Monday, 28 March 2011

Election 2012. Constituency Profiles, Strangfurd, Nairth Doon, West Trone an' Aist Belfawst.

The mair palitically astute o' yis will by now hiv realised thit there is yet ano'er election loomin', evidenced by the fak thit electoral crap his started fur til land on oor doorsteps. It is aways a matter o' interest tae me how many "regular" party newsletters oany appear "regularly" aroun' election time, though til be fair we hiv mair elections than a Chinese Viagra salesman sae maybe the parties hiv a point. Hivin' lived in nae fewer than three differn constituencies in racent times, Ah am alsae interested tae note that parties oany send oot these newlsetters in areas where they reckon their surt is in the majority. Thus when livin' amung the o'er surt, Ah gat Nationalist information, an' vice versa. Clearly the parties hiv gie up oan tryin' tae persuade the o'er community til come roun' til their way o' thinkin', preferrin' insteid til sleg aff the o'er party frae their ain surt.

Anyway, as pramised the o'er day, ma election coverage will frae the now start in earnets, an' Ah hiv noticed thit prapur palitical wabsites tend fur til dae a wee summary o' the differn' constituencies fur til better inform their raidership. Ah shall dae likewise, an' if Ah start now, wi' any luck Ah'll get the hole lat done before the election itself. Thus taeday we begin wi....


Nae better place til start. Until racently helt by the delectible an' sadly missed Mrs Rabinson, Strangfurd is noo represented in Westminister by the equally attractive Big Jim Shannon. Accordin' til the 2000 an' 1 census, Strangfurd has a papulation o' about 98,000, wi' oany 15% the o'er surt, an' 68% Staunch, Loyal, Ulster Pratestants. The rest dinnae gie a shite or are some foreign religion or o'er sae dinnae count. Such figures make it a fertile stampin' groun' fur the DUP, who successfully gat 4 o' the 6 saits in the last Arseembly election, wi' the Ulster Unionists gittin' just the yin. The o'er surt in these parts saim til vote fur the Alliance who alsae gat yin sait.  This is a guid thing, fur they are a superior surt o' o'er surt til the Shinners an' the SDLP. Wi' a strang Ulster Scots community, mainly based in large cities like Ballyhalbert an' Cloughey, we here at 1690 perdict No Change in the 2011 election.

West Trone.

Chalk an' cheese ye micht say. Here the o'er surt are in the predominance, wi' 68% o' the papulation mainin' that Pat Doherty o the Shinners is the MP, though naebudy ever sees him in betwain elections, an' he is quite scary when ye dae see him. West Trone is famous fur bein hame til whit his been officially described as Ulster's shitest toon, Strabane, though Ah fur yin quite like it, especially when compared til Larne, Lurgan an' Craigavon. Maist folk in the area are employed in the agriculture, retail an' black economies, wi' a strang preponderance o' yins daein' the double whilst wurkin' in Donegal. At the last election the Shinners gat 3 saits, wi' the DUP managin' a creditable 2, despite at laist yin o' the their MLAs clearly bein' a special naids case. Everybudy must be sick o' independent Kieran Deeny by now, wi' his single issue Haspital business finished wi', sae we perdict an SDLP gain frae Independents wi the o'er saits remainin' as is.

Nairth Doon.

Undoubtedly the maist middle class o' oor consituencies, wi maist o' its papulation o' 86,000 employed in the Wine Tastin' an' "Bespoke Weddin' Invitations whilst hubby works in banking" sectors. A staggerin' 82% o' the folk are pratestant, though maist o' them arnae prapur Staunch,  Loyal, Ulster Pratestants, a choice sadly lackin' oan the census forms Ah note. They alsae hiv the highest percentage o' "Nae Religion" folk, as they "don't really doooo religion, it is so last season. In fact some of our best friends are Catholics, though we don't invite them round often in case they try to steal the children." Nairth Doon is notoriously hard til perdict fur palitical pundits like messel, as they are fur ever electin' wishy washy odd folk who dinnae sound like they come frae here, or Rab McCartney. Currently represented by mad haired Lady Sylvia, they turned in twa DUP, twa UCUNFS, an Alliance an' a Green (Jaysus!) last time roun'. Wi' Alan McFarland havin' since goan independent as he quite likes Lady S, we perdict that he will stail the Green sait, as naebudy really gies a shite about trees when the economy is bucked. "The bottom has fallen out of my corsage business Hilary, I might soon have to go to Tesco rather than Marksies."

Aist Belfawst.

This sait gie us the biggest shack o' the Westminister election, wi' Naomi oustin' Pater in a close focht battle. Aist Belfawst has the lowest papulation in Norn Iron, but alsae the lowest percentage o' the o'er surt, makin' an Alliance victory all the mair surprisin'. Ah put this doon the the fact thit maist men in Aist Belfawst are lazy, work shy gits who were in the pub whilst the votin' was oan, strokin' their greyhouns an' shitty wee moustaches, whilst their big women folk all went oot an' voted in Naomi. Since bein' unsaited, Pater has attempted fur til curry favour wi' the locals by helpin' til save Glentoran Fitba Club, sadly furgettin' that the men will still be in the pub an' he'd be better aff offerin' money aff vouchers fur Gin. Last time roun' the DUPers won 3 o' the 6 saits, wi the Alliance, UCUNF an' Wee Dawn sharin' the o'er 3. Wi'oot Naomi stannin' it is hard tae see much change here, the Aist Belfaswt wimmin will rally behine Wee Dawn, mainin' nae change in this constituency.

Nixt time, shortly Ah hape, a rake mair saits.


belfast cabby said...

"men in Aist Belfawst are lazy, work shy gits who were in the pub whilst the votin' was oan, strokin' their greyhouns an' shitty wee moustaches"

I will kick ur arse i dont have a shitty wee moustache!!!

I have a full manly beard

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Unfortunately it is the jab o' palitical pundits like messel til make sweepin' generalisations based on personal prejudices an'wine. Obviously there are some men in Aist Belfawst who dinnae conform til this stereotype, but Ah'm sure you've met a rake o' them who dae.

Anonymous said...

A hae just seen the DUPer eleckshion broadcast, and they hae a cupple that seem for til get up at 3 minnits past eicht in the evnin. But the wumman is prancin roun in her bra!!!!what iver next?