Tuesday, 3 March 2009

Seturday Nicht at the Picturs

New Joab.

Ah'm noo near tae a week in the Royal Ballat Skool, nair til London, a quare chenge frae ma deys in Ballymena. Sae far things hiv goan fine. At yinst the cast o' Swan Lough wernae tae plaised at the introducshun o' Drumnavaddy's drum corps at full throttle, bit a managed tae persuade them that Tchaikovsky hid aways envisaged a rattle o' Ballylough time in the backgroun'. Whit swung it fur them wis ma point that yid rairly fine a mair Ulster Scots name than Billy Elliot. If thesuns iver want til raich the hichts o' him, thid naid til larn til appreciate the auld goatskin. Ah'll still be visitin' leckturer in Ballymena, mind you, sae willnae succum tae London ways.

Nudey Picturs

This week ah hid intended til luk fairther intae the branze age, bit as usual events hiv overtakin' me. A group o' "comediens" hiv decided til dub the nudey pictur "Flesh Gordan" intae Ulster Scots, wi the idea, ah'm sure, o' gi'en a few smart erses a laugh at the hamely tongue. Whin ah heared this idea, ah got strait oantil Billy McQuillan, oor very ain linguist an' pictur buff. Billy taul me, that efter manies an hur researchin' nudey picturs, he his oany iver come across yin o' them in Ulster Scots.* This wus the infamous "Braveerse", a durty luk at yin o' Scotland's gratest folk. Full details o' this new travesty can be foun' at...


The quality o' the translashun can be judged by the fak that they use "smot" when they main "nudiness". Yin o' ma correspondants his suggested that we here at 1690 organise a group visit fur til see this this fillum, but ah sae Naw tae that. Insteid we shud be organisin' oorselves fur a form o' flash protest. Ah recall a few years hence there wis a dokumentary aboot the Roman Catholic church called "Father Ted." In yin episode, the eponymous Priest an' his sidekick protested agin a nudey fillum. Ah' reckon that fur yince we shud tak a leaf oot o' the papist's prayer book an git oorselves doon til the cinema, banners aloft. Sammy Wilson his reciprocated oor support fur him by puttin' his wee red face on yin fur us. The hamely tongue is fur the spakin', nae fur the lickin'.

Grate Picturs.

Howiver it putt me tae thinkin' aboot whit micht happin if we goat a big enough grant frae yin o' oor o'er funders - the European Fund Of Oral Linguistics Secretariat. It micht allow us til putt ano'er few films intae Ulster Scots, makin' me wunder how some o' the classic lines o' cinema histry micht soun' in the hamely tongue. A few examples are belaw, if ye kin think on any mair let us knaw.

Of all the ginjoints in Annaclone......

1. Mrs Robinson, yer tryin' til coort me, aren't ye?

2. Yiv got til esk yersen yin question: 'Dae ah fail lucky?' Well, dae ye, ye boy ye?"

3. Hasta la Vista, bairn!

4. Tae be fair tae ye wee cuddy, ah dinnae gie a hoot.

5. Ye had me at, "Whit aboot ye?"

6. Why dinnae ye git yersel up here sometime an' tak a luk at me?

7. Ah wantae be oan ma sen.

8. Thy'ons lukkin at ye, wain.

9. A wee Bush, shuk, nat steered.

10. Ah luve the guff o' 4 star in the forenuin.

A Prablem Sheared

As I screed this evenin' the pole has nat yit stapped, so ah'm unable tae pass comment oan the result. Howiver it is apparent that yis share ma admirashun fur Iris, an' her style. Ah mentshuned this tae her o'er dinner in Portavogie the oe'r nicht, an' she is wile touched by the affectshun yis hiv shewn her. Sae much sae that she his affered her services as an Agony Aunt til Blog fallyers. Jist putt yer prablem, whitever it micht be, intae the comments, an Iris will git back tae ye as sain as she can.

Nixt week, wurk an' events permittin', Bit Nine.

*In the intrests o' dacency Ah've removed ma earlier intrests o' dacency addendum. This will oany mak sense if ye saw the yinst wurds oan the intrests o' dacency which Ah hiv decided werenae dacent enough.


Anonymous said...

Dear Iris
Ever since I wis a little boy ah've wanted til be a little Girl. Whit shud ah dae?

Alsae, wair dae ye git yer make up?

Anonymous said...

Confused frae Larne...

This is a terrible predicament, one which would be abolished under the new DUP mentalist’s policy. However in my sympathetic voice I will say that all of us harbour secret fantasies which will never be fulfilled. I know that Peter has several, mainly involving rubber.
Prayer is of course the answer to all questions, except "Who will win the 3.30 at Newmarket?", I have found, to my cost.

Re: Make Up - Avon, and prayer.