Tuesday, 26 April 2011

Dissident Ulster Scots threat level raised.

Paliticians an' security experts were last night digestin' the statement issued oan behalf o' the Nine County Saverignty Committee at the 95th Annual Easter Egg Hunt in Poyntzpass. The self styled "Real Ulster Scots Agency" split aff from the mainstream organisation in protest at their acceptance o' peaceful means in the quest to reunify Ulster, bringin' the occupied 3 counties back unner the crown. Like their dissident Repubican counterparts, the Real USA is mainly composed o' inbred rural types, the surt o' folk who lean against walls starin' at ye when ye drive past, use a tractor tae go shappin' an' get their haircut by their sister. Anyway, whilst in no way condonin' their views, Ah publish their statement below.

Statement on behalf o' the Nine County Saverignty Committee.

We the Army Council o' the Nine County Saverignty Committee, call fur the immediete withdrawal o' Free State troops frae the occupied counties o' Danegal, Managhan, an' Cavan. Fur tae long the folk o' these counties hiv bin mauled by the so-called Celtic Tiger, forced fur til buy bainne insteid o' milk, get stuck in traffic when themuns go til church, an' go to the swings on a Sunday. We reject the demands o' constitutional unionists, the pratestant churches an' the Orange Order demandin' that we fally exclusively peaceful means, an' are lukkin' intil gettin' a gun. Wullie Jameson reckons he has a few auld ones stuck somewhere in his rafters an' he'll loan us them fur a bit..

Ulster Scots livin' in the three counties who turn traiter til the cause, by atin' the wrang surt o' Tayto, drivin' Opels instied o' Vauxhalls oor buyin the Irish editions o' the papers, will be regarded as legitimate targets. It is fur us til decide where the border shud be, based oan a romantic 19th century view o' nationhood, nat the democratic process, so yousuns can all get til feck. 

We alsae reject the Queen's visit til the Free State, fur she has nae business goin' there. She is oor Queen. an' she'd be better aff goin' til the Twelfth.

God Save the Queen.

The Nine County Saverignty Committee. 

There ye hiv it. Ah attempted fur til get a statement frae a source close to the security forces, but a dinnae know their nummer. 


Anonymous said...

Dear Professor McWIlliams

I think you are missin the core cause of the dissent.

Feelin peckish the other day I nipped into my local store tae buy a Veda loaf. To my horror they only had that sliced Veda fra Irwins.

Now I was in a dilema. It beun 11 o'cock on the night time and naewhere else open I had no choice but to try it. The alternative would have been to hae a gae at them American muffin things and what with mae condition at the time I dinae feel up to that foreign muck.

On takin the Veda home and examinin it I dont mind tellin you I was fair scunnered. 'Thick sliced it said on the wrapper, Thick sliced my arse.

Due to an unfortunate set of circumstanaces of a temporary nature involving a contratemps between me and the Department iof Social Development, NIHE and the favourite in the Grand National I am currently residin under a tarpaulin in a sheugh on the Ballymoney line in Ballymena. It's not much but it is mine and thay picture of the happy Royal Couple I have attached to the underside of the canvas fair brightens the place up with the Radiance of oor future Queen, even if it does peel off when it rains

In any case, on gettin home I stirred up the fire and set to toastin the Veda. I have to say it wasna easy nor very satisfactory. Those wee slices fair fell off the pitchfork at the first sign of heat. Abave all on the taste test it was shite. There was none of reel Veda's unctous smoothness and gooiness. I was fair disgusted and barely slept a wink.

Next morning I went back to the shap and camplained. Unfortunteley this led to the arrival of the PSNI
and my incarceration in the cells for 4 hours.

It is incidents like this that is driving the Pratestant people to extremes.


Willie Bradley

PS Havin been radicalised by my experience and the £60 fine, I think this is a field that needs detailed research. What I hae in mind is an in depth sociological study of the Veda loaf in different cultures. This would invalve a major international research project to compare Veda consumption, slicing techniques and the incidence of terrorism in a range of countries internationally. As I am now an ex political prisoner would I be eligible fur a grant fur this?

Wullie Brown

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Jaysus Willie, thon is a quare auld rant, yin which appears til hiv made ye furget yer name taewards the end.

Ma advise til yersel, when stuck fur an unsliced veda, is buy a few o' them wee pancakes an' slake the butter on.

Regardin' a grant, Ye cud see if any o' the major bread manufactures affer a bustery or the like. Dinnae try Irwins, they wud stale all yer ideas an' let oan they were their ain.

Anonymous said...

Awww dont turture me over that name thing.

I have a split personality due to unfortunate circumstances involving me muther, twa boys from Ballymoney and several pints of Guinness in the field at Rasharkin on the 12th of July 1957.

She knew it was a Wullie what done the deed but she cudna recall which and despite years of legal action we are no further furward