online@tesco.co.uk 

Dear Tesco

I was in one of your big shops today (the one in Banbridge) getting beer and the like and noticed that you still have a fair stock of thon Fifty Shades of Grey books. I had a wee read for a while, and admit they're not bad in places. A wee bit too much of the old bondage for my liking, but there's no accounting for taste. 

Anyway, that's not the point. You had thon book, and a rake of similar books called things like Her Deepest Desires or Her Secret Lady Garden or whatever, but they were all what I would loosely call "Lady Porn". This left me unfulfilled so I thought I'd go to your magazine section and get some proper old fashioned porn, Razzle or Asian Babes or Fat and Forty or whatever, only to find that you have NO man porn, aside from Nuts and Zoo. Thesuns aren't really proper porn, and wouldn't do the job, so to speak.

I would like to know why you have adopted this sexist attitude to porn, and consider it OK to sell books where women get the bejaysus whipped aff them by a pervert, but don't sell stuff where men can look at women and think how pretty they look and the like. I checked the European Convention of Human Rights, and it supports my position, so I expect to see your magazine section suitably replete with filth within the next few weeks.

Love 
Professor Billy McWilliams. 
xo

PS When I say "Man Porn" I don't mean porn for the Gays. You can have that too if you want, but make sure it's labelled right for I looked at some by accident one time and near boked.