"Luk at the shape o' us" say Orange Order Heid Yins.

TWATS

From the BBC Larne Newsdesk.

In a move designed fur til make their organisation a more popular, modern and attractive organisation, Orange Order leaders have announced that they are going to make giant sized arses of themselves on an intermittent basis. A spokesman from the Institution's newly formed "Look at us, look at us, we are a bunch of ringpieces" department, outlined the proposals. 

• Orangemen, particularly from the Sandy Row district, will replace the traditional bowler hat with a Victorian dunce cap. "The Dunce Cap was invented in Victorian times," said the LAULAUWAABOR spokesman, "And Queen Victoria was one of our greatest Queens. Thus we are showing our loyalty to the crown as well as our left field sense of humour."
• Additionally members will be encouraged to write ""wanker", "kick me", "twat" and "I like boys" on post it notes and stick it to each other's backs when on parade. The spokesman claimed that this would reflect the order's religious background and interest in history, in some way or other. 
• Prominent members, especially those in senior positions of the UUP, who stand near Catholics, look at them in any way, perhaps speak to one or buy something in a shop owned by one, will be ritually stoned to death at a new site near Ballymena. 
• Members of the DUP who do likewise will be ignored. 
• The traditional image of King Billy at the Boyne which bedecks so many banners will be replaced with a giant picture of a horse's arse. "It will be a protestant horse", said the spokesman, "and thus a protestant arse."
• "It would not be a catholic arse, no chance of that." He continued when pressed on the matter. 
• In future when complaints about members are made by one lodge or other, and it is the first item on the news, Orange Spokesmen will appear on that news item saying that the Institution's complaints procedure is a private matter which no one ever hears anything about because they are so good at being a secret organisation and never wash their dirty linen in public. It is to be hoped that the news folk will not point out that they are saying this on the news, for feck's sake, and that they are a bunch of tools. 

It is thought that further developments are likely. The Twelfth will move to April Fool's Day, Bands will be forced to play the theme tune to Fraggle Rock and a giant penis will be carried at the head of the procession by some old men dressed only in orange loin clothes. In making these changes the Order hopes that it will make Unionism, and the Unionist population generally, more respected around the world. 

Did you ever hear the like of it? Bunch of eejits.