Friday, 17 December 2010

1690 founder Billy McWilliams freed on bail, and the Budget.

The fallyin' is loosely tuk frae the BBC Wabsite
The founder of flute-blowing website 1690 an all thon, Professor Billy McWilliams, has vowed "til continue ma wurk an' fur til protest ma innocence" after being freed on bail.
The 39-year-old was granted bail two days ago but prosecutors objected, the bastards.
He is fighting extradition to Ballymena over sex assault allegations made by two women. He denies any wrongdoing.
Mr Justice Ouseley ordered Professor McWilliams be released "on bail o' a wile lock o' cash an' somethin' calt sureties" and on condition he resides at an address in Gilford.
Speaking on the steps of the High Court to a journalist, Professor McWilliams said: "It's braw til smell the reek o' Belfawst agin."
He went on to thank "all the folk aroun' Anahilt wha hid faith" in him, his lawyers for putting up a "quare ficht", people who provided money in the face of "bein' clean busted", members of the press and the British justice system.
"If justice isnae always an ootcome, at laist it isnae deid yit," he added, not being entirely sure what he meant himself.
"Ah hape fur til continue ma wurk an' continue til protest ma innocence in this carry on an' til revail as we git it, which we hivnae yit, the evidence frae these allegations. An' til go oot an' get blacked." (??)
Professor McWilliams had spent the past eight nights in prison.
He will now stay at a manor home on the Armagh-Down border owned by Wullie McIlveen, a 1690-supporting mentalist and owner of a carpet hire company in Portadown.
Professor McWilliams' solicitor, Wullie Colhoun, said after the court appearance the bail appeal was part of a "continuing vendetta by folk frae Ballymena".
There ye hiv it.
Aye, Ah am oot efter bein' helt in Maghaberry on trumped up charges o' havin' unprotected sex wi' twa weemen frae Ballymena, yin o' whom wus asleep. As ma solicitor pointed oot this is clearly an unpremeditated attempt by themuns in Stormount fur til silence the voice o' the Ulster Scot. The chances o' messel, a staunch Pradestant, havin' it aff wi'oot a thingummy are slight, niver mine havin' it aff wi' yin o' thon Ballymena heifers , although Ah admit the fallin' asleep bit his a ring o' truth about it. 
Raiders can be in nae doubt that this is an attempt by Stormount Ministers, an' Irwin's bakery, til stem the flow o' information spurtin' frae ma online organ. Ah kin assure yis all that Ah will continue fur til be a thorn in the arse o' the bastards, clockin' up there pontificatin' as if they ken whit they are at. Thus Ah address the budget thing.
The Budget thing.
Plastic Beg Tax - Ma arse. Dressed up as "enviromentalism" this is clearly an attempt til wring mair money oot o' the hard pressed shapper an' fur til bring us closer til a United Free State, fur they invented beg taxes. Whit they dinnae realise is that we all recycle the wee begs already in oor pedal bins, an' will thus be forced til buy those wee bin liners that are a wile waste o' money. Ah fur one will circumvent this by burnin' any combustible rubbish in ma fire, an' diggin' a big hole in the back field fur the rest. Stick thy'on up yer enviromental tax arses.
Pubic Sector Pay Freeze - "Fur tap earners earning mair than £21000 a year." Tap earners? Jaysus, mair like a figure randomly plucked frae wee Sammy's hairy ringpiece. Tae the best o' ma admittedly limited financial knowledge, £21000 isnae exactly in whit ye micht call the Simon Caul bracket. An' they'll have til pay til park their motors on the premises? Does this include teachers, dinner ladies, nurses? They'll just bung up the pavements fur the rest o' us.
Harbour Commission thing an' sellin' goverment land aff- Ah wasnae sure tae who these Harbour Commissioners are, but they hiv til give £125 million. Turns oot they are owned by the goverment in some way or o'er, sae where was the money goin' in the first place? As fur sellin' aff land, handy wee one there. Sell it aff at the bottom o' the market, til praperty developers. Nat that any o' the parties in Stormount hiv links til praperty developers, like Seymour Sweeney or the IRA.
Nae Watter Rates - because they think it'll piss folk aff. It wud, but we'd all soon furget about it an' come the election we'd all vote fur the same folk as last time. Insteid they'll put the o'er rates up, an' still nat grit the pavements.
A £20 million poun' hardship fund - now I lukked some real figures up fur a change an' it turns oot that 20% o' the papulation o' Northern Ireland is "in paverty", an' I make that about 350000 thousand folk. A quick sum in ma heid makes that £6 each for poor folk. Dinnae spen' it all in the yin shap.
Some o'er things - which Ah cannae mind. Anyway Sammy said it was a "good Christmas present for the people of Northern Ireland." He meant praperty developers, people who piss watter down the sink, folk who dinnae shap, poor folk who get excited by £6 an' pubic sector wurkers who walk til wurk, manage til keep their jab an' earn £20000. The rest o' us are bucked.
It is snowin' a wile lat o' late, though ye wudnae know it if ye watched the local news.

Monday, 6 December 2010

Christenmas Gift Special Thing

“Twas the nicht afore Christenmas, an’ aw thru the hoose, nat a cratur was stirrin’ nat even a moose.”

Sae writ Rabbie Burns, Ah think,  in anticipation o’ the family fun an’ gift exchangin’ festival thit his become knain as Christenmas, after Jaysus, the boy whit invented it.  It bein’ early in the Christenmas season, Ah hiv nae doubt thit yer mines are turnin’ taewards the purchase o’ things fur til give til folk. In order fur til assist yes Ah hiv trawled the highs an’ lows o’ the interweb fur til seek oot the best an’ maist appropriate gifts fur folk frae oor fair shores, an’ Ah present them below, hopefully somethin’ fur aw the family.

Fur the larger wean……
The Gerry Kelly Chemistry Set

Both fun an’ educational, the Gerry Kelly Chemistry set contains aw manner o’ experiments fur til amaze an’ entertain the hole family. With skill an’ practice, youse tae can blow the shite oot o’ places, serve a lock o’ years behine bars, escape fur a wee bit, an’ yet still end up in a high powered job up at Stormount.  By fallyin’ the simple instructions, the basic principle thit shit floats til the tap will be proofed til aw.

Fur Him

Tart Attack

The latest game fur the Nintendo Wee frae Carrickfergus based saftware company Micrasaft™, this interactive game allows ye til experience the thrill o’ a nicht oot in Banbridge wi’oot laivin’ the warmth o’ yer ain hame. Ye must guide yer wee character through a variety o’ Banbridge’s finest nite spats, avoidin’ the attentions o’ badly dressed slappers in their late forties. Ye micht make it past the Imperial, up the hill past the First an’ Last, but can ye master the Downshire on a Saturday nicht? Find oot wi Tart Attack………

Fur Her

Bigotry, by Kalvin Clein

Weemen like til smell nice, it wud saim, an’ nathin’ smells better than a hen after a march. This latest perfume frae Castlederg’s ain Kalvin Clein adds til his range o’ suspiciously misspelt underwear (available frae Nutt’s Corner an’ Bangor Market.) It blends the heady warmth o’ a fat lass wrapped in a Corbet Accordion Band uniform wi' the aroma o’ peas o’er boiled in a big pan after the Twelfth an' just a hint o’ Smirnoff Ice.

