed junket fur high falutin' academic folk like messel, but actually it come frae a long sighted (Europe Funded) internationally recognised series o' drinkin' sessions designed fur til wurk oot wha things shud be used tae promote the Ballyhalbert campaign. These symposiums came tae the conlusion thit there are fower key cultural things thit shud be used fur til judge oor cultural possibilities.

These are:
  • Provision o' Swings - fur tae keep the wains occupied when ye luk at plays
  • Provision o' toilet facilites - fur til prevent accidents due tae lack o' toilet facilities.
  • Provision o' Orange Halls - fur til haul cultural extravagazas in.
  • Provision o' o''er things - in case we missed anythin'.
The Cultural phenomena thit is the Aist Ards Region is tae much fur yin Blog bit, sae taenicht ah am oany goantae giv ye the wurd oan......



Founded in 1234 by Lord John de Walter, the Ballywalter swings hiv provided minutes o' fun for wains since aboot then. If ye luk closely in the backgroun' yi'll see a pair o' Ulster's finest tennis coorts, makin' a 2015 international tournament fur tennis folk vaguely passible.


These are potentially the highest tech toilets oan the Ards, fur ye hiv tae pay intae them. Ah didnae luk inside, fur it wud hiv cost me, an' they appeared til be broke.

Orange Hall.

Quite good, but blue.

Other things:

Ballywalter his its very ain DUP advice centre, situated conveniently fernenst a Barbers. Ah tuk a scoot in fur a luksee an' wis advised fur til git a short back an' sides an' nat talk til Fenians.

Nixt Time, Ballyhalbert itsell.

Wednesday, 21 October 2009

The Pope

What the Hell is he at?

Is he short o' auld fashioned men who dress up in weemen's clothes oor whit? Ivry time the Anglicans hiv a ficht o'er Libralism, be it wimmin oor Gays, whichiver auld boy is currently wearing the wicht hat steps in an offers a hame fur the richt wing nutters wha cannae cope wi it. Ah fur yin will be escreedin' til the Pope ( fur til tell him thit he micht git the Anglicans, but he'll niver take oor Free Presbyterians. Even though they mostly agree wi' him.

Incidentally ye kin git hold o' them at UsedtaebePaisleybutnowwedinnaeknowwho'sincharge@Ballymena.arse *

*email addresses may be made up.

Monday, 19 October 2009

Ballyhalbert, a heartfelt tributary.

Arts an' Culture.

Normally ah screed this brock messel, but the nicht ah give the Blog o'er til a special poem writ in support o' the Ballyhalbert Facebuk Campaign............


Oh Ballyhalbert, you were ever so boring
You had no pubs and your folk were quite queer
But now you just rock, because of the whoring
That goes on most evenings down at the pier

Took a dander one night, ‘long your fine fetid beach
Amongst the big rocks and the old used condom
Thought to myself, there’s a lesson here to teach
About flipping the bird to the guys in London

What better place tell me, can showcase the UK?
When it's not about football, nor Blair, nor John Major
And it's not about artfests, nor culture, nor pay
Cos it's more about smack and our pregnant teenagers

So let’s do this now, and do it for the locals
Who've suffered so long, and suffered enough
We've had our fair fill of watching the yokels
Star in their movies, that are verging on snuff

It's time for you now to take up your place
Not always a King, but a consort - Prince Albert!
Leave your sisters alone, and get into the race
And put on the map your fine Ballyhalbert

The fine wurds o' Crawford..........

Genius ah'm sure yi'll agree. Git oantae it publicity mawn..........

Thursday, 15 October 2009

Ballyhalbert an' the decline o' Western Civilization


There are thosuns oot thar in the Inglis establishment thit micht hiv furgat thit Ballyhalbert is in the runnin' fur UK City o' Culture but the campaign continues. Oor Facebuk drive his bin sae successful thit we hiv run oot o' afficers positions fur til giv oot, sae frae here oan new memmers will hiv tae make dae wi' memmership as opposed til afficership. Unless ah sack some folk, which ah micht.

Made up Celebrities.

The yinst yin til be sacked will maist likely be Nicholas Cage. Ah hiv tae admit thit thar wis nae finer mawn fur the part o' an innocent ex-con in thy'on film aboot an innocent ex-con oan a plane, but ah cannae believe thit he is truely takin' oor campaign seriously. Free the great Panda is the kindae thing themuns git intae, ah reckon he's taken the hawn. Oan the aither hawn, Paddy Kielty's his signed up an' ah'm sure he'll admit his career his bin oan the slide since thy'on nuddy thing he did oan the island, sae any auld publicity he kin git is prabably beneficial. Thanks fur yer endorsement Paddy......

Attractions o' Ballyhalbert.

Ah furgat tae put up the picture o' the "Nat Leanin Tower o' Ballyhalbert" sae ah hiv noo.

Newsflash - Belfast hiv chickened oot. £1million my arse, ah've spent £3.50 sae far.

Decline o' Western Civilization

Ah watched the news taenicht. In it, the wife o' the First Minister accused the Health Secretary o' the First Minister's executive o' lyin'. He in turn suggested thit the First Minister shud git his finger oot an' sort things oot wi' the Prime Minister.* The Deputy First Minister's party hiv claimed £2 million frae us fur til pay til thar affices, but maist o' it went til the his Party accounts. This is all normal, says the Deputy First Minister's party colleague, the Minister for Regional Development. Regions, nae doubt, includin' the yin immedietly aroun' his affice. In his party's defence he said thit, unlike his First Minister's party, they wernae tae intae imployin' family memmers an thit ivryyin wus imployed oan merit. Fair enough, but ah wud wunner how well the McBride Principles wurk in thy'on neck o' the woods. Elsewhere somebody stuck a big bumb ootside Clady in the name o' the Irish Republic, thus blackin' a prime smugglin route.

Ah'm gittin' sick o' this brock. Frae the noo, this blog will support an all Ireland 34 County, Unionist Socialist Republic o' Ireland run by me. Or Jim Allister. Which wud be wurse?

*Nae link til thit, bizarrely.

Friday, 9 October 2009

No Bell Piece Prize

It wis with a sense o' shack thit ah woke up this mornin' til Wee Billy tellin' me thit messel an' (clearly til a lesser extent) the rest o' the 1690 affice hiv bin awardeded the No Bell Piece Prize fur Peace. Nat yin person ah knae wus aware thit this micht happen,  nat even oor internationally reknowned Ulster Scots intelligence services. Apparently the prize his bin giv nat sae much fur whit ah hiv achieved, but fur whit micht ah micht git roun' til wi' messel in a position o' power. This micht be true, fur since the affset ah hiv said thit the o'er surt arnae tae bad. If ye kin kaip yer distance it micht be passible fur us all til live peaceibly in the yin country.

Ah hiv til admit thit a true Ulster Scot like messel pointin' oot the obvious physical (if nat mental) attractions o' Husky Catriona is a step forward in the wurld o' peace, but ne'ertheless there are insurmountable obstacles yit fur til be surmounted. Whilst ah am happy fur til accept the award, an the check thit gaes wi' it, oan behalf o' the braid Ulster Scots Academic Community, ah wud like fur til point oot thit there is manies a hurdle til gae under afore we kin truely say we like the o'er surt.

At this point ah wud like fur til thank a few folk.
Yin: Mrs McWilliams, fur holdin' back on the divorce papers an' Wullie an' WJ McIlveen fur thar continual fictionalness.
Twa: Wee Polly fur her durty photos, Rosie frae the Plum fur her ability til react appropriately, Manuel, Fattie an' the Auld boy fur thar bizarre contributions, an'
Thrie: John fur dealin' wi' objections frae Germany an' the three wees fur thar support in the affice.

But its ma check frae the peace folk an' ah will maist likely spend it oan beer.

Thursday, 8 October 2009

Bit the Twelfth, Vikings (an Facebuk)


Ah hivnae done oany histry fur at laist a lock o posts, mainly due tae the sudden emergence o' important campaigns such as Ulster Scots Google an' Ballyhalbert: UK City o' Culture. These things are awl very well, but distract us frae oor European funded raison detter -  fur til expose the world til the Ulster Scot an' his bizarre an' complicated histry. Howiver ah hiv til admit thit yin o' the main raisons fur ma lack o' quality postin' his bin a new foun' addiction til facebuk, a prablem enduced by ma naid fur til create a group fur the UK City o' Culture Campaign.

Facebuk is Evil.

Ye start aff wi' a wee campaign, make a few new friends,  an' afore ye know it yer intil Mafia Wars. Ye git friends yiv niver heared oan, some wi' names o' nae Ulster Scots derivation. Nixt thing ah knaw ah'm sae despert fur Mafia Wars folk thit ah've accidentally become friends wi' a porn site. Nat some kindae half clean porn site ah'll add - nat like Busty Ballymena. Nae sooner hid ah said "Aye" til the gurl claimin' fur til be ma Mafia Wars cohort thin she wis offerin' me things ah hidnae even heared oan afore. In the name o' the Laird, why wud ye want til dae some o' thy'on things, they're all boun' fur til be sore fur someyin o' o'er involved. Ah deleted her straight aff, afore Mrs McWilliams lukked in. Pure filth.*

Aside frae thy'on......

Bit the Twelfth: The Vikings.

Ah'm fur laivin' behine Christianity, mainly due til confusion oan ma ain part. In part Elevin: Bits yin an' twa we gat tantilisinly close til uncoverin' how Christianity wus brung til Ulster by Presbyterians, afore ah gat totally lost in a Da Vinci code type struggle an' entranced by Mafia Wars. Thus fur the noo we move oantil the nixt big thing til hit oor shores, the Vikings. Thesuns are some o' the maist controversial folk iver til dander aboot oor land. Oan the yin hawn they raped an' pillaged, generally considered til be bad things, but oan the aither they made beautiful things oot o' the stuff they pillaged, an' the chances are their illegitmate offspring were taller than maist. Howiver, in the context o' oor Ulster Scots histry oany yin question is o' oany importance......

Vikings: Which fut did they steal slaves wi'?

Evidence fur them stealin' wives wi' the left fut.......
  • Whenst here, they mainly hung aboot the Free State - Wexford, Waterford, Carlingford and, indaid, Dublin. The Free State is, as we all knae, where the o'er sort like til be. Unless thar interferin' up here.
  • They hid a wile habit o' burnin' the churches an' settlements o' the early Christian Folk. As his bin almost conclusively proved in earlier installments, these were Presbyterian Ulster Scots.
  • They invented surnames like MacManus, Siegerson (as in the GAA cup), Reynolds (nat the car - as in Albert) an McCafferty (as in Nell). Nain o' these are Ulster Scots names.**
  • They were heathens
  • They had horns.
Evidence fur them stealin' the o'er surts wives.
  • An o'er name fur them is Norsemen, meanin' they were frae the north. The North is, as we shud all knae, were guid things come frae.
  • They alsae hung aboot Strangford, which is fernenst the Ards Penisnula, sacred hame til the Ulster Scot.
  • They hid names like McAuley, Hammond an' McKeever, nat yins unknain among the Ulster Scot.**
  • They hid a base at Larne - an' run Ferries.
  • They were heathens
  • They were tall an' guid lukkin.

Ah dinnae knaw - ah'll laive it til a vote. Nixt histry time it'll be aisier, fur wur dae'in the Anglo-Normans, an' they wur definitely the o'er sort, an' Inglis.

* Pure Filth Mafia Wars may be, but if yer playin' it gie me a shout fur ah naid fur til build ma crew....

** All names proof is knuk aff a BBC thing, sae dinnae blame me.

Saturday, 3 October 2009

An Lo........(agin)*

Buk o' Nichts Oot

Chapter Yin

Verse Yin.

An Lo.......

The 1690 affice folk didst gae oot fur a drink last nicht, a nicht wha eventually resulted in the Heid Yin feelin' like he'd bin snuck up oan by a gang o' badgers an' lept oan, the wee stripey buggers scratchin his very brain wi thar big diggin' claws.

Verse twa....

It bein' the feast o' the Friday the Heid Yin didst declare thit a celebration wis necessary, yin involvin' the consumption o' miraculous liquids. Thus he gathered taegither the thrie "Wees" - Davy, Patsy an' Daftie -  an' led them intil the East, where they didst fine alcohol.  After a wheen o' minutes they were joint by the sacred litter picker, wha' didst drink wine, whilst lukkin' slightly bemused.

Verse Thrie....

An the Heid Yin didst rise up an' say.." Ma brother hast a hoose nat far frae here. Let us proceed til there an' fine chaper methods o' drinkin'." The folk didst fally the Heid Yin, an' he led them til the promised lawnd. Thar they foun' awl manner o' liquids, which they didst drink oan heartily. But the folk didst grae restless.... "We arest hungry, Heid Yin," they cried, "Fur whit shall ye dae til fulfill oor naids?" "Fear nat," sayeth the Heid Yin, "Fur ah kin turn this telephone intil Pizza simply by pressin' these buttons in a magical order, makin a mawn appear a lock o' minutes later." An thus it came til pass, thit the Heid Yin didst perform the miracle o' the Phone an' the Five Pizzas.

