Friday, 20 August 2010


Ah'm afraid the hole furore o'er the heid o' the boys sacked fur nat gi'en foreign folk the brew passed me by a wee bit, an' hence Ah missed the latest musings o' yer woman Cooper. Ah didnae git the paper yesterday, instead spendin' the evenin' watchin' the delightful Christine Hamilton oan Celebrity Masterchef. Ah am gi'en serious thought til puttin' teaegither a pilot fur the BBC calt Celebrity Plasteredchef, wherein local famous folk will git full drunk an' try til mix twa different types o' cupasoup fur the laugh. Ah wud quite like til see the faces thy'on twa smug judge fellas as Julian Simmons sets fire til a chip pan an' Pamela Ballantine makes egg in a cup.

Anyhow ma thankins til Daveboy fur highlightin' the story in the comments bit o' the previous post. It wud saim that some woman calt Ann Cooper, who once rose til the dizzy heights o' defeated council by-election candidate fur the TUV, threw her considerable political clout behine the sacked civil servants. Accordin' til the paper she said ""Well done lads. Sorry you got caught. You deserve a medal. We need more like you." Fur some raison this has provoked a torrent o' abuse in her direction, but Ah fur yin think she has a point. Ah wud like fur til take the whole thing further, nat oany shud immigrants types nat get the brew, but a swathe o' welfare reforms shud be introduced forthwith til deal wi' parasites on oor society.

Old Folk: Are nae use whitsoever. Thosuns that arenae mopin' about in small houses complainin' about the caul are clockin' up in hospital costin' us a fortune, all whilst gettin' fat pensions aff the state. They shud all be made til wurk til their 85 an' then put down. An' they shudnae be allowed til drive. Likewise:

Children: Now there are reasonable economic benefits til havin' a future papulation, an' educatin' them til a basic standard, but the whole thing is gettin' ridiculous. Weans are gettin' away wi' hangin' aroun' school til they're 18, half the time oan hallydays. It is reasonable til assume that if they get out at half 3 they can wurk til 6 at the laist. I wud suggest that the recyclin' plants are ideal fur them, fur they are always bangin' on aboot the enviroment.

The disabled: How many times hiv you tried to get intil a bank or similar public buildin' oany til find ye hiv til zig zag up some complicated ramp type structure fur five minutes afore ye reach the door? This is all doon til the disabled demandin' access til places whilst nat considerin' the time wasted by economically active folk windin' their ways til their destinations. These shud all be removed an' the disabled folk can wait outside til somebody sees them.

Athletic People: Folk wha take exercise are a massive burden on society, fur they are always strainin' some part or breakin' some bone. Thus they are aff work or in the hospital a wile lat, an' yet the state provides leisure centres an' the like fur them til hurt themselves in. Furthermair, a non exercise type person like messel contributes immensely til the exchequer through massive alcohol/fags taxes an' then gets slated if ye cough or are are a wee bit hungover in work. Sports equipment like guttees, exercise bikes and the like shud be taxed prohibitively til stap folk injurin' themselves. Eejits.

Country People: As well as the social costs of high levels of inbreeding in parts of Tyrone and North Antrim, country folk place an' undue strain on the enviroment. They may want to live in the country, but all work in towns, thus requirin' roads an' things til get them in. They shud all be made to live in camps on the outskirts of Belfast. Except....

Farmers: When not throwin' dead sheep in watercourses or marryin' their cousins, farmers are complainin' about nat gettin' enough money fur the things they grow or whatever it is they dae. Then ye find thit they're all oan the fiddle fur European subsidies, which amounts til gettin money fur nat growin' things. Dae Ah get any money fur "settin aside" ma garden because Ah cannae be arsed cuttin' the grass? Nat now, but Ah will unner ma welfare reforms an' the Farmers can grow stuff for once, the ballix.

Belfast people: it is nat oor fault that every wall in yer city has a murial, thit yer men are short wi' wee moustaches an' yer teenage girls all wear tae much make up an' have 4 weans. Ah will tax Belfast people based on the nummer of times they say like in a sentence an' put the money into supportin' small market towns where the folk are more civilised. Except Hillsborough, fur they are a bunch o' pricks.


Fat Sparrow said...

Excellent ideas, except for the part on taxing people who say "like" a lot. I recommend an exemption for people who grew up in Southern California, and therefore, like, totally can't help it, dude.

Anonymous said...

Billy, you forgot people from Lurgan and Banbridge! Them uns is scum.

Mark said...

Yon screeding makes full sanse so it does.

Yers have my vowt in any ahlection!

(My culchie cussan fram Antrim puts 'but' awn tha end o' his sentences. I'm fur scannered with it, ye cud tax that twa!)