Fur the hole Family
Hivnae a Cleudo.

A braw new twist oan a family favourite. A murder mystery set in Stormount, ye must explore the Big Hoose fur til fine a murderer, a jab in itself ye wud think. Was it the Rev McCrea in the Kitchen wi’ the badly recorded CD? Colonel McGuinness in the never visited Library wi’ the hastily disposed o’ revolver? Or maybe it wus Professor Sammy in the Ballix Room wi’ the nat yet charged fur watter pipe.

Fur weemen, frae Lurgan
The Hoorbeg

A clever twist on the traditional ladies handbeg this is the ultimate accessory fur the Lurgan hen in yer life. The beg contains a myriad o’ pockets til house aw the things a Mid Ulster lady naids oan a nicht oot. Slot fur a wee Quarter battle? Check. Hole fur a spare pair o’ keks? Check.  Small megaphone sae everybudy in a bar can hear whit yer sayin’? Check. Benefits calculator? Check. Pocket fur condoms sae thit ye willnae hiv any more weans ye cannae afford? Na.
Although designed fur Lurgan wimmin, it may alsae be a handy gift fur wimmin frae Derry, Belfast, Strabane, Larne, Carrickfergus, Armagh, Newtownards an’ Caulraine. An’ Gilford. An’ Cookstown.

Fur Wee Weans
Count wi’ Sammy

International expert on Sums, Sammy Wilson, lends his name til’ a new Video Cassette fur the Sesame Street folk. Sammy demonstrates how til count frae Yin til Ten, divide by six, an’ laive 10,000 folk oot o’ wurk as a remainder. The preschool child will learn how fur til ignore economical realities by fundin’ a divided society wi’oot butherin’ til address the east/west economic divide.

Fur aw the Family

An Unsliced Veda

Goes wi’oot sayin.

O’er gifts Ah cudnae be arsed makin’ pictures fur…..

Gerry Adams Beard Trimmer: Shave yer ain salary by feckin’ aff down south, but dinnae wurry aboot it fur yiv a fine wee nest egg built up frae sellin’ shite buiks til Americans.
Margaret Ritchie hand puppets: Copy wee Margaret’s bizarre hand gestures by attachin’ a wee furry animal til each hand an’ wavin’ them about in a random, if expressive, manner in front o’ the specially designed low lecturn (sold separately)
Apocalypse Cow…..en: The latest fillum frae acclaimed director George C Osborne. A tense thriller in which a fat man sits in a temple talkin’ shite while the hole wurld falls apart aroun’ him.

Wednesday, 1 December 2010

Wiki Laiks - Shack Revelations.

It is wi' grate interest that Ah read the Wiki Laik things frae the tap secert US government documents. The 1690 affice was fortunate enough til get haul o' these papers, an' hiv spent the last wheen o' days ploughin' through them fur revelations that relate til oor ain part o' the wurld. From whit we hiv discovered the American diplamats have hid much til say oan matters here, revealin' potentially embarrassin' facts that cut right til the centre o' power. In revealin' these things til yis, Ah must point oot that it is fur yerselves til decide oan their veracity, Ah am merely passin' oan the information.

  • Aughnacloy is on the verge of becomin' a nuclear power. The folk in Dungannon asked the USA to bomb the village's nuclear facility due to fears that this would destabilise the region.
  • The popular hallyday destination o' Portrush is actually a hole wi' nathin' til dae in it. 
  • The Giant Causeway was nat made by God, takes ages til get til, an' then is a bit dissapointin' when ye dae. 
  • A prominant Royal said that both Norn Iron an' the Free State were wile corrupt, wi' boys gettin' backhanders for plannin' permission. 
  • Stormount is led by eejits who are unfit to govern. Furst Minister Peter Rabinson once led a lock o' boys in a mock invasion o' a neighbourin' state. He saul his garden for a fiver, his wife routinely abused minority groups, an' then hid an affair wi' a young fella. The deputy Furst Minister was right an' high up in a terrorist group that killed a wile lock o' folk. However the diplomats say that they shud be left in power as it keeps us frae killin' eacho'er.
  • The Finance Minister is totally unqualified fur the job, an' once had his arse out in the paper. 
  • The Free State is alsae run by arseholes, who hiv saul their country til Europe in order tae get another bunch of arseholes in the banks out of bother.
  • The Twelfth is borin'.
  • Lisburn an' Newry are towns nat cities. Londonderry is nat really the same size as Belfast an' dusnae need an airport. 
  • Portavogie is buildin' up its military strength with a view til annexin' Ballyhalbert an' issuin' a UDI.
  • Give my Head Peace an' the Blame Game are nat funny.

Pole News - 

In a very tight vote Sammy is officially Arse o' the Year. Ah will be makin' his certificate forthwith, an' wingin' it o'er til him on his wee Facebuk page. Meanwhile messel' an' the Rev McFetridge bate aff young Kirk, thus managin' til be crowned Ulster Scot's of the year an' makin' Iris wild jealous in the process.

Norn Iron Wurld Cup Bid.

The vote is the marra an' due til the corruption that clearly riddles FIFA we are nat in it. As we await the result it is perhaps a good time til remine oorselves o' whit cud hiv bin............

Friday, 26 November 2010

DUP Conference Broadcast 2010

It escaped ma notice thit this went oot, but Ah hiv had a wee luksee an' added helpful comments.
These auld broadcasts are gettin' wile jumpy Ah note, an' dull. The music is wunnerful though, Ah wudnae mind "Norn Iron Palitical Broadcast Themes" LP fur a Christenmas box.

Thursday, 25 November 2010

Ulster Wurld

It was wi' great intrest thit Ah read that Free State Tayto hiv opened a theme park, a cunning plan, nae doubt designed fur til rival the attractions o' Tandragee's ain Tayto Castle. Ah hiv nae doubt thit this will fail, fur nathin' can rival the thrill o' seein' crisps put in begs, but it put me til thinkin', it must be time fur an Ulster theme park o' some description. We hiv the Ulster American yin by Omagh, an' Cultra, but these arenae whit ye might call entertainin', mair, ye ken, like edukational. Thus Ah hiv got messel the forms aff Nelson's lat an' am puttin' in fur a grant til open Ulster Wurld, a crass community entertainment facility fur the hamely folk.

This is at early stages o' develapment, sae only a few o' the ride yokes hiv bin designed. Nevertheless, til wet yer whistle, Ah will unveil the fallyin' attractions.

