Thursday, 5 February 2009

Bit Five: Life in Middle Stain Times

Afore we git doon 'til the histry ah'll hiv tae tak a moment 'til deal agin' wi' Tim Tim Mac Pat Coogan's bizarre arguements. In his comments oer the heid o' the pygmy shrew, he alleges that the bears in Ireland cud hiv evolved frae wee small bears that hitched a ride in the packs o' Spanish settlers. That wid wurk, aside frum the fact that the Darwinian timeframe o' evolution disnae giv time fur mini-bears 'til evolve intae big bears, an' that the big bears wur here befair folk. Even if they cud, the settler's wud be hard pushed 'til fit an elk in thair han' luggage oan the way oe'r.

Tim alsae ignores the geological evidince that proves that Ulster was fernenst Scotland until post-glacial isostatic uplift, instied clingin' 'til the noshun o' a big packed Spaniard lannin' here wi' a bag full o' bastes. Furthermair he is quik tae castigate the albatross/shrew oan back theory, but in doin' sae furgets the etymology o' the wurd "albatross". It cums frae "Alba" the auld wurd fur Scotlan' and "Trossachs", the mountins yid fine thair. In prehistoric times Albatrosses regularly ferried manies a wee baste across the new "Irish" Sea. Hopefully this, an' the evidence below, will put his mine at rest - allowin us tae move oan tae Bit Five.

Bit Five - Life in the Middle Stain Times.

We knaw frae Bit Fower that the folk o' the Mesolithic were Ulster-Scots, settlin' in the Caulraine region, but whit dae we knaw aboot thair way o' life? Fur ansers we hiv tae turn tae Aist Antrims fourmoast expert oan Stains, W.J. McIlveen o' Kings College, Ballylumford. Young Wullie hus bin studien' these folk for close til 3 years an his larned a grate deal aboot them.

Wullie tells us they were a hunter-gathrin' people, livin' aff berries an' bastes. Accordin' 'til whit the archaeologits foun' in Mountsannel, these folk lived in wee roun' houses made o' sticks and skins, maist likely uppin' thar sticks tae fally the bastes tae the nixt huntin' groun'. They made tools an' wepons frae flint, chippin' it intae wee bits called microliths. This mains wee stains, nat tae be confused wi' megalith, which means big stain. Nae Mesolithic man wud want tae hiv a big stain oan his tool, as this might a' bin awkward oan a huntin trip. Aside frum wee stains an' roun' hooses, these nomadic folk hiv left us little evidince, sae how dae we knaw they wur Ulster Scots?
W.J. his complied a dossier of evidince:

Yin: As previously stated in Bit Fower, they lived near 'til Caulraine, kultural hame til the Ulster Scot.

Twa: Caulraine is a fair bit closer tae Scotland than it is til Andorra.

Thrie: They were hunters, an' the name giv by maist folk 'til a hunter's hoose is a huntin' lodge. These were the yinst primitive orange halls.

Fower: As hunter-gatherers, they moved frae place 'til place, maist likely fallyin' a traditional route. Thar isnae any evidince o' them formin' residents' groups fur tae protest.

Five: They spake in a langwidge unintelligible tae folk o' modern times.

So thir ye go, even wi' the tenuous evidince left 'til us by the Mesolithic folk, we can still trace oor links wi' the mother country.

Nixt time - farmin'.


Anonymous said...

Thon wummin in t'picture luks a fair bit fer a wifie an no afraid o hard work tae boot!

Oul Bin Hoker

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Dear Sir.

I have been *forced* to abandon my Luncheon of Jamón Ibérico and a fine Rioja to respond to your continued rejection of our Glorious Iberian Ancestry. This is most distressing to me but I will persevere in the attempt to make you see the Light.

Caulraine is obviously a corruption of Cual Reine - which translates as 'Which Reign'. This refers to an argument over which dark, exotic, flashing-eyed Iberian should rule the first colony in Ireland. Lodge is a well-known term in Spanish 'logia' which refers to a branch or meeting place of the Ancient Order of Iberians. They may well have been following a traditional route, most likely an early version of a 'Camino', or pilgrimage to the Holy Isle of Hibernia.

Finally, and most conclusively:

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Tim Tim his agin' confused the issue. Caulraine is an Ulster Scots name meaning that in thy'on part o' the land it is caul an' rains a wile lat.As fur his pictures, whit does a nudey mon oan the beach hiv tae dae wi' it?
Anonymous, I will dail wi' ye later. Ah am suspicious that yer comments awlways appear aroond the same time as Tim's.