Tuesday, 11 May 2010

Cultural Extravaganza

Right - Ballix til yer woman

The folk of the wider wurld, an' ah include paliticians o' all ilks in that, tend fur til view the complex culture o' the Ulster Scot through the prism o' marchin', flute bawnds an' lambegs. All are fine things but whilst Orangefest, oor whitiver its calt, has its place, it is oany a drap in the complex cultural ocean that makes up the Ulster Scot's psyche. This week offers an explosion o' such delights, as it brings til oor fair shores the glories of the Balmoral Show and the Nairth West Twa Hunner. In order fur til facilitate the unititiated intil these twa pillars o' Ulster grateness, ah prupose fur til gie yis a brief guide til whit til expect, an' the social etikette required shud ye decide til visit either occasion.

The Balmoral Show

The Balmoral Show was invented fur til allow folk frae across the pravince til luk at yos an' coos an' the like whilst at the same time bein' in a town. Normally this is nat passible, makin' towns, o'er than market yins, inherently alien til the true Ulster Scot.
The oany time ye shud be in a town is fur a market or a march, o'er wise there is divilment in them, the roads are wile hard tae cross an' ye get bad luks in yer tractor. Except Ballymena.
Thus in 18 somethin' or o'er a devoted bawnd o' animal enthusiasts resolved fur til bring the country folk intil Belfawst, much til the chag rin o' the folk livin' there taeday, fur they hiv three days o' folk drivin' wile slow, wavin' at everybody oot their windaes, and stappin' oan the westlink til talk til the boy in the car next til him. Ah wud urge all country folk til dae sae wi' pride, slow the bastards doon fur a wheen o' days.

Balmoral etikette 

Whit til wear - ideally three coats an' a V neck, flat cap an' wellington boots. Nat green yins, black, wi muck oan them. A shirt is optional. Bailer twine belts used til be the style, but give aff a country bumpkin luk, better aff wi' a pair o' stout braces unner yer V neck. Fur wimmin, much the same, oany a dress. Both sexes shud carry a stout stick at awl times.

 Whit til say - The fallyin' phrases are wurth mindin'. "Grawnd day fur it", "Luk at the hocks on thy'on?", "Where is the grant tent?", "Dae ah git a free Newsletter wi' that?", "When is Hugo Duncan oan?" "Ah am aff fur til luk at them new Rennold tractors."

Whit nat tae say - "The boys and I come here every year, it is important for them to understand where their food comes from." "Is there a vegetarian option?" "Renault". Alsae dinnae say anythin aboot the o'er surt - they are allowed til come til this, it is nat the Twelfth.

Whit til drive - in an ideal wurld a Massey Ferguson 135 circa 1965. If nat, a 1987 landrover defender wi a sheep in the back ye furgat tae let oot. Bascially any yoke built before 1995 that has muck on it and his its spare wheel on the ootside.

Food - If yer smart ye kin ate an' drink fur next til nathin', though mainly yogurts an' milk. Howiver a true Ulster Scot willnae waste his money oan the o'er priced brock oan offer, he brings his ain sangwiches, in a Mother's Pride bag oor an auld shortbread tin. The odd poke is essential, even if its pishin'.

Smells - smells are an inherent part o' the Balmoral Show, an' shud nat be commentated upon. This provides an ideal opportunity fur til add smells o' yer ain wi' naebudy noticin'.

The Nairth West

This is the sporting equivilant o' the Balmoral Show - the UK's biggest sportin' event that naebody knaes aboot. The raison naebudy knaes is that anyyin whit micht watch it oan the TV is at it, sae there's nae point in puttin it oan.
As ah hiv explained afore in these pages - motorcycle road racin' is the true sport o' the Ulster Scot bringin', as it does, the richt fur til black roads an' cause climate change at the yin time. It his the advantage in bein' helt in the traditional hallyday destination o' the hamely folk, as well as hivin' a complex plethora o' accents oan display frae the riders. Nat fur Joey Dunlap an' the boys the metrosexuality o' yer David Beckhams or Christiano Ronaldos, ye drive yer ain van an' luk like a farmer at all times.

Nairth West Twa Hunner Etikette.

Whit til wear - Leather. Leather everythin' even sacks. Slaip in a leather slaipin' bag inside a leather tent. Wimmin shud revail as much o' their baps as passible, though ah admit thit thy'on micht just be a personable preference. (Oan nae account dae this at Balmoral, fur there are boys there whit hivnae sain a woman in months, an' milkin machines.)

Whit til say -  "Jays thy'on boy is goin' at a quare rate." "Yeoooooo" (when prizes are awarded, or when some boy gaes fast roun' a bend". "Suckin' deisel" "Keep er lit" "When is the funeral?"

Whit nat tae say - "This is a disgrace, I have to get to my work". Anythin' aboot the environment. Anythin aboot danger, noise, bannin' it or the like. As wi' Balmoral, there may be o'er surt at it, sae nathin' aboot themuns.

Whit til drive - a motorcycle, obviously, although a truck is a good secondary option. Vans with things like "Keep er Lit" in the windaes an' yer name doon the side.

Food - disnae really matter, fur whitever ye git will gie ye the shits.

Smells - petrol an'o'er fumes are prevelent. Alsae shite (see food). Chemical toilets. 

In summary ah wish ye well which iver o' these cultural events ye choose fur til attend. On nae account talk til any paliticians, they oany gie til them til make it luk as if they're half interested in anythin' we think.

Other things - 

Ah decided fur til ignore yer woman. Howiver ah intend til git oantil her youse tube thing an' sleg her auld brock music. Ah was slightly concerned thit when a considered retirement 6 people clicked "grand" oan the thing. Nat sure whit til make o' that. In the maintime oor pole luks at the cultural delights thit await us the week.


Old Knudsen said...

Old Knudsen gets trolls from time to time, think about explaining the plot of Lost to a retarded poodle and there you have it.
I've had two in one week, I ignored the first one then called the second a rude name you'd never guess.

What is the problem with Ards? the tractor beys give you dirty looks as they hog the road at 15 mph but in the City of the 7 towers tractor beys are almost Gods! as it should be.
Yes old Knudsen did live in village that sounds like Hells and Old Knudsen did work in Ballymena where the cow and the sheep are king....... and quite sexy.

Daveboy (no the boxer frae Larne, though I met his cousin the day (seriously)) said...

Dear Professor Billy,

I hae a wile nummer o things on me mind and fur til get aff me chist, all at yince, so bear wie me.

First aff, I am fierce wile relieved fur til see ye move on frae yer raycent lows, an back in the seat of the Massey of Cultural Commentatin. I fer yin will gladly travel in yer attached trailer, expecially if ye happened til have a lock o Tennents therein.

Point twa - Muchly thankin ye fer yer guide til The Show an The Norwest. These are twa highpoints fer all right-thinkin Ulster Scots, as well as fer a brave few who dinnae think right, nor anywhere near it. Wile useful an prektical gyidince.

Nummer three - I was yin o the yins what pressed the "grand" button on the interteleweb yesterday whin ye said ye were fer stannin doon. Thon was mint til be supportif, though I can noo see how it might hae scunnered ye. If there was a "Professor Billy, dinnae be scunnered by doses" button, I wud hae pressed it.

Fur. I hae lucked at yer wummin's youse tube. Boys, whur dae I start?! I suppose wae the obvious point that she lucks fierce wile like a bodie, I mean WILE fierce wile like a bodie. Dinnae wanty dwell on her songs, fer music's wile subjective, but I'd rather listen to wan o me own coaly dogs eatin me fut. She's no short o opinions by the lucks o her comments, tho she's wile short o fallyers an friends.

Sorry fur til santer.

Anonymous said...

Sterlin' wurk Prof.

Keep her lit.

Anonymous said...

Do I need guidance on Hillsborough Garden Party?

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Last anonymous - nat very anonymous are ye? Showin' aff. Ah shud hiv bin invited, but ah widnae gae til it, Hillsborough is the antithesis o' Ulster Scotsness. Far tae Inglish an' nae coos.

Anonymous said...

I am fierce happy faer tay see yeh hae been talkin about the culturayl grayteness o the north. Bein fray ballymoney up narth where Masseys are mandaytory like a lovea thon Dr Ian Paisley Sir hi.
Keep her lit boyo

Sham bode.