Gerry's Ghost Train

As the arch nemesis o' all that is sacred til the Ulster Scot an' the surt o' boy thit gives ye nichtmares, Gerry will hiv his ain special ride. As ye trot through the tunnel oan the wee train, he will pap oot shoutin' things like "We hivnae gawn awa ye ken" an' "a united Irleand by 2000 an' 16". The fear factor will be increased by the fact thit random' folk will be plucked frae their carriages an' disappeared til Louth, a bit like hissel, if we're lucky.

The Paul Berrygoround

It is a matter o' great sadness til messel thit Paul Berry his disappeared frae the political scene, fur he was an immensely intelligent an' entertainin' individual. Thus he will be commemorated wi' an overtly camp ride thit will include shiny ponies an' sports masseurs. Insteid o' the usual music, yer ride will be accompanied by the man himself singin' gospel classics.

Iris's Love Tunnel

As one o' Ulster's great romantics it is fittin' thit Iris Robinson be minded by a Tunnel o' Love. Her an' Peter's long stannin' relationship his weathered many crises, and she remains one of Ulster's rare beauties. One can but hope that the New Year will see her return til front line palitics, perhaps in some kind of role working with small businesses. Please note that nae Gays are allowed in Iris' Love Tunnel, ye must produce a marriage certificate at the gate.

Marty's Shootin' Gallery

This may be difficult til organise, fur Marty an' his muckers hiv wi'oot doubt decommisioned all o' their armalites, but nae visit til a fun fair wud be complete wi'oot a bit o' attempted murder. The fun factor will be raised by addin' in a knee cappin' booth an' a range o' prize which will include cuddly toys in the form o' Alex Maskey an' Gerry Kelly. The grand prize will be a hideout in Donegal.

The Stormount Rollercoaster

As can be sain frae the picture, this will be an inherently unstable construction, reliant entirely on threats frae the English til keep it upright. As you hurtle round the wee rails, you will be expected til come up wi' credible budget proposals an' an alternative til the 11 plus, then suggest them til yer fellow riders, who will reject them forthwith. One thing at laist, this ride is guaranteed til make ye boke.

Brian Cowen's Economic Helter Skelter

In order til get cross border funnin' fur ma project, Ulsterwurld will include this tribute til the Free State. Basically you will sit on the back of a Celtic Tiger shaped mat an' see how fast you can make it plummet to the bottom. Someone frae Europe will be oan hand til lend ye the money til have a go if yer stuck.

Other Attractions.

A broad range o' fun an' excitin' activities will alsae be on affer. Alangside Iris's Tunnel of Love will be a Garvaghy Road themed Tunnel o' Hate, an' closeby will be a Sammy Wilson inspired Pin the Tail on the Arsehole. Fud will be served in a big tay tent organised by ladies of the local Presbyterian Ladies Guild. Entrance charges will be £7.50 fur adults and £5 fur weans, or £16.90 fur a family ticket. Charges fur the o'er surt will be substantially higher, no Euros accepted.

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

Save the Free State an' Royal Weddins

Royal Weddin'

It was wi' much fanfare that the forthcomin' weddin' o' the future King Billy V an' Queen Kate (?) was announced the day. Noo it may come as a surprise til many o' yis, but Ah am whit ye micht describe as a "Cromwellian" when it comes til royalty, an' it saims til me thit the buggers are wheeled oot til get wed whenever there is a recession about, but n'ertheless Ah wish the happy couple well. In these difficult financial times Ah wud alsae like til offer ma services as a weddin' planner til the them, an' propose tae invite them til Ulster fur their nuptials. It is early doors, but at the moment Ah suggest the fallyin' as it is much chaper than some big do in that London.

  • Weddin' conducted on the 12th July in some obscure Gospel Hall in north Antrim. Preacher will be a Very Reverend ex Loyalist prisoner self appointed pastor.
  • Money will be saved on the big parade by insertin' the happy couple, ridin' in a suitable horse an' cart, intil the Orangefest in Coleraine. Thus they will get cheered an' luk like a big royal float, an improvement oan Lord Laird in thy'on boat. 
  • The reception will thus be helt in the field. Local ladies can make a big cake, an' spaches can be made aff the back o' the lorry. Suitable music will be supplied by a pipe band an' the odd lambeg, sometimes at the same time
  • Food - Veda will be on offer, along wi' sausage rolls. Tay fur grown ups an' orange juice fur weans.
  • Fallyin' the field, the happy couple can gae fur a shindig in a local hotel. This is potentially a financial hurdle til cross, but they are young an' will want a wee jive. Music by Barnbrack
  • Honeymoon - a B&B in Portrush. 
Incidentally Ah fully intend til send this til the Queen later oan, fur Ah hivnae writ til her in ages. 

Save the Free State.

Fallyin oan frae ma racent announcement thit Ah am til stan' in the Free State's election, throwin' ma hat intil Gerry's ring as it were, Ah taeday launch ma Nine Point Programme fur the economic recovery o' thy'on benighted statelet. It was goin' til be 10, but Ah ran oot. It is oany richt that we come til the aid o' oor nearest neighbour in their oor o' naid, in particular thosuns still languishin' in the occupied three counties.

Ma thinkin' is thit if Gerry intends fur til bring his immense economic talents til bear in the present crisis, he must be basin' this oan the traditional Shinner palicies used til make Northern Ireland the economic powerhoose that it is taeday. In formulatin' ma "New Dale fur the Free State" Ah hiv thus attempted til replicate some o' the Shinner successes, an' add a few o' me ain.

Shinner rip aff palicies.

Rest assured Free State folk, Ah dinnae intend til blow the shite oot o' yer towns an' villages, although there are clear economic benefits in the construction an' glazin' industries. Ah feel that this wud be a step tae far, sae instead Ah propose the fallyin'.

A. The stimulation o' the Black Economy through cross border smugglin': There is nae doubt that customs duties are o'er rated, since they remove spendin' power frae the hard pressed consumer. Thus the smugglin' and launderin' o' fuel, cattle and fegs will be encouraged by havin' a shite police force either side o' the border. Ah amnae tae sure how ye launder cattle an' fegs but will wurk it oot.

B. The settin' up of Ulster Scots advice centres: These will mirror the Shinner ones in the North, gi'en folk advice as til how til squeeze every last wheen o' pence oot o' the benefits system, bendin' the rules where applicable.As wi' smugglin' it will put money intil the hands o' consumers as well as ensurin' there are mair jabs fur other folk til apply for, as a lock o' folk will be better aff at hame. 

C. Policing reform: The Garda will in future act like the provos in the North, and batter the legs off folk for anti-social behaviour. This will save a lot of cash through nat havin' til put them through the courts oor lock them up. Furthermair the Free State hospitals will soon be experts in dealin' wi' traumatic injuries, a strange boast we have employed up here frae time til time. 

