Thursday, 16 September 2010

Crisis of Culture.

Havin' nat posted fur ages, Ah am fur daein' ano'er yin taeday. As warned in yesterdays papal pontificatin' a mair insidious threat tae the civil an' religious liberties o' oor land is loomin'. A blow has bin struck til the very core o' all that is good in oor wee land. The French hiv their wine, the Parmans their Ham, the Cheddars their cheese. We hiv oor breads, an' the king o' the breads is undoubtedly Veda.

Fur many years the great bakeries o' Ulster - Irwