Friday, 6 May 2011

Election 2011 - Live.

Unrivaled Election Coverage™ frae oor Ulster Scots media centre, near Lenaderg.

16.13: Have bin til the shaps. Stella is on affer in Tesco, so Ah might be rubbered later on. Yis hiv bin warned.

16.15: Brakin' News - BBC say Feck all likely til happen fur a while, so Ah micht clean the bathroom. Small farmer type man in West Tyrone reckons thit the DUPers will get twa saits.

16.25: Donna Traynor lukkin' hat in a wee blue number. She is talkin' til two glypes oan laptaps, Ah cud hiv done thon fur them.

16.30: Thon wee cuddy in the Belfast count is a bit o' a fax. Naebudy is countin' anythin'.

16.45: Very, very bored. Tam Elliot says "done" when he shud hiv said "did". Even wee Billy has mastered thon. Have made a swingameter, nat sure how til make it wurk yit, Ah'll see later on.

16.50: Yvette Shapiro interviews Ian Paisley Jr. Beauty an' the Baste.

17.00: Brakin' News - Lovely Lesley on the BBC....... Jays Ah hape she gets in, Ah fancy bein' a kept man. Now Sammy is on, lukkin' a bit red in the face, surprisinly

17.30: Decided fur til hiv somethin' til ate. Nearly 6 o'clack, micht hiv a wee beer then. Wee Margaret is on now, she becomes mair like a Thunderbird puppet by the day.

17.56. Bored beyon' belief now, micht watch the Simpsons for a bit.

18.43: Beer two. Nae results in, if Ah was on TV now Ah'd interview a fat palitician about how there are nae results in. Swingameter is rusted up.

19.00: The normally erect swingameter has goan limp. Rugby on the red button.

19.03: Brakin News: Someone has bin elected whilst Ah was tryin' til get the Rugby on.

19.05. Conor Murphy taps the pole in Newry an' Armagh, despite bein' unable til fix a burst pipe. Danny Kennedy reaps the benefit o' ma endorsement earlier in the week, an' some o'er boy alsae gets in.

19.15: Davy Vance gets feck all votes in Upper Bann. A sad day fur yin o' Ulster palitics true gentlemen.

19.20: Rugby workin' now on the Red Button. Ulster 8 nathin up.

19.34: Eamonn McCann on BBC, he really is a very odd man.

19.37: Jimmy Spratt could ate nathin' but fat, he might hiv ate his wife. He is oan by the way, an' Ah hate him

19.50: Aist Londonderry - not lukkin guid for ma Lesley. She is still a winner in ma eyes. Sigh.

20.00: Gregory Campbell an' Noel Thompson are goantae come til blows.

20.05: Basil's hair and Edwin's ears are returned in Leggen Valley.

20.18: 5.8% of the folk in South Down voted UKIP. Mentalists. Ah had furgat how strong Stella is by the way. Might need a lie doon in a wee bit.

20.20: Wee.... Margaret...... Ritchie (gesticulates) has.... been...... returned...... (makes point using hands)

20.32: Brakin News: They cannae count in Foyle an' Londonderry. Ah blame Martina Anderson. Fur most things.

20.40: Arlene is rippin' about the election takin' ages. It micht be quicker if themuns in Fermanagh didn't try an' fiddle it all the time. Anyway, the oany folk who are cross are folk aff the news. Incidentally someone just phoned me lukkin for Colin, if yer name is Colin, let me know an' Ah'll send ye the number.

20.47: If the UUP don't sort themselves out Ah'll hiv til stan messel.

20.53: Jeffrey Donaldson has a remarkably small mouth. He must purse his lips a lot whilst perusing the fillums oan hotel televisions.

20.56: Coverage suspended, Million Poun Drap is oan Four.

22.20: Brakin News: My Lesley is out - Shame on yis Aist Londonderry, Shame on yis. Yiv gat Gregory Campbell, Ah hope yis are plaised wi' yersels. Ah hid bin savin' this picture fur wee Sammy gettin' elected, but this is whit Ah think o' yis. Bunch o' ring pipes, the lat o' yis.