D. Resident's Groups: Tourism will be encouraged by the formation o' randomly placed Ulster Scots residents  groups entirely representative o' the views an' opinions o' the folk o' their areas. Admittedly some Ulster Scots micht have til be imported to fulfil this role, but it will be wurth it when there are riots at St Patrick's Day parades, much tae the delight' o' passin' tourists. 

E. Robbin' stuff: Bank heists an' other criminal activity will further liquidate the economy. This cuts both ways, fur the banks an' the like are well insured, an' can get their money back. Maist insurers are foreign companies, sae when they pay oot it will be the same as inward investment.

Nat Shinner Palicies

F. Roadsigns: Puttin' all the signs in garlic uses twice the paint an' metal as just havin' them in English. It shud be accepted thit everybody unnerstawns English, even messel, an' can therefore navigate mono-lingually. In addition puttin' spade an' distance signs in Miles per Arr wud main folk get til their wurk quicker, thus increasin' productivity.

G. An immediate tax oan maudlin songs: Anyone singin' depressin' dirges aboot wishin' they were in Ireland when they are in it shud pay a tax. Anyone caught singin' them 3 times shud be sent til live in Yemen, thus, in turn, cheerin' everyone up an' reducin' the jobless total.

H. Tourism: All the figures indicate that maist visitors til the Free State come frae the UK. They shud be encouraged by occasionally flyin' their fleg aff a hotel instead o' every o'er country in the wurld except them. Alsae nat abusin' them in bars an' in the National Anthem might help a wee bit. 

I. A United Ireland: Unner the crown obviously. This is a long term goal as we wud have til persuade the folk in the North til take the Free State back, at the moment the cross border shappers make that economically unattractive fur Unionist strongholds like Newry an' Londonderry. 

Sunday, 14 November 2010

Professor Billy McWilliams to run for seat in the Free State

Top Ulster Scots Academic, Professor Billy McWilliams is to step down as Chair of Kilpike Sheepdog Society and Visitin' Lekturer in Ulster Scots Dancin' to stand for election in the Irish Republic.

He said he hoped to contest the Donegal constituency, near the Irish border.
He said his Sheepdog replacement would be chosen this week, while he would remain as Lekturer in Dancin' until the Irish general election is called.
Professor McWilliams said the main reasons for his surprise decision were the economic crisis and the need for new ideas.
He said the current Fianna Fail/Green coalition government was "probably the most useless bunch o' arsewipes in the histry o' the Free State".
"As laider o' the only all-Ireland Ulster Scots thing wi' an all-island mawndate, Ah hiv a choice til make whither ti stay in Kilpike, a place thit Ah love, or til seek a mawndate in ano'er country like the Free State."
"Kilpike is ma hame. It is where Mrs McWilliams and wee Billy are an' where Ah dae maist o' ma drinkin'.
"But after a wheen o' pints, an' wi' the support of o'er folk, Ah hiv decided fur til put my name forward for Donegal. If elected for this constituency Ah will wurk and stay there an' travel hame when passible fur til get chape drink an' fags."
The Irish prime minister, Brian Cowen, must call a general election before July 2012 and it is thought the election may happen next year.
Donegal currently has no Ulster Scots representative, though Professor McWilliams claims that there "are a wile lat o' them in the occupied three counties".
Professor McWilliams is due to deliver the keynote address at the St Johnstone Orange Hall in County Donegal later.

Sunday, 7 November 2010


As explained the o'er day, the funnin' fur 1690 is runnin' dry due fur til the cutbacks inflicted by Finance "Minister" Sammy Wilson. Thus Ah hiv bin lukkin' fur til expan ma repertoire intil poims, in the hape o' gettin' a grant frae the USA (Ulster Scots Agency, til the uninitiated). Ah hiv researched Ulster Scots poitry, an' hiv noted thit they are mainly based oan rural matters, an hiv nae artistic merit whitsaeiver. Ah hiv decided fur til haul wi' the latter criterion, but til adapt a foul baked, "Bate Poit" type o' approach in the hope o' gittin' a grant. Thus Ah publish ma yinst few belaw.....


Tooty wee squat arsehole
Shitein' oan folk frae a brae o' teats
Fur a bat, at nicht, nae blinded
Flung thru the dark til mait his plump bake.


Clabber lifted an' shifted
Threw intil a dark wee space
fur she micht see, the nosey bitch
Ah'll hiv til hoke it later,
Til fine the stuff ah bucked in.

Fur noo ah shall lave it
Cubby hauled


Lurchin tractor bastards
Blackin' the road
Haulin' tubes o' shite
In rush oor

Spade the feck up
oor pull over
Yis bastards.

Free State Woman

She micht luk normal,
but she's the o'er surt,
lukkin o'er at ye wi' doeful eyes.
But ah'm a marcher,
an' naid me annual danner thru Catholic areas,
mind ye,
her's wud dae

Road Kill

Windaes rolled doon
The wireless blarin'
Parked up at the heid o' the toon
Lukkin' fur cuddies

Bullet heid lurkin'
Belaw the wheel o' the motor
Saits back, eyes deid
Wee feckers

Think they're in Ibiza
But they're nat,
It's Rathfriland
An' its pishin.

Thursday, 4 November 2010

Ulster Scot Arse o' the Year, 2010

As nicht fallies day, as hangover fallies drink, as arse fallies teat, sae evil trails guid. The o'er day we posted a list o' tap Ulster Scots folk who hiv made important contributions til oor culture o'er 2010, an' taeday we must consider those who hiv let the side doon. Nat all Ulster Scots are kindly folk like Jim Allister, there are themuns oot there who harm oor culture an' community. Thus we must vote likewise fur arse o' the year, naminations are below. Tae be honest thesuns are a list o' personal grudges, but Ah intend fur til make a certificite an' post it til the winner.

Gregory Campbell

DUP hard man Gregory is nat oany a sour faced hallion wi' mair jobs than a brothel, he is alsae an ill-mannered arse who his consistently refused ma friend request oan the Facebuk. Manies ano'er yin has accepted, but grumpy Gregory ignores ma overtures entirely but accepts numerous o'ers, despite the fact that we hiv 28 mutual friends. Even wee Jeffrey accepted me an' backed Save Veda, but nat Gregory. However it is nat oany this personal slight which finds him naminated, it is alsae the fact that he is a right arsehole.

Irwins Bread folk.

As bakers o' the sublime Nutty Krust, Irwins shud have godlike status for the likes o' messel . However they are naminated fur takin the sacred loaf o' the Ulster Scots an' cuttin it intil wee footery slices as well as their attempts til subvert the anti-slice campaign intil some kindae markettin' campaign fur themselfs. They have, til some extent, backed doon, having realised thit they have bit aff mair than they can chew, but we await their pramises reachin' fulfilment.

Sammy Wilson

Ah believe this yin til be fairly self explainin'. Sammy saims til pasitively enjoy the cutbacks, bangin' oan aboot tightenin' oor belts whilst lukkin' like he's aboot til burst his ain. Furthermair the wee red faced ballix pulled the funnin' fur ma ain jab, thus plungin' the wurld o' Ulster Scots Academia intil financial meltdoon. Incidentally if any o' yis naid the services o' an Ulster Scots Academic, gie us a shout. Ah can alsae walk dugs an' cut grass, cash in hawn mind. 

