Monday, 27 July 2009

New Car, TV an' Sangwiches

New Car

As mentioned the o'er day, the McWilliamses ventured oot fur tae purchase a braw new auld big car fur the Mrs. It is a tremendous thing til behaul. It is sae high aff the groun' thit Mrs McWilliams, bein' wee, requires a complex system o' black an' tackle tae git in, an' the help o' a passin' stranger til git back oot.

We in the McWilliams hoosehaul are nathin' if nat loyal. The (former) Minister fur the Enviroment, the Rt Hon Councillor Sammy Wilson MP MLA, taul us thit thars nathin' mankine kin dae aboot the auld climatic changin', sae we've tuk him at his wurd. The new yoke is called a Mitsubishi Polluta, thrie Litres an' twa tuns o' Carbon Footprint oan wheels. As we driv up hame the oer day we were pumpin' oot thit much diesel thit ah cud virtually see the climate change aroun' the motor. Leaves were fallin aff trees an' at laist yin species o' butterflee bit the dust as we made oor way through Stewartstoon. Howiver we arnae tae wurried aboot the hole thing, fur we liv near til the border an' kin git oor diesel in the Free State.

There is yin prablem buggin' me, fur the new auld car is o' a green hue. Herrsel is already startin' til wurry aboot whit the ladies in the Lodge will mak o' it nixt time she's doon the hall.


Taeday ah bought a sangwich made by a company called Freshways. Chicken an' Bacon it wis, fur ye aways naid a bit o' bacon, an' very nice it wis tae. Ah wis raidin' the back o' the packet, as ye dae, an' noticed thit they invite recipe suggestions. Ah fur yin am aways willin til help oot an thus when Patsy (frae oor wurk) discovered thit egg sangwiches kin be improved by addin' a few beef monster munch ah e-screeded til them directly, advisin' thim o' this new taste sensation.

Ah reckon thit oor raiders here at 1690 are mair than capable o' inventin new types o' sangwich, an' suggest thit we awl bombard Freshways wi' suggestions, in a helpful way o' coorse. Ah reckon thit naebudies iver made a lamb, peach an' marmite sangwich befair, fur example.

Thar e-screed address is if ye fancy helpin' oot.


Ah shud prabably apologise tae the Linekar family after ma diatribe agin' Gary an' Danielle's Northern Exposure last Friday nicht, but ah won't, fur it is the wurk o' Satan. Aside frae the fak it maks us folk luk like a bunch o' panderin' pricks, the entire premise an' pun o' the name o' the show is based oan an early 90s American "kooky" drama set in Alaska. Nae doot this wis a reference missed by most o' the audience, but ah'd gie them "Northern Exposure" fur ah'd tak thum tae Ballymena an' git Wullie McIlveen til show them his Orange Order Medallion. Twin Freaks, mair like.

Thit said, Serendipity A Pearson (in the comments last time) suggested a pole fur tae wurk oot the wurst Norn Iron TV programme o' oor time. This wis a tough yin, but ah giv yis......

Yin - The Skool Aroun' the Corner. (Frank Mitchell - why?)
Twa - Gie ma Heid Peace (bastards)

Thrie - Town Challenge (Hugo Duncan!!! Local folk!!!)

Fower - Gary an' Danielle's Northern Exposure. (see above an' belaw.)

Five - Panic Attack (a "game show" wi' Steven Nolan an' a tap prize o' 6 pouns.)

Ah cud add mair. Last weeks pole fur best mixer is won by Broon. Thank the Laird.


Nixt time, ah will dae histry, ah pramise......


Fat Sparrow said...

Was that truly the biggest car you could buy? I am all for Global Warming after I move away from Southern California, and as we will be living by the coast in Norn Iron I figure that the property values would go up quite a bit if you could actually visit the coast without having to be bundled up like an Eskimo. I would suggest that you buy a Hummer next time, yes they do come in orange.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Biggest we cud afford. Ah'm concerned the noo fur we stuck diesel in it an' it saims tae hiv a tank the size o' Belgium.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Ah shud point oot thit ah jist gat a reply frae the sangwich folk. An automated yin sayin' that the email didnae exist. Even though its oan the box!

Ah am fumin' an shall invwestigate fairhter when ah kin be arsed.

Serendipity A Pearson, Archipedologist said...

This colour is as close as ****** to British Racing Green. I know this because when I was weee, my father painted my little pedal car that colour!
A few demonstration spins around the car park, ending in handbrake turns, and her fellow Lady Lodge-rs will surely not question her authority.
(Would you?)

Bill E Ricky said...

I fink the werst local TV show that I've ad the pleasure of getting a butchers at since I levt Essex was last nights Greatest Haunts. Who ever made that was obviously aving a laff at the licence payers xpense. There are obviously some right shady geezers associated with Bellaghy Bawn.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Thy'ons a magnificant programme Bill, an' well ye knae it. It isnae put taegither in a slipshod fashun at all.