Tim Tim MacPat Coogan has, in his comments oer the heid o' Bit Fower, raised the ugly specter o' the pygmy shrew. Dispite bein the size o' a matchboax, this wee baste is probably the maist controversil in oor histry. Tim Tim claims thit the fak thit the Irish Pygmy Shrew has the same DNA as themuns frae Andorra mains thit the wee bastes mustae got here direk by boat frae the Iberian Peninsula, thus cuttin' oot the Ulster Scot. Ah promised him a response frae Wullie McIlveen, an ah got oan til him directly. Wullie wasnae tae plaised at bein' raised fur wurk oan a Friday night, he was oot wi Peter an' Iris at a fun' raiser fur Ballymena's Gay Pride march, but he put his team o' Palaeoarchaeologenetistits at the Auld Larnin' dept tae wurk.
Willie's team, drunk as they micht hiv bin oan a Friday, made the fallyin' points.
Yin: It isnae a native spice, an' thus cud hiv arrived here by tradin' boats lang after the yinst folk goat here.
Twa: The logic o' the arguement is that the wee shrews hopped ontil a boat frae Spain, an naebody saw them. Oor team point oot that it wid be wile hard fur a bear tae dae likewise. The big bastes mustae walked here.
Thrie: It's a fairly crap baste compared til wulfs an' bears (guid Ulster Scots - see Bit Thrie). If ye hiv tae base an entire genaeological theory fur the Irish oan yin baste, yiv picked tha wrang puck.
Fower: A pregnant shrew micht hiv fawlen ontae an Albatross that later landed here. Then fell aff.
Five: Andorra an' Ireland? Mountinous land locked country an' an island? Guid oan ye shrew if ye managed tae catch the ferry.
In summary oor team reckon that ye need tae drap the Iberian Peninsula an' start thinkin' oan the Ards.