Martina Anderson

"She's niver an Ulster Scot," Ah hear yis cry, but Ah lukked up her name in the big buik o' Ulster Scotsness an yin she is. The Shinner's director o' Unionist engagement is a richt humourless hard ticket. Havin accepted me an ma German counterpart as her facebuk pals, she drapped us at the first hint o' tomfoolery. She actually hid the cheek til tell me nat tae be silly. Unionist engagement my Orange Arse. 

Christine Bleakley

Ah admit ah am mainly naminatin' her fur a slightly different Arse related award, but she too his let us down. In the name o' the laird, whit his Frank Lampard gat that ah hivnae?

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Ulster Scot o' the Year, 2010

It is the time o' year where the mind o' Palitical an' Cultural Analists like messel begins til consider the event's o' the previous 12 months, examinin' the contribution o' the grate an' guid til oor society. As wi' last year, Ah hiv calt in a rake o' big wigs in the Ulster Scots Academic community fur til arsess the doin's o' oor laiders. A short list his bin drew up fur yer consideration, an' yer votes are welcomed. Thus, in nae particular order, Ah gie ye oor naminations fur Ulster Scot o' the Year, 2000 an 10.

1. Young Kirk McCambley.

Young Kirk burst oantil the palitical scene back in January when he successfully brought the Rabinson dynasty til its knees, at laist yin half o' thy'on dynasty anyways. In daein' sae he alsae gie the rest o' us yin o' the best laughs wid had in years an' a classic TV moment. Although he his faded frae the scene somewhat in racent months, the startlin impact he had oan the palitical landscape will remain fresh in the minds o' many o' us, as will the bizarre images his business strategy forced me til dwell oan.

2. Nelson McCausland

Nelson McCausland wud nat saim a natural choice for a government minister bein', as he is, a bit slow, but he successfully raised the profile o' Ulster Scot across the wurld when he tuk up my campaign til sort oot the Ulster Museum's appallin' lack o' palitical an' cultural parity. His interestin' thoughts re creationism ensured that the Ulster Scot was taken seriously by the global media. This will hopefully lead til a mair reasoned debate oan such matters, as demonstrated in later discussions o'er the heid o' the Giant Causeway.

3. Naomi Long.

The efforts o' Naomi in unseatin' Peter Rabinson come second oany til young Kirk's jiggery pokery in gien' us a quare laugh in these troubled times. Fur messel at laist, she made a long night o' election observation wurth while, admittedly assisted by a large quantity o' beer an' crisps. Although nat a praper Unionist, Ah lukked up her name in a big book an' she is alsae an Ulster Scot, albiet yin frae Belfawst.

4. Jim Shannon

Like his party cohort Nelson McCausland, Jim wudnae be described as the sharpest tool in the bax (that wud be Kirk) but he tae made sure thit the Ulster Scot is taken seriously in a corridor of power when he addressed the Hoose o' Commons in the hamely tongue. Perhaps now wee George Osborne will recognise thit Norn Iron is indaid a special needs case.

5.  Professor Billy McWilliams an' the Rev McFetridge.

Ah wus absent fur this namination, but oor success in protectin' the sacred loaf frae the assaults o' its enemies is deemed wurthy o' consideration. Combined wi a relatively successful Wurld Cup bid back in May, an' the influence weilded o'er Nelson McCausland, it his bin an interestin' year fur the in the wurld o' internet tomfoolery, despite a severe lack o' 1690 postin o' late.

O'er Matters - 

Veda has bin saved, an' ah' hiv made this wee film in celebration. Ah made it ages ago, but furgat til post it.

Saturday, 25 September 2010

Unionist Laidership Election

Admittedly it wus a cupple o' days ago, but Ah am supposed fur til comment oan currant affairs oan behalf o' the Ulster Scots academic community, sae ah suppose ah shud gie ma twa pennorth. The UCUNFUUP have elected Tam Elliot as the new laider by some kindae huge margin which Ah cannae mind, despite the early poles suggestin' that Ah wud win by a landslide. Ma ain poor showin' can be putt doon til the fak that they wudnae let me stawn, although Ah note in the Newsletter thit there was yin spoiled vote. Ah can but hope thit some o' yis screeded ma name across the paper, in an act o' rebellion against North Korean style ballot riggin'.

Sae Tam is now at the reins, an must address the key issues thit face the Unionist Party an' the country alike. Nat bein' yin til haul grudges, Ah am willin' til set aside oor differences an' offer ma services til him as some kindae highly paid.tap level adviser. Ah hiv giv the issues some thocht an' list the challenges faced by Tam below, an offer a few wurds o' advice.

Prablem 1: Naebody knows who any o' the UUP folk are: Whilst the DUP hiv characters like Peter, Wullie McCrea, Sammy and Jug Ears, yid be hard pushed fur til pick any o' the UUP folk oot in a line up. Ah can name about three, if pushed, but dinnae know whit they luk like. This shud be urgently addressed by gettin' Mike Nesbitt til make a reality programme featurin' tap Unionists, fur the moment Ah am gien' this pilot the name Celebrity Come Whine wi' Me. The MLA's can have chips an' the like whilst bemoanin' the fact they hiv nae MPs and nae clue how til get out o' the mess.

Prablem 2: The DUP an' Unionist Unity: Peter has already begun chattin' Tam up with a view til pacts an' the like. This must be stapped an' clear blue watter put between the twa parties. Thus the Tory tie up must be scrapped forthwith an' the party shud gae intil an electoral pact wi' the Shinners. This wud put the willies up the DUP, an' the Shinners hiv better lukkin wimmin like Mary Lou an' yer woman Anderson frae Londonderry.

Prablem 3: The Norn Iron Economy: It is clear til all concerned thit the financial situation in this country is ballixed, an' forward thinkin' ideas til address the issues are naided. Ah hiv already suggested thit everyone shud wurk cash in hand an' claim the brew, thus injecting additional spendin' power intil the marketplace. Ah wud further suggest the immediate nationalisation o' the banks through a series o' armed robberies, thus redistributin' the wealth an' further boostin' the high street shapper. Inward investment shud be encouraged by haulin' a big business conference in Aughnacloy an' kidnappin' all the executives o' the foreign companies. They wud oany be released when they pramise til build car factories an the like in Ballywalter. However the economic situation is exasperated by Prablem 4.

Prablem 4: Most people in Norn Iron are arseholes: A cursory glance aroun' yer average high street in Ulster will revail a high proportion o' wankers versus normal folk. These folk can be recognised by their overly complicated Lottery purchases when in front o' ye in the shap, the wearing o' tracksuits an' pyjamas when neither exercisin' or in bed, an' an inability til say anythin' quietly or wi'oot swearin'. This obviously limits the economic potential o' Norn Iron, as even kidnapped foreign businessmen cudnae be arsed employin' such folk. Snatch squads o' heavily armed men shud therefore lift them an' threaten severe violence unless they wise  up, dress right, an' only do three lines on the lottery, no scratchcards or the like.

