Thursday, 15 July 2010

The Gaeltacht - fur ah was in it.

Ah hiv jist returned frae a cross community drinkin' binge in the Free State, designed fur tae bring usuns an' themuns intae mutual harmony through the power of meat and lager. Til a certain extent this succeeded as the commonality of alcohol related tomfoolery o'ercomes maist social an' religious divides. Ah hiv til admit though that there wus a severe barney at 4 am on the yinst night  forcin' messel til employ ma peacekeepin' skills. Ah am glad til say that this kerfuffle was o'er the heid o' taxis, rain an' slappers rather than palitics, provin' that society has moved oan, a bit.

Howiver that is nat the issue in hawn', fur hivin' bin invited til said binge Ah  was shacked til fine it is in a part o' the occupied 3 counties knain as the Gaeltacht. Thus, hivin' set aff in ma motor, merrily fallyin' ma designated route oan the map, ah wus faced wi' a barrage o' nonsensical signs which bore nae resemblence til the placenames that Ah was seekin'. Worse still, oan assemblin' in the pub wi' ma fella delegates, the folk in it were nat oany spakin' the Gaeltacht, but were conversin' in a strange dialect unrecognisable til those used til the cultured Irish language spake by Gerry Adams oan the television set.

Cultural Parity.

Anyhow, in mair sober moments it brung me mine back til a suggestion Ah put til Nelson McCauseland a' lock o' months back - thit a Scotstacht shud be established whereby oor language cud be cherished an' promoted.  The twa areas are very similar, beautiful scenery, lots o' sea, an' a huge quanity o' hooses occupied fur twa weeks a year by Belfast folk. Hivin' seen the Free State boys in action, ah wud like fur til take this idea further by suggestin thit the Ards shud be made monolingual forthwith. Tae my mine, this wud be relatively aisily achieved by simply copyin' the Gaeltacht folk's manoevures -

Road Signs - shud be in somethin' naebudy unnerstawns. At the moment the folk up the Ards hiv both the Ulster Scots an' the Inglis', dae awa' wi' the latter. Talbotstoon an' Greba are there already, Ah wud suggest we call Bangor, Bengor; Carrowdore, Carrydour an' Millisle, The Hole.

Shaps - Like the Gaeltacht area, all prices shud be extortionately raised beyon the means o' all but the super rich. A packet o' fegs shud cost £8.50 an' a can o' beer £2.53. Ah got aroun' this in the Free State by bringin' an immense quantity o' beer wi' me an' refusin' til move. The money raised cud pay fur til put awl the signs oan the shaps intil the hamely tongue and til convert weights an' measures intil the standard Ulster Scots yins o' wheens, locks an' rakes.

Banks - Ah noted thit the banks are alsae in the Gaeltacht language. Thus a visit til the cashpoint was extremely confusin'. It tuk me a fair lock o' minutes til realise that Banc na Eireann was actually ma destination til start wi', then the machine offered me a choice o' Inglis an' An Gaelige. Nae Ulster Scots ah noticed.  In the Scotstacht the cashpoints shud likewise be in Ulster Scots. Insteid o' sayin "Please enter your pin" it should say "Stick in yer nummer ye boy ye an' make sure naebudies lukkin'." Likes wise "Do you want advice with that transaction" shud say "Thy'ons a fair amoont yer fur takin' oot, dinnae spen' it awl in the yin shap."

Folk - The folk shud all spake broad Ulster Scots, but then be unable til read somethin' in the language when asked til dae sae by a casual visitor. This appears fur til be the norm in the Gaeltacht.

Schools - the schools shud prepare the wains o' the Ards fur the C21st by teachin' them nathin but Ulster Scots, creationism, bonefire erection, murial paintin', Scottish dancin' an' the flute. Til a certain extent a pilot scheme fur this is already in operation in Portavogie.

O'er matters.

Racent events hiv highlighted the urgent naid fur recreational riotin' facilities in Belfast, as Ah suggested a wheen o' posts ago. Twa burds cud be kilt wi' yin stain Ah reckon, fur the contentious paraders cud march roun' the facility in front o' the rioters aforehawn, thus allayin' them til get their blood up sufficiently an' in turn minimisin' traffic disruption til the ordinary citizen. Polis tactics wudnae naid til change, fur they cud jist stan' an watch frae a distance an' arrest naebudy. At o'er times o' the year the local youths cud engage in community murial paintin' aroun the facility, an' then vandalise eacho'ers after.


Anonymous said...

Billy - Mae gen ti broblem gyda ieithoedd celtaidd - ti moen help?

Anonymous said...

that was Dewi by the way...

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Nid oes gennyf broblem gyda Ieithoedd Celtaidd ar bob Dewi. Yr wyf yn rhugl mewn unrhyw beth ar Google Translate.

Mark said...

The noo ahm right paved. Ahm jaist efter sitting tae have my cuppatae in tha marn afar wark. No wanting fur tae wake the rest of tha hoose ah dinnae put the tally awn but packed up a tally guide lying aroond. Ah ken ye’ll be as shacked as ah to say the fallowing artical. M Biddulph dures to say a bad wurd agin Christine Bleakley citing her spaking and laffing as gatting on his/her nerves. WHAT! Tha inglish coo (Ah assume a hen as no man wud ever mind yer Christine on his box) is clarely insinuateing she has something agin the Ulster Scots langwidge. Ah’ll grante ye that yon Christine makes her spach mar inglish fur the UK-wide audiunce and that’s fur a wee bit annoyun, but it’s nat like we’ve given tham Nadine Coyle fur to presant tha yin shaw. As fur her laff what difference is hers fram any of tha byataful, birkie, lilting, banshee wails of tha wamenfolk of Norn Iron?

Ah ken that yon Biddulph is a wee racast. Hoo ye may arsk, dus tha paper deal with yon Inglish Hatler? Awnly give tha hen 10 nates thaim do, so it be. Ah’ll e-screed thaim ye ken and tell tham in plain Ulster Scots tae stap tha rascast tratemant of the Ulster Scot and give me that tanner fur my distress. Yon can fur screed tham at If ah may ah’d say that ye shud screed as ah, murh Norn Irish prasentars are naded awn the tally as rawl madals fur tha wains. Ah’ll grant ye that Besty is tha awnly rawl madal any man naads but hoos about tha wee gals? Ahspecially thaims that are no as pretty as Zoe “Ah’ll try a'thang yince” Salmon!

Awriginawl Article fram Whats on TV July 10 to 17th 2010 edition:



Ah have jist read awn tha BBC that ahm sapposed tae be cureful whan calling someone Hatler. If’n ah have caused ahffance ah can as an Ulster Scot awnly screed get tae %£&* ye boy ye.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Ah hiv got oantil them Mark, we cannae let casual racism like thy'on slide by.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Mark - ah cannae open your link, send the photy til the email address.

Fat Sparrow said...

There's an untapped market here, Billy. Get some mobile code stickers made to slap up on the Gaeilge signs, then when unsuspecting Irish people snap them with their phones, it'll take them to your blog.

ancruiskeenlawnmower said...

Thon bankin carry on wud nivver wurk ye galoot fir aye boady wud hae tha yin pin nummer - 1690. A ken a do.