Thursday, 12 February 2009

Bit Sax - Farmin' Folk

Sammy Update

Afore we git movin' we naid fur til update yis oan the Sammy Wilson/Climate Changin' controversy. Ah' hid thought that the interventshun o' Antoinette Givenchy (see belaw) wid hiv put a stap til this carry oan, but it saims that the Enviroment Committee o' Stormount didnae pay heed til her wise wurds. Thiv declared that thiv nae confidence in Sammy by a vote o' sax tae fower. Ah'd call oan all richt thinkin' folk oot thair tae put pen til paper and screed tae thar MLA demandin' that Sammy is kept oan. Wi' that in mine ah've changed the pole this week. Ah had intended fur a ficht aff between the winners o' the last twa poles bit instied ah'm given yis a democratik forum til' register yer feelins. When the new pole shuts, ah'll send the results tae thy'on Green Party boy up at Stormount. Saxth place in the Nairth Doon election disnae give him the richt til cause this baither fur yin o' Ulster politics finest mines.

Last weeks Pole.

Last week we had a luk at the fichtin' skills o' the Shinners. Ah' wis shacked til see that yis dismissed the merits o' the twa boyos oot o' hawn an' it came doon 'til a cat ficht between de Brown an' Ruane. In the end it fell til Bairbre, an' ah'll accept that she's a richt hard ticket. Personally ah' hiv a wee saft spat for oor husky voiced Ministair o' Larnin' fur ah' admire the commitment she shaws til oor Larnin' system here in Norn Iron. This is a woman who tuk her ain wains oot o' the vastly superior Comprehensive system in the Free State an' inflicted a divisive Ulster Grammer Skool oan them. Ye cudnae ask fur anymair than thy'on.

Howiver oor grant fundin' frae the European Fund Agin' Killin' In the Nairth So as Tae Arrange Peace (EuFAKINSTAP) requires us 'til dae a Histry thing, sae fur noo wi'll leave the present behine an' move back 'til the Neolithic.

Bit Sax: The Braw New Stain Times.

Afore we begin it wid be as well fur me tae anticipate the bleatens o' the likes o' Tim Tim McPat Coogan. Taenicht ah'll jist be takin' a quick luk at the Ulster Scots origins o' the Neolithic Folk, laivin' their way o' life til Bit Sen. In his ramblins Tim will inevitably insist that these new folk came frae Andorra or whariver, but we can soon cut oot that claptrap.

As wiv seen in Bit Five, themuns in the Middle Stain Times were no mad folk, shiftin' aboot in search o' food an shelter, but this cudnae go oan furiver. Sax oor sen odd thousan' years hence new folk cum here, bringin' wi them a braw new way o' livin'. They didnae move aboot, they wur farmers.


As farmers these folk brung bastes wi' them, new bastes, no the native spices yid gat befair. They brung coos an' yos o'er, big bastes that nae man cud fit in a boat frae Spain. They mustae cum frae sumwair nearer at hawn; an that place is maist likely tae hiv bin Scotland. Yin o' the bastes they brought wi' them wis the goat, a key ingredient in the manufakture o' a Lambeg Drum. Ah checked wi' the Archaeologits an' wile the admit that they havnae yit foun' a Neolithic Lambeg, they hiv confessed tae me that thiv foun' nae proof that thair wasnae any.


Furthermair, as wi'll see in Bit Sen (Life in the New Stain Times), yin o' the maist important things that turned folk intae farmers was the inventshun o' the pot. We micht well tak oor porcelin fur granted these days, but back then it was a wile important thing fur storin' the farmer's guids. Wi'oot pots, thared be naewair til store yer fuid, sae nae point in farmin. The auldest pots foun' in Ireland were foun' at Lyles Hill, Co Antrim, the haim o' the Ulster Scot. Now whitiver Tim Tim an' his ilk micht cum up with, ye hiv tae accept that any new folk wid be highly unlikely tae lug thair bastes an pots the hole way frae Spain tae Antrim befair they started at the farmin'. Jist as in the Middle Stain Times, the Neolithic folk wud a' goat doon tae busness as near as so tae wair they landed.


Finally the Iberian lobby shud be aware o' the fact that the folk o' the New Stain Times didnae build roun' hooses like the Mesolithic Folk. They had invented the recktangle hoose, wha' hid the bonus o' gable ends, hawny places fur murials o' boys on wicht horses.

Hopefully that will remove sum o' the usual queries, an' nixt time we can git doon tae the life o' the New Stain Folk.

In the maintime, mak' sure ye register yer support fur Sammy.


Anonymous said...

Dear Sir

I am unable to give this latest theoretical meandering my fullest attention as I am travelling North of the Border to carry out my own personal investigations. Then I will be in a position to refute you most thoroughly. I have some of your Sterr-ling and I have rioja.

With kind regards

Professor TimTim MacPat Coogan.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

A traditshunal Ulster Scots welum awaits all oor visitors frae the State. Ye shud gae native, drap the Rioja and hae a wee swally o' Bush.