Prablem 5: The Assault on our national heritage that is the slicin' o' Veda: Ah mentioned this last week. Irwins shud be threatened wi' punitive tax measures unless they stap rapin' the loaf. An' all MLAs shud join oor facebuk group. Mair oan which in a minute.

Prablem 6: The Education System: The 11+ shud be scrapped an' replaced wi' an exam naebody but the most middle class folk can unnerstawn, thus keepin' common children frae uneducated backgrouns oot o' the tap schools. This appears til be unnerway unner Catriona and shud be helt up as an example o' the passibilities o' the aforementioned Shinner/UUP electoral pact. This is a win/win situation, the UUP get to protect their middle class support, an' the Shinners get til make sure thit the workin' class get a shite education, thus conserving their core vote o' stupid folk.

Veda Campaign.

There hiv bin several developments since ah last posted oan this matter. On Monday past the story wus covered in the Newsletter, an Irwins made a written, public commitment that if oor campaign gets 10000 supporters they will revert to unsliced loaf production. They have, however, since shifted the goalposts, by sayin' that this decision will be made only when they get 10000 votes asking for it on their website. Thus Irwins are attemptin' fur til subvert oor campaign intil some kindae marketin' opportunity. We willnae stan' fur this, an' Ah urge an immediete boycott o' all Irwins products til they return til their original promise.

Interestinly the campaign alsae featured oan Talkback, gettin' the backin' o' the lovely Wendy Austin, an his alsae gained political support in the shape o' Dawn Purves. We can alsae reveal that the Newsletter folk know bugger all about poetry, as this picture shows.

Thursday, 16 September 2010

Crisis of Culture.

Havin' nat posted fur ages, Ah am fur daein' ano'er yin taeday. As warned in yesterdays papal pontificatin' a mair insidious threat tae the civil an' religious liberties o' oor land is loomin'. A blow has bin struck til the very core o' all that is good in oor wee land. The French hiv their wine, the Parmans their Ham, the Cheddars their cheese. We hiv oor breads, an' the king o' the breads is undoubtedly Veda.

Fur many years the great bakeries o' Ulster - Irwin's, Ormo an' the Sunblest boys, hiv turned out loaf after loaf o' delicious malty goodness, unsullied by the bread slicer. The purchaser is left to render his slices accordin' til taste, or the hole in his toaster, but nae more, fur Irwins hiv sliced the Veda. They hiv taken the holy loaf an' rent it asunder, intil futery wee dry slices, uniform to the eye, the loaf unsqueezed.

"Sae whit?" Ah hear yis ask, "sure ye kin still buy unsliced Veda frae other bakeries." Thit may be sae, but Irwins' his ano'er tool up their sleeve, as kin be seen frae this photy, they are deliberately undercuttin' the traditional solid loaf makers in terms of price. This is a blatant attempt at market manipulation, worthy o' Red China. They hiv flooded the market with shoddy, non traditional Veda, gien' the hard pressed house wife a difficult choice in these straitened times. She may lift the loaf an' bring it hame til her man, congratulatin' herself on savin' a wheen o' pence, but in turn leavin' prapur loafs languishin' on the shelf.

"Sae whit?" Ah hear yis say agin "We are in a recession, it is fur the housewife til spend her allowance as she sees fit. She his made a savin', an' we shud congratulate her." Aye, says me, except fur it is a false economy. Her veda will soon stale, its sliced nature allowin the air til circulate throughout. Nat fur her the option o' cuttin aff the hard end, an' thus a half ate loaf will fine its way intil the bin. Howiver in her scatterbrained womanly fashion, she will make the same error on returnin' til the Spar, seduced by price. Meanwhile, sales o' prapur traditional veda will stall, an' the big guns o' the supermarket wurld will pare back their orders, forcin' it aff the shelfs.

Whar will we be then? A staple o' the Ulster kitchen lost fur ever, a monopoly allowin' Irwins til force the price o' this bakin' travesty higher and higher. Oor culture weakened an' oor sangwiches stale. Ah therefore call on all richt thinkin' citizens o' Ulster til boycott this bastardization o' bread. Rally roun' the fleg o' the solid loaf. Join with us in oor Facebuk Campaign an' make yer mark for God an' Veda.

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

The Pope, fur it is he.

The Sash the Father wore.
Havin' semi retired frae palitical commentatin', due mainly til extreme laziness, Ah was not fur remark passin' oan the arrival o' the Pope til Britain. Howiver noo thit the Reverend Doctor Lord the Big Ian Paisley has waded in, an' the loomin' threat o' a storm o' protests, Ah feel thit it is important thit Ah use ma influence in Ulster Scots circles til calm the situation. Many cross wurds have been bandied, an' a feel a measure of calm debate is required til address the situation. Ah hiv thus give some thocht as til whether we shud be arsed protestin' or nat

Reasons fur til Protest - 

Yin: he is the o'er surt an he is nat in the bible, but says he is, Ah think. Ah will check that an' get back til ye.

Twa: The present yin is a German, Germans are intrinsically bad.

Thrie: He wears a small hat that makes him luk daft. Or a big yin that luks like a wully. An he makes folk kiss his ring. This is nat normal behaviour fur a church laider.

Fower: he willnae let the o'er surt use contrapception - laidin in turn til mair o' the o'er surt. If this continues most folk will be the o'er surt, thus becomin' the surt. At this point Ah will be very confused as Ah will be the o'er surt. Ah will hiv til mistrust  messel an' nat be tae friendly.

Five: Somethin about child abuse and the gays.

Reasons nat fur til Protest.

Yin: The Pope sent the Inglis intil Ireland in the first place, therefore makin' him historically a Loyalist.

Twa: The Pope was on the side o' King Billy at the Boyne. Again, hardly the stuff o' Ulster Scots protests.

Thrie: The Pope changed the calendar, movin' the Twelfth frum the First til the Twelfth. If he hadnae done this we wud hiv nae Twelfth. Thus he invented the Twelfth, an' the attendant marches. We cudnae march oan the First fur we wud all be at wurk.

Fower: Although this Pope is a German, the yin before was Polish. They were on oor side in the War and therefore are grand. Sae long as the o'er surt dinnae make Spanish, Italians, Germans etc Pope in future, we can let them aff.

Five: His views on the Gays are much the same as the Free P's, who in turn arenae exactly unknown fur batterin' the shite oot o' Wains themsels.

Sax: Chateau Neuf du Pape.

Hivin' thus weighed up the arguments, Ah wud advise ma raidership nat til buther their arses wi' this. Let the auld boy visit, an' insteid write til the Vatican askin' if it wud be OK til reroute Drumcree through the Vatican next year.


A storm is brewing, Ah can say nae mair at this point in time.

Friday, 20 August 2010


Ah'm afraid the hole furore o'er the heid o' the boys sacked fur nat gi'en foreign folk the brew passed me by a wee bit, an' hence Ah missed the latest musings o' yer woman Cooper. Ah didnae git the paper yesterday, instead spendin' the evenin' watchin' the delightful Christine Hamilton oan Celebrity Masterchef. Ah am gi'en serious thought til puttin' teaegither a pilot fur the BBC calt Celebrity Plasteredchef, wherein local famous folk will git full drunk an' try til mix twa different types o' cupasoup fur the laugh. Ah wud quite like til see the faces thy'on twa smug judge fellas as Julian Simmons sets fire til a chip pan an' Pamela Ballantine makes egg in a cup.

Anyhow ma thankins til Daveboy fur highlightin' the story in the comments bit o' the previous post. It wud saim that some woman calt Ann Cooper, who once rose til the dizzy heights o' defeated council by-election candidate fur the TUV, threw her considerable political clout behine the sacked civil servants. Accordin' til the paper she said ""Well done lads. Sorry you got caught. You deserve a medal. We need more like you." Fur some raison this has provoked a torrent o' abuse in her direction, but Ah fur yin think she has a point. Ah wud like fur til take the whole thing further, nat oany shud immigrants types nat get the brew, but a swathe o' welfare reforms shud be introduced forthwith til deal wi' parasites on oor society.

Old Folk: Are nae use whitsoever. Thosuns that arenae mopin' about in small houses complainin' about the caul are clockin' up in hospital costin' us a fortune, all whilst gettin' fat pensions aff the state. They shud all be made til wurk til their 85 an' then put down. An' they shudnae be allowed til drive. Likewise:

Children: Now there are reasonable economic benefits til havin' a future papulation, an' educatin' them til a basic standard, but the whole thing is gettin' ridiculous. Weans are gettin' away wi' hangin' aroun' school til they're 18, half the time oan hallydays. It is reasonable til assume that if they get out at half 3 they can wurk til 6 at the laist. I wud suggest that the recyclin' plants are ideal fur them, fur they are always bangin' on aboot the enviroment.

The disabled: How many times hiv you tried to get intil a bank or similar public buildin' oany til find ye hiv til zig zag up some complicated ramp type structure fur five minutes afore ye reach the door? This is all doon til the disabled demandin' access til places whilst nat considerin' the time wasted by economically active folk windin' their ways til their destinations. These shud all be removed an' the disabled folk can wait outside til somebody sees them.

Athletic People: Folk wha take exercise are a massive burden on society, fur they are always strainin' some part or breakin' some bone. Thus they are aff work or in the hospital a wile lat, an' yet the state provides leisure centres an' the like fur them til hurt themselves in. Furthermair, a non exercise type person like messel contributes immensely til the exchequer through massive alcohol/fags taxes an' then gets slated if ye cough or are are a wee bit hungover in work. Sports equipment like guttees, exercise bikes and the like shud be taxed prohibitively til stap folk injurin' themselves. Eejits.

Country People: As well as the social costs of high levels of inbreeding in parts of Tyrone and North Antrim, country folk place an' undue strain on the enviroment. They may want to live in the country, but all work in towns, thus requirin' roads an' things til get them in. They shud all be made to live in camps on the outskirts of Belfast. Except....

Farmers: When not throwin' dead sheep in watercourses or marryin' their cousins, farmers are complainin' about nat gettin' enough money fur the things they grow or whatever it is they dae. Then ye find thit they're all oan the fiddle fur European subsidies, which amounts til gettin money fur nat growin' things. Dae Ah get any money fur "settin aside" ma garden because Ah cannae be arsed cuttin' the grass? Nat now, but Ah will unner ma welfare reforms an' the Farmers can grow stuff for once, the ballix.

Belfast people: it is nat oor fault that every wall in yer city has a murial, thit yer men are short wi' wee moustaches an' yer teenage girls all wear tae much make up an' have 4 weans. Ah will tax Belfast people based on the nummer of times they say like in a sentence an' put the money into supportin' small market towns where the folk are more civilised. Except Hillsborough, fur they are a bunch o' pricks.

Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Unionist Laidership Bid

Ah'll admit thit there hasnae bin much happenin' in these parts this last wee while. This is due til complex socio-economic issues an alcohol, mainly, but Ah cudnae help but noticin' that there is a wee job opportunity in the UCUNFs. Ah cudnae let such an' opportunity pass me by, an hiv therefore bin persuaded til join the campaign til be laider o' the UUP. Ah' hiv screeded til them just now, an' hiv made a pole whereby ye can register yer support.

Dear Ulster Unionist Folk

As you will be aware Sir Reg of Empey has stud down an left the position o' laider o' yer party clean empey. Ah have bin fallyin' developments in the paper, an notice that oany twa candidates, Ah think, hiv come forward, namely yer boy frae Fermanagh an' the Rev Wullie McCrea. Ah was thinkin' that thy'on field is wile narra', an' was therefore nat shacked til approached by senior party figures fur til stawn messel*.

Ah hiv giv this matter some thocht, several beer's worth in fact, an' hiv decided fur til throw ma bowler intil the ring. Ah'll admit Ah'm nat a member, but the neither is Wullie McCrea, an' Ah kin join after Ah git elected. Ah hope fur til bring a modernisin' an' forward lukkin' approach til the campaign, an' list ma palicies below......

Yin: The tie up wi' the Tories was a ballix, sae we'll dump them an' get in cahoots wi' Red China. They hiv more money an' can encourage inward investment (Ah hiv bin learnin' wurds like thy'on ready for the election)

Twa: We need fur til get mair o' the o'er surt til vote fur us. Ah wud suggest that a rake o' senior figures shud spell their names wrang frae the noo. Thus Daphne Trimble wud become Daomphni Ni Trimbhhlle and David McNarry shud be Daffied og MacNearrphy. Ah'm taul the o'er sure are clean mad fur the odd names, sae thy'on will attract themuns.

Thrie: The DUPers reckon they hiv the Ulster Scots vote sewed up, oany because they elected a lunatic in Strangfurd. As a tap Ulster Scots figure messel, Ah will bring the hamely folk in behine us. Unner ma laidership we will spake in Ulster Scots in the Arsembly, an' all MLA's will wear Kilt/Bowler hats ensembles fur media appearances.

Fower: The Economy - is ballixed Ah reckon. Economic growth an' inward investment (see) will be encouraged through mair folk workin' fur cash in hand, thus enablin' them til claim the brew at the same time. This will stimulate somethin'. Incidentally Ah wurk fur cash oany, but we can sort that after Ah'm in.

Five: Corporation Tax. Ah dinnae knae whit thy'on is, sae Ah think we shud increase it or scrap it, dependin' oan what the English make us do.

