Thursday, 20 August 2009


As revailed in the last instawlment, we hiv accidentally wun a prize in a palitical blog competition. We thunk lang an' hard as tae how we iver gat involved in the competition in the yinst place, but then Wullie McIlveen admitted he gat pished an' put oor name intil thy'on Total Palitics site. As such paliticly registered folk, 1690 is therefower, prabably, oblaged tae dail wi' palitical things, even though we are officially banned frae dae'in it by yin o' oor European funn'ers.

Ah, fur yin, hate palitics in Norn Iron, it is genrally practised by arse folk wha left skool wi' a CSE Grade Yin in Lukkin' Hard Studies oor else went til University tae study farmin', cudnae make oany frens, sae joint a palitical party tae git sum, didnae, but nivertheless ended up an MLA. Howiver wi' oor new foun' status as a palitical blog ah hiv lukked at the news fur the yinst time in ages. Obviously blogs are meant til break unknain news tales, but ah cannae be arsed, sae ah lukked at the BBC instied.

Story Yin

The arseembly are sortin' oot thar digital TV coverage. Ah assume this will allow us awl tae luk at Sir Reg Empy in HD. Nat really a story ah'll grant ye, but did oany o' yis iver luk at it oan analogue?

Story Twa

Nat the yin aboot the Carrick postmen, wha' must be rushed aff thar feet, but LUK, 15 new jobs!! West o' the Bann! Mental oor whit? Some o' them micht even be legal.

15!! Imagine, 15 new jobs. At last the East/West employment divide in Norn Iron is broke.

Story Thrie

GAA has Republican sympathies, says DUP man.

Guid, an' indaid shackin' story. Mair tae the point though, ah thunk at yinst thy'on wis a picture o' Gerry Adams.


Thy'ons the best ah kin dae, frae the noo ah' hiv withdrawn frae bein' palitical, fur it is ballix.

Americans extra

Fur oor American audience - the best news wiv hid in ages.


Fat Sparrow said...

I'm sure Bill we be over, you know, even if they don't send Hilary. I mean, look what happened with North Korea.

Besides, Bill has to come over, even if it's just to say "Bout ye!" to his various love children from his last visit, and to slip the millies their child maintenance.

You can always spot a love child of Bill's, I've heard; their eyes are too close together.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Thy'on souns suspiciously like a sectarian statement fat burd. Bill slep' wi awl kines o' folk whin he wis here, nat jist the o'er sort.

Brendan and Russell said...

Praffassir, yur nat wun ta be tawkin - ye nivver stap goin on about "the o'er sort". Moat an beem, big fella.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

The o'er sort is a term o' endearment fur themusn' wha hivnae sain the licht o' Free Presbyterianism. It kin include Church o' Ireland, Moslims, the lat. Ah wid niver say oanythin' aboot how close taegither thar eyes are, fur thit wud be offensive. Thit isnae how ye knaw them, if ye shave thar heids, they hiv horns. Sae ma granny said anyhow, fur ah've yit til shave yin.

Ah'm watchin' yis twa, fur Mid-Ulster Scots is merely a dialect, unlike Big Ulster Scots, which isnae. Ah think.

Brendan and Russell said...

Mistar Prafassir, wees happiy that Ulster Scots has gat a lat a grants. But thirs athir langwiges in Norn Iron an Mid Olstir Scats is wun af thim. Parraty af asteam is all wear askin fer. Think on.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Ballix, Mid Ulster Scots his nain o' the richness an divarsity o' the hamely tongue. It is purely a language spake by drunk folk in parks. Mainly consumin' Bucky.

It disnae hiv a written heritage the likes o' the buiks ah stuck oan here a wheen o' days ago. Plus, yis hiv Craigavon in yer area - the Laird's ain Arsehole.

Brendan and Russell said...

Ahm Speachliss. Thars moar divirisity in one indavijil frum the Greatir Lorgin Arya than thir is in tha hole af North Antram cos yer nathin but a load o in bred (an ill-bred) culchies who maek tha weirdos fram tha film Delivrance luk normil. An Ah bet yes make outsiders "sqweel lak a sheep" whin yes git the chance.
Mid Olstir Scats is a real langwige and itll have a class written heryrige wunce me and Brendan hav finishd our navils.
Ahm sarry te spake so brootally hanistly, but Ah de at more in sarra than in angir.
Gud nite.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Big Ulster Scots is spake awl over, includin' Donegal, which is in the Free State. Youse are tryin' til piggy back oan a cultural explosion, yin nat sain since Jimi Hendrix threatened til turn his back oan the guitar an' take up the Lambeg, then wis murdered fur the suggestion. By his manager. Prabably.

The correck term fur yer dialect is Mid-Ulster English, an thit, bizarrely, is true.

Brendan and Russell said...

Yer wrang, wees wantin a fare share af the cake, regardliss o what yoo an the athirs o tha Olstir-Scats-Free-Presbyteryin-camplex say. At cums down te parraty af asteam. If culchie spake is a real langwige, then so is Lurganish. Mid Olsitr Scats is spokin by Praddastans and Caflicks in Greatir Lorgin, it is non-sektaryin - we want our recignishin an grant money.
An I think ye meant "sheep back" instead o "piggy back".

Old Knudsen said...

Reg Empy looks like Mr Burns from the Simpsons I demand that someone agrees with me.
The Carrick postmen want bells and reflectors on their bikes too look more modern I draw the line at low rider jeans.
I too will celebrate the hunger strikes, it was all going so well.
bring that sexpot Hilary back to the states as I want to give her the best 20 seconds of her life, yes that is doing it twice.

Is it true they are building a michael jackson centre beside the Andrew jackson centre in carrick?

Old Knudsen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Ah'm richt an glad ah went til me bed, fur this comment thing went a bit mental last nicht.

This is whit happens if ye git involved in Palitics, ah micht hiv tae delete awl the comments fur offensiveness.

Yer richt though, Auld Knunsden, thar bildin' an extension oantil the Andrew Jackson centre. Ah think its the Michael Jackson Conservatory.