Friday, 9 July 2010

Pulitzer Prize Winnin' Stuff.

1690 his made the paper again. Admittedly oany the Belfast Telegraf, nat the Newsletter, but til be fair til themuns at the Tele they recognised the naid fur an Ulster Scots perseptive on the Twelfth an' decided fur til approach oorselves fur comment. Yit again they hiv fell intil the "Satirical Character" trap in describin' messel, an' furgat Professor in ma title. Ah wudnae mine tae much, but when Ah gae fur funnin' frae the Europe it's nae help if they think Ah'm jist takin' the pish.

Anyhow the article is here, aulder raiders may recognize much o' it frae last Twelfth, but that disnae matter, fur sure the point o' the Twelfth is thit it's the same every year anyhow.  Twa comments hiv come floodin' in Ah notice, Ah hape we dinnae git intil buther like the last time Ah turned ma hand til this. Ah wud point oot thit the tele asked me til temper ma Ulster Scots language usage fur their raiders, bein', as they are, frae the metropaliton elite.

Ballywalter Bonefire.

Ah hiv accidentally foun' messel oan a research trip up the Ards an' thus taeday driv past the magnificant structure thit is Ballywalter Bonefire. Fur the benefit o' raiders who may nat hiv seen this wonderful erection Ah tuk a couple o' wee snaps, yin o' which kin be sain above. Whilst photographin' Ah alsae discussed bonefire construction wi' the twa small boys thit appeared til be foremen o' the site. They claimed that their wus the best oan the Ards an' that Portavogie's was pish. Ah hiv til agree oan this, fur a driv roun' Portavogie lukkin' fur til get a snap fur comparison an' cudnae fine anythin' even resemblin' a bonefire.

Anyhow Ah pointed oot til the twa wains that their bonefire bore mair than a passin' resemblence til the crenelated glories o' an Elizabethan Tower House, stannin' sentinal o'er the harbour. They jist lukked at me tae be fair, an' wernae interested in ma proposal thit they study fur an HND in Bonefire Erection at South Aist Ards Bible an' Caterin' College. It is a shame thit the complex engineering o' a bonefire is nat better recognised by the Department o' Education folk, or indeed the valuable boon provided til the pallet industry oan an annual basis.


Sophia Pangloss said...

Ye ken Mr Professor ye're richt aboot it luikin like a wee castle. Sae much sae that it maks me want tae rake in me lobby press an get oot ma wee lion rampant flaggie, clamber up aw thae pallets, an wave ma flag like a wee bairn.

Ah hae tae admit tho, ah'm a wee bittie clueless whan it comes tae aw yer traditions anaent the 'twelfth', an mibbe the rampant widnae be the right thing tae be wavin at the bairns. Like as no they wid jist set fire tae it there an then, wi me still wavin an cryin 'hurray' fae the tap o' the mound.

At the verry least tho, it wid mak a happier scene than thon 'Wicker Man' picture, cos ah wid hae oan ma best frock.

Felicity said...

Some readers may be interested to know how to add some Lisburn Road Chic to their 12th proceedings when they're away.

I hope this is of use.

Firstly, is there a Tesco where you’re heading to? Get the 2 beer multipacks for £16 deal. Stand on the road and sell beer for £1 a piece.

Go to the Market the week before you leave Buy a £5 fake Playboy child’s deckchair for your five year old daughter.

Go to Primark. Buy a £1 size 18 orange vest top. Get it printed with ‘Ulster’s Got Talent’. For your re-creation of the parades, give this to an overweight bottle-blonde forty year old, with black roots. Get her to dance outside the closed Starbucks, like she’s a slender twenty year old in the Box nightclub.

For a more upmarket look, guys, get down to your nearest Hollister shop. Buy a blue, red and white shirt. A mix of preppy and parading. Former Methody Girls- get yourselves to the local equivelent of SemiChem and purchase a set of ultra-classy Union Jack printed false nails. Give yourself an extra layer of orange fake tan, to complete the theme of the day.

Hire a bright orange Ford Galaxy. Print ‘Pimp my Party’ on the window. Invest in the the fakest-Italian ice-cream van you can find. Perhaps call it 'Antonio's' but spelled wrongly. Place both vehicles on the lawn of the nearest medical school.

Become familiar with the nearest charity shop. Invest in a pair of bright turquoise polyester trousers. Actually, any turquoise trousers that aren’t from Mothercare with popper openings, if you can find any. Team with a white shirt . Stick an orange feather, that looks like a paddle, to your hat. March. Turn around in a circle. Prime your wife and children to yell ‘More, more!’

Persuade your friends to lean over a fence. Practice, in the broadest Belfast accent, how they will talk ‘A tha community spirt in bringin them all teygedeer fer tha day’. Forget the Irish flags you will have burned the night before. Ignore the fact, also, that your children are currently falling out over rewritting lyrics ‘Heads, shoulders, pick your nose…’

Above all, remind everyone of your birthright to continue in your tradition and heritage with ‘pride and dignity’. When the marching's over, rrive down the road back you’re your hotel- rename it ‘Tates Avenue’- in your Vauxhall convertible. Play music loudly.

Mark said...

‘bout ye, ye boy ye.

Ahm reet fur scunnered by tha twelfth in inglund but. Nawt awnly do ah have ta gae fur entae work with yer ma of a hid, tha windae-lickers in tha caff hav nae Ulster Fry. Nat e’en a sausage roll tae celebraet. The noo ah’d hav nae prablum wi’ thy’on but awn St Andrew’s dae tha caff has yer neeps and tatties, awn st David’s dae prabably have sum daffidals ta ate or sam shite. Worst still, awn St Patrick of Armargh’s dae the windy-lickers fly tha free state flag. Du ye ken? Anyhoo, in tha intrast of furness ah thank ingland shud be forced ento tha same rawl of havan tae have yin dae fur Ulster Scots as well as tham that kack wi tha o’er fut. Thusly as thay fur hav takan tha 17th March fur tha o’er sort than tha Ulster Scot shad demand tha 12th of July tae have at layst a sausage roll if nae an Ulster Fry tae ate. Ah screed ye Professor in tha hape that ye will fur jain ah in baycattin puddun at ma inglish cantain until ah gats my way. That’s what ah cawl a hunger strike!

Worse still fur tha inglish are nae up fur e’en a wee scam fight tha day ye ken. My bass thanks fur Scarva is sum thang ye put round yer knack when its braw cauld.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Sophia - awl Scots things, Rampant Lions the lat, are acceptable aroun' the Twelfth, except Celtic taps obviously. An Hibernian ah wud be fur imaginin'
Felicity - Yer research daes ye proud, Ah am glad til see thit ye hiv taken in the full glories o' a Belfast 12th, tho in ma buik the Newton yin is better.
Mark - Ah'm wi' ye, aside frae oan the flegs issue, fur there's nae shortage o' them here. Sausage rolls is an intrinsic part o' Ulster Scots heritage, an' this shud be recognised by the Inglis. An' tattie bread. Bastards.