Sax: Unionist Unity: We tell the DUPers they can join us any time they like, if they dinnae want til they can get til fek.

Lots of Love
Professor Billy McWilliams
Heid Yin o' 1690 an all thon, website/palitical think tank.

*(Ah admit thit this approach was limited til yin o' yer councillors walkin' past me the o'er day)

Thursday, 15 July 2010

The Gaeltacht - fur ah was in it.

Ah hiv jist returned frae a cross community drinkin' binge in the Free State, designed fur tae bring usuns an' themuns intae mutual harmony through the power of meat and lager. Til a certain extent this succeeded as the commonality of alcohol related tomfoolery o'ercomes maist social an' religious divides. Ah hiv til admit though that there wus a severe barney at 4 am on the yinst night  forcin' messel til employ ma peacekeepin' skills. Ah am glad til say that this kerfuffle was o'er the heid o' taxis, rain an' slappers rather than palitics, provin' that society has moved oan, a bit.

Howiver that is nat the issue in hawn', fur hivin' bin invited til said binge Ah  was shacked til fine it is in a part o' the occupied 3 counties knain as the Gaeltacht. Thus, hivin' set aff in ma motor, merrily fallyin' ma designated route oan the map, ah wus faced wi' a barrage o' nonsensical signs which bore nae resemblence til the placenames that Ah was seekin'. Worse still, oan assemblin' in the pub wi' ma fella delegates, the folk in it were nat oany spakin' the Gaeltacht, but were conversin' in a strange dialect unrecognisable til those used til the cultured Irish language spake by Gerry Adams oan the television set.

Cultural Parity.

Anyhow, in mair sober moments it brung me mine back til a suggestion Ah put til Nelson McCauseland a' lock o' months back - thit a Scotstacht shud be established whereby oor language cud be cherished an' promoted.  The twa areas are very similar, beautiful scenery, lots o' sea, an' a huge quanity o' hooses occupied fur twa weeks a year by Belfast folk. Hivin' seen the Free State boys in action, ah wud like fur til take this idea further by suggestin thit the Ards shud be made monolingual forthwith. Tae my mine, this wud be relatively aisily achieved by simply copyin' the Gaeltacht folk's manoevures -

Road Signs - shud be in somethin' naebudy unnerstawns. At the moment the folk up the Ards hiv both the Ulster Scots an' the Inglis', dae awa' wi' the latter. Talbotstoon an' Greba are there already, Ah wud suggest we call Bangor, Bengor; Carrowdore, Carrydour an' Millisle, The Hole.

Shaps - Like the Gaeltacht area, all prices shud be extortionately raised beyon the means o' all but the super rich. A packet o' fegs shud cost £8.50 an' a can o' beer £2.53. Ah got aroun' this in the Free State by bringin' an immense quantity o' beer wi' me an' refusin' til move. The money raised cud pay fur til put awl the signs oan the shaps intil the hamely tongue and til convert weights an' measures intil the standard Ulster Scots yins o' wheens, locks an' rakes.

Banks - Ah noted thit the banks are alsae in the Gaeltacht language. Thus a visit til the cashpoint was extremely confusin'. It tuk me a fair lock o' minutes til realise that Banc na Eireann was actually ma destination til start wi', then the machine offered me a choice o' Inglis an' An Gaelige. Nae Ulster Scots ah noticed.  In the Scotstacht the cashpoints shud likewise be in Ulster Scots. Insteid o' sayin "Please enter your pin" it should say "Stick in yer nummer ye boy ye an' make sure naebudies lukkin'." Likes wise "Do you want advice with that transaction" shud say "Thy'ons a fair amoont yer fur takin' oot, dinnae spen' it awl in the yin shap."

Folk - The folk shud all spake broad Ulster Scots, but then be unable til read somethin' in the language when asked til dae sae by a casual visitor. This appears fur til be the norm in the Gaeltacht.

Schools - the schools shud prepare the wains o' the Ards fur the C21st by teachin' them nathin but Ulster Scots, creationism, bonefire erection, murial paintin', Scottish dancin' an' the flute. Til a certain extent a pilot scheme fur this is already in operation in Portavogie.

O'er matters.

Racent events hiv highlighted the urgent naid fur recreational riotin' facilities in Belfast, as Ah suggested a wheen o' posts ago. Twa burds cud be kilt wi' yin stain Ah reckon, fur the contentious paraders cud march roun' the facility in front o' the rioters aforehawn, thus allayin' them til get their blood up sufficiently an' in turn minimisin' traffic disruption til the ordinary citizen. Polis tactics wudnae naid til change, fur they cud jist stan' an watch frae a distance an' arrest naebudy. At o'er times o' the year the local youths cud engage in community murial paintin' aroun the facility, an' then vandalise eacho'ers after.

Friday, 9 July 2010

Pulitzer Prize Winnin' Stuff.

1690 his made the paper again. Admittedly oany the Belfast Telegraf, nat the Newsletter, but til be fair til themuns at the Tele they recognised the naid fur an Ulster Scots perseptive on the Twelfth an' decided fur til approach oorselves fur comment. Yit again they hiv fell intil the "Satirical Character" trap in describin' messel, an' furgat Professor in ma title. Ah wudnae mine tae much, but when Ah gae fur funnin' frae the Europe it's nae help if they think Ah'm jist takin' the pish.

Anyhow the article is here, aulder raiders may recognize much o' it frae last Twelfth, but that disnae matter, fur sure the point o' the Twelfth is thit it's the same every year anyhow.  Twa comments hiv come floodin' in Ah notice, Ah hape we dinnae git intil buther like the last time Ah turned ma hand til this. Ah wud point oot thit the tele asked me til temper ma Ulster Scots language usage fur their raiders, bein', as they are, frae the metropaliton elite.

Ballywalter Bonefire.

Ah hiv accidentally foun' messel oan a research trip up the Ards an' thus taeday driv past the magnificant structure thit is Ballywalter Bonefire. Fur the benefit o' raiders who may nat hiv seen this wonderful erection Ah tuk a couple o' wee snaps, yin o' which kin be sain above. Whilst photographin' Ah alsae discussed bonefire construction wi' the twa small boys thit appeared til be foremen o' the site. They claimed that their wus the best oan the Ards an' that Portavogie's was pish. Ah hiv til agree oan this, fur a driv roun' Portavogie lukkin' fur til get a snap fur comparison an' cudnae fine anythin' even resemblin' a bonefire.

Anyhow Ah pointed oot til the twa wains that their bonefire bore mair than a passin' resemblence til the crenelated glories o' an Elizabethan Tower House, stannin' sentinal o'er the harbour. They jist lukked at me tae be fair, an' wernae interested in ma proposal thit they study fur an HND in Bonefire Erection at South Aist Ards Bible an' Caterin' College. It is a shame thit the complex engineering o' a bonefire is nat better recognised by the Department o' Education folk, or indeed the valuable boon provided til the pallet industry oan an annual basis.