22.21: Conveniently ma picture o' a horses arse allows me til tell ye thit Mervyn Storey his bin elected.

22.43: And still there for Peter Robinson. Jaysus Ah am rippin about ma Lesley.

23.01: Pat Doherty is in, so he is oan his way back til Donegal in his motor, an' so is Marty. God this is depressin'. AND Sammy Wilson.....

23.15: We are now intil the fightin' wi' eacho'er bit o' the election coverage. Everybudy has furgat how til count, tables are collapsin, hair dryers are blowin', Barry McElduff is makin' up an entire new language.

23.50: Suspending coverage, with a broken heart. And inflamed liver.


17.07: Tae hungover til commentate til now. Never buying Stella again, even if it is on affer. Tam Elliot has just made an arse o' himself in Fermanagh, Ah assume he his bin elected, and passibly drinkin'.

17.26: Gentleman Jim Alister is in  fur Nairth Antrim, lookin' cross there. Ah am wild good at predictin' these things, aside frae Lesley.

17.50: Yvette Shapiro hits somebody aff camera wi' her microphone. Jim Allister is shoutin' an' pointin' at folk behine her.

18.32: Nathin happenin' fur a bit, Tam Elliot losin' the bap has bin the highlight, alang wi' Jim scowlin'. He has perfected a Johnny Rattenesque sneer, perhaps indicatin' a career in punk rack when he retires frae palitics.

19.39. Brakin News: Big Ross is elected in West Trone. Ah hiv a picture of him wearin' amusinly short sacks somewhere, will luk it out.

19.45. Foun it. Ross is on the left. Saims til me he shud win twa saits, he will naid a special one built fur him up in Stormount. Lesley is in the middle. Fools the lat o' yis. That is the last time Ah visit Limavady.

19.47: Brakin News: Shinners bate wee Rodney McCune in Aist Antrim. He has quite impressive hair as well. This has bin a worryin' election fur those wi' an interest in paliticians hair. Oany Basil an' Alban hiv helt up the unusual hair standard. Mike Nesbitt disnae saim til even wash his.

20.00: Edwin Poots an' Jim Wells are likin' rude things on FB again. Must be a virus.

20.40: Still nathin happenin' "Britain's Gat Talent" still has had nae lambegs oan.

20.45: So farewell til wee Dawn. Aist Belfast does very odd things indaid.

20.55: Sandra is in then. Ah quite like her. Britain's gat talent has a French on it. Surely this is missin' the point?

21.32: Leslie Cree is elected in Nairth Down. Ah dinnae ken whether thon is a boy Leslie or a girl Leslie, but it is the wrang Lesley.

21.45: A green boy elected in Nairth Down. Tae many green folk in there already. Ah think that is important in terms o' ministers in the executive, but dinnae ken why

21.50: Runner up in ma Foxiness competition, Michelle O'Neill, is in somewhere. Ah think that is it over?

21.52: It is over, thank feck. Ah'll analise the results at some point or other, but we'll leave it at that. Night viewer.


Anonymous said...

Cannae get over ye callin us glypes, I'm a wile fan a this blog ye gulpin!

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Ah'm just jealous that Ah amnae oan. Though Ah micht hiv cried when Lesley was putt oot.

Anonymous said...

In furness, with her bin all disappointed an thawn now'd be tha best time tae ask fur Lesley's hand.

Cynic said...

An the subject o'weemin paliticans legs, in anaither post here you hae a picture of yon Arlene wan.

Nae forgive me fur suggestin it but it daes seem to me that since she went to Stormont she's became whit we might call a bit broad in the beam. Either that or thon phatagrapher used the wrang lens.

I knae that these paliticians hae tae weather the winds of palitical adversity so that may be the reason. In any case she's still a hair luking heifer