Ulster Unionist Laidership Bid

Ah hiv giv it much thought, an' listened til the advice o' frens, luved yins, an' party colleagues, an' hiv decided fur til launch ma ring intil the hat in a bid til become the next laider o' the Ulster Conservative an' Unionist an' nat Conservative Anymair Unionist Party.

It is nat a decision Ah hiv tuk lightly. After ma rejection the last time roun' Ah giv serious consideration til withdrawin frae Palitics completely, but feel that Ulster has reached a position o' real crisis, an' that real laidership is required.

Thus Ah hiv observed the thinkin' o' the twa candidates fur the Unionist leadership, namely James Nesbitt an' John McCallister, an' hiv decided that neither man is the richt yin fur the jab. Rather it will take someone wi' a rare qualities til lead the party intil the 20th Century, a man wi' rare vision.

Ah believe that Ah am that rare lukkin' man. Ah will make the Party luk forward, nat back, upwards, nat doon, sideways, nat the o'er sideways. Ah will build a party that represents both these folk an' the o'er folk, the animals an' the vegetables, the fish an' the fowl. Ah will unite the broad Ulster Scots community behine a vision so rare thit yid be lucky til see it in a zoo. Ah will reinvigorate the economy an' Ah will make Ulster grate again.

An Ah will dae it using the twa gratest things Ulster his iver produced - A big sinkin' ship thing, an' Golf.

Yin - Hiv a big Pro Am Celebrity Titanic Themed Golf Event at Royal Portrush in County Down.

Twa - Organise a Golf themed Titanic event in Strangford Lough wi' mair Pros an' Ams an' Celebrities an' make folk like it.

Thrie - Mention Golf an' the Titanic in Stormount every day in order til make the health service an' education system better.

Fower - Build a four times actual sized replica o' the Titanic in Lough Neagh wi' a big Golf course on it.

Five - Build a giant statue o' Rory McIlroy, Darren Clarke an' Graeme McDowall sae that folk can travel frae far an' wide til worship at the feet o' the Holy Trinity that will save the Ulster Economy.

Thus we will hiv carved oot a unique niche fur oorselves internationally, an' will hiv established the only national economy based oan the twin pillars o' golf an' a shite ship frae the Edwardian period. International business folk will rush til invest here, bein' sae distracted by golf that they'll furget they're in Lurgan.

Vote fur me UUP folk, ye ken it makes as much sense as the o'er twa.