Verse Fower.....

Hivin produced an' consumed o' the fuid the Heid Yin didst perform a second miracle. "Luk" he sayeth, "Patsy claimeth til be Wee, but I shalst fit intil her so-called skinny jeans." An' the Heid Yin didst vanish briefly, afore returnin' lukkin' hat in gurl's troos. "Patsy", saith the Heid Yin, "Until now thou hast bin called Wee, but frae the noo though shalt be called "Big" - this shid nat be construed as insultin' in any way, fur yer arse must be big, if I, a fat bastard, kin wear yer jeans." The Heid Yin didst consider wearin' Big Patsy's Jeans oot, but thunk better of it.***

Verse Five.....

Thus the Heid Yin an' his disciples didst consume a wile lat o' miraculous liquids. They didst drink of the Beer, the Cider, the Champagne, the Poteen, the Unicum**, the Rum, the Whiskey, the Wine, the Peach Schnapps, the Apple Schnapps an' the Coke. Wee Davy didst declare hissel a virgin' an' Wee Daftie an' the Litter Picker didst show far tae much cleavage thin is dacent.

Verse Six....

Ah cannae rememmer whit happened durin' verse six.

Verse Seven....

The Heid Yin didst rise frae the deid an' gae hame, whar upon he didst fall asleep oan the settee.

* "An Lo" equals lazy post fur ah cannae be arsed oan the thinkin', merely givin' yer nicht oot a biblical twist is a bit o' a cop oot.

** Unicum wis a gift frae Hungary ah believe, an' it tastes rattin. It made Wee Daftie very, very drunk.

*** Ah'm waitin' oan the photos, fur ah luk hat tae touch......

Friday, 2 October 2009

Campaign Updates an' Sellin' Motors.

Brock postin' fur ah hiv wurk til dae an' ah'm fur goin' oan the rip the nicht.


Threw nae fault o' oor ain we appear til hiv gat oorselves involved in a nummer o' high profile campaigns in the name o' the Ulster Scots community. Ah'm nat sure, fur a cannae be arsed lukkin' back an' checkin', but ah'm fur thinkin' that at the moment we are laidin' thrie protest movements. There his bin a grate dail o' publicity aroun the Ballyhalbert carry on but at this stage it micht be wurth pausin' fur til bring yis up til spaid wi' developments in the o'er twa.
  • Anti-Free State Google: This campaign is goin' full tilt. Efter screedin' til Google fur til point oot thar lack o' parity o' esteam in creatin' a Gaelic Google thing but nae Ulster Scots, oor braw new sarch ingine -  Hoke Oot - was created til univeral acclaim.* Thus far we hiv ansered 14 queries - thit's 14 thit dindnae gae tae Google. Ah hivnae done the sums, but a reckon if this continues at the present rate o' growth Google will be bankrupt at some point later oan.
  • Git Big Ian oantil the Sir Terry Wogan Breakfastin' show. We escreeded til the BBC bit they hivnae gat back til us. Ah am fur refusin til listin' til Radio Twa until they rectify this anamoly. This limits me til Highland Radio, fur the reception's wile bad roun' here.
* Universal acclaim limited til the Ballymoney area.

Sellin' Motors.

Aulder raiders micht recall thit back in July Mrs McWilliams caused severe damge til the enviroment threw the purchase o' a new motor. As a result we were left wi' her auld yoke, which lay oot the back til the o'er day when ah finally tuk messel til make a effort fur tae git rid o' it. Ah thus moved it roun' the front an' made a "Fur Sale" sign an' stuck it in the front windae.

Normally this wud cause nae grate ructions in oor part o' the country, but unfortunately it coincided wi' the Eighth Annual Artigarvan Supermodels Convention. Now purty gurls thesuns may be, but they entirely miscontrued the message "Fur Sale" an' lit at oor door in huge nummers either fur the protestin' or the purchasin o' pelts. Ah didnae knaw whare til luk fur some o' them wur wearin' next til nathin' an' thar heels cudnae hannle the muck. Howiver as luck wud hiv it we wur able til gid rid o' the motor, fur Kate Moss was oan the luksee fur an auld yoke fur towin' her black faced yos..