Saturday, 16 July 2011

Ulster Scots Olympiad

As yis will be aware, fur they niver gie o'er aboot it, the Inglis hiv the Olympic Games next year. Ah hiv til admit Ah missed a trick on thy'on, fur Ah shud hiv stuck in a bid messel. It wud hiv done the Ards economy nae end o' guid til hiv folk runnin fast round Kirkistown race track.

It has alsae nat escaped ma attention thit despite the fact it is the Great Britain an' NORN IRON Olympic team, none o' the events are bein' helt here, meanin' thit yer average Ulster Scot will hiv til travel til that Ingland til luk at Tie Quan Doh or whitiver. This Ah hope fur til rectify by puttin' taegither an Olympiad fur the Ulster Scot, featurin' all the tap sports o' the Hamely Folk. In turn it will provide a welcome boost til the tourism industry, fur Ah will invite teams frae the Ulster Scots diaspora til take part, makin' it a truly international event.

The Ulster team will wear the ootfit designed by Daveboy durin' oor high level discussions in the hoke oot thing on the side o' this page. Men will therefore wear dealer boots, an aff-white vest, janes wi' a wile baggy arse, a body-warmer an a sash. Weemen will wear the same but wi' flouncy dresses til below the knee an' American Tan Tights insteid o' janes. A flaming petrol bomb will be carried across Ulster afore being hurled intil an oil drum on tap o' a fleg pole til launch the event, tae the accompaniment o' a rake o' Lambegs. Fallyin' this openin' ceremony we will be trated til an extravagent display o' sportin' prowess, wi' venues across the pravince playin' host til a wide variety of sports.

Yin: Dippin'.

Whereas foreign surts swim, Ulster Scots prefer til gae fur a Dip. This consists o' wadin' oot o'er the seaweedy bits o' Portrush or Ballywalter strand, an then walkin' slowly aboot whilst shiverin'. Dippin' will be helt o'er a variety o distances an depths, wi' an elite category calt the dingy tow, where ye wade aboot wi a load o' cold weans in a rubber boat behine ye.

Twa: The Bouncy Castle.

The Bouncy Castle is now an intrinsic part o' Ulster Scots culture. If ye are havin' a march, contentious or o'erwise, addin' a bouncy castle turns it intil a family fun day, thus eligible fur grant funnin'. Participants will bounce aboot in it, wi' marks giv fur nat fallin' aff or bangin yer heid aff ano'er competitor. Again an' elite category o' Pished Bouncy Castle will be included fur the expert.

Thrie: Hokin'

Helt in a big barn outside Ballynabragget, competitors will be give a series o' things til hoke fur in bran tubs. Fastest hoker wins obviously, but there will the appertunity to gain points by stylish hokin'. Incidentally Ah hid occasion til drive through Ballynabragget the o'er day an Ah saw a man that lukked wile like Melvyn Bragg aff the TV. Ah didnae take a photy though, fur thy'on wud hiv bin rude.

Fower: Gettin Red Up.

This will fally the hokin, as the latter is likely til lave a wile mess. Thus ladies will be required til get the place red up wile quick.

Five: Sangwich Makin'

Another Ladies only event. Weemen will make a variety o' sangwiches wile fast fur menfolk til ate in a tea tent after a parade. The sangwich varieties will be limited til Ulster Scots staples - Egg an' Onion, Ham, Cheese an' Ham, must be cut into triangles (fur that is pash) an' placed on yin o' them wee skinny trays that ladies have for such a purpose.

Sax: The Nat Madurn Pentathalon

As alsae discussed wi' Daveboy, this will combine tap Ulster Scots Activities intil a single sport. Participants will be expected til master haulin' yokes, lashin' stanes, diggin' sheughs, atin' sodas an' drinkin tay. This event will take place in a big mucky field ootside Dromara when it is clean pishin'.

Seven: Speed Danderin'

Much the same as the o'er folk Olympics "Speed Walkin'" only slower, wi' staps fur a natter wi' o'er competitors an' til luk o'er gates at sheep.

Ate: Barneyin'

This will replace baxin', an will involve havin' a quare barney wi' yer opponent whilst wearin' protective headgear. Winners will be decided by an expert judgin' panel or by a knackoot. an weight divisions will range Bantyweight through til Heiferweight.

Nine: Rakin'

Motor sports are generally excluded frae the Olympics, but nat the Ulster Scots yins. As well as Motorcycle road racin' roun' Tandragee, Kirkistown Race Track will play host til a rakin' competition. Young cubs wi' their sates tae far back in their motors will rake round the track at a quare lick, while playin' loud shite music. They will then drive til a petrol station an' talk til eacho'er through open windaes, before bein' taul aff by the RUC/PSNI fur havin' illegal nummerplates.

Ten: Pole Dancin' 

Nat really a sport, but then again neither is syncronised swimmin or beach vally ball an' Ah fancy judgin' it.

O'er matters. 

The pole bust on the last post, sorry about that, but it luks like Shite Ship is goantae win, barrin' a late surge frae Christine Bleakley, coincidentally somethin' Ah think on aften.


Unknown said...

I'm so excited! Ballywalter hosting the Olympics! I'm selling tickets for a front row seat on my parents' patio (bring binoculars and a warm coat; my mother will likely make tea).

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

It is wile excitin. Ah'm fur hapin' that yis can alsae host the tennis down them coorts an' yis will extend the toilet black specially.

Unknown said...

We'll do our best to chase the weans off the tennis courts, yes. Not sure about the toilet block; there's only so much room before you'd have to be getting rid of the playground or the kilns, but maybe we could go multistorey or something.

Cynic said...

Aye. Bukldin ain of yon multi stoory thangs or'er the centre a Ballywalter wiud be an ideal solution and heilp the nambers o' torrists. It wuid fair improve the luk o'thon hole and provide shelter on days when it was pashin down ie maist of the July and August

Daveboy said...

Dear Professor Billy,

Ah'm pretty sure yer on til somethin' wile big here Billy. Ye hae definitely captured the Olympic spirit an' Ah think yer vision is closely modelled on how the Ancient Greeks themsells wud hae done it, albeit wie an overlay o' drinkin' tae an' not excessively exertin' yersell.

It's an ideal time til be launchin' tae, wie the apportunity fer til ride the crest o' the wave o' thon big lump of a fella winning the blatterin' the wee white ball around competition thonder in England.

Incidentally, hae ye thought aboot ticketin'? I'd be happy til oversee the ticketin' scandal, sorry sales, if that wud help. Ah'm thinkin' that we could base it on what they did for the shadow event in London thonder, ie take a wile rake o' money frae folk, lie low fer a while til create suspense, an' then gie them wile disappointin' news.

Yours sincerely,


Inglisman said...

Whit is haulin' yokes?

A consultit the respectit DSL fer "yoke".

Is it ploughin o yer fields?

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

A yoke is a variety o' things Inglis boy, as Ah explained at yin time or o'er it can be
a) A farm o' motorised transportation
e.g. Ah happed intil ma yoke an'went til the shaps. However mair correctly a motor is a car, an' a yoke any o'er farm o' transportation.
b) A cuddy: Ah wudnae mind a wee coort wi' thon wee yoke.
c) A tool: Gies thon yoke an' Ah'll hit it a clatter.
d) Anythin' mechanical.

Fur Olmypiad purposes Ah reckon wee cuddies wud be the best crack really.

Cynic said...

Those sanwiches dinae look like Good Pratestat sandwiches. They are wile too generous in the fillin and that smoke salmon is reminiscent o Catherlick idolatory

Praper Pratestat sanwhiches shud be similar tae those pepared at the Lordge where parsimony is the order o'the day. The apporved fillins are egg, egg and onion and egg and spring onion. In winter cheese mae be added tae fortify them against the coul weather. The bread should be good Pratestant sliced white passed thra the magle a couple o' times tae tenderise it