Saturday, 18 July 2009

Fake Tan

Taeday Mrs McWilliams visited a fake tannin' place. This is an uncommen occurence, fur Mrs McWilliams usually cannae be arsed wi' that kindae carry on. Nivertheless her skin noo carries the lustre o' Ghandi after a hallyday an' ah dinnae knaw whar til luk. Thar are sum oot thar wha wid proclaim thit an "all over tan" is an abomination aginst the Laird, an' thit a tan shud oany be frae the elbows doon an' the neck up , but ah'm nat yin o' them. Howiver ah hiv til say thit if wimmin want "all over tans" they shud cut the grass in the nip, nat pay guid money fur it. Thy'ons whit ah dae.

Mair til the point hersel described the fake tannin' process til me, an' ah reckon ah've hit oan a new joab. Thar are twa ways o' doin' it.

Yin. Sum girl sprays ye frae heid til toe oot o' a fake tan gun. Ah've sprayed weeds, fences, cattle an' sheep, an' reckon ah cud be the mawn fur that. Apparently the weemen are near as guid as nakd when it's gittin' dun. Jaipers.

Twa. Ye dinnae jist spray them, ye rub it oan. In the name o' the Laird, whit kindae joab is thy'on? Ah kin rub wi' the best o' them (this is his wife speaking. I just came in to ask him to make me an espresso and found him licking his lips. I'm quite sure that all of the above is illegal. p.s i've never written on this site before and i don't intend to again. Thanks, H.)

Ignore thy'on interjection, I dinnae even knaw whit an' 'espressio' is, unless its sum kindae fancy tae.

Back tae fake tan. Sae ah've wurked oot thit the best joab in the wurld is dain' the fake tan fur weemin. Ma previous best joab wis bein' the bra measurin' up person in Marks an' Sparks, but it saims wi' the fake tannin' industry ye git "hawns oan" sae tae spake. Howiver ah am nathin' if nat a realist. If ah git doon tae "Ballyclare Brown Babes" they arnae goantae giv me a joab, fur ah'm a mawn. But, an' its a big but, if ah git messel tae the tech' fur a coorse, they kin hardly turn me doon. Ah'll git tae practise rubbin' stuff in, an' micht even git a City an' Guilds oot o' it. Jaipers wudn't it be guid if Iris Robinson turned up tae help oot the students...........

Yince ah git ma diploma an' open 'Orange fur Ulster' ah will introduce a new chargin' policy. Due tae the fak that Mrs McWilliams is richt an' wee, she barely uses up haff a tube o' the tannin' stuff, an yit she pays the same as a fat lass. Thar is manies a big brown lukkin' hen oot thar, an ah reckon ye shud pay by the poun'. Nat that ah'd be the mawn rubbin' it in, ah wud employ an underling fur the big gurls, an' save messel fur Strangford MPs.


Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Ah noo knaw whit espressio is. It cums in a wile wee cup, takes ages tae make, an' completely messes up yer wurk taps. Then the wife drinks but a drap o' it. Fur it is ratten, an' foreign, unlike tae.

Fat Sparrow said...

There are definitely worse jobs to have in a salon, e.g., Brazilians, upper lip waxing, eyebrow threading, etc.

I had no idea that Norn Iron was so cultured. Here I was all set to go au naturel and hairy... I suppose I'll have to keep my razor and salon appointments after all.

Anonymous said...

In Lorgan, "Dervla´s Darkie Den" down Edward Street wull giv ye a full fake tan fer less than a 10 glass o´Bucky. S´allrite if ye doan mine axle grease perfumed with Lidl own brand fairy liquid all over yer bady. Or feg ash. Ah tried it wance an ah came oot lukin like Bishop Desmond Tootoo. Ivrybady thought ah hid bin in Portrush fir tha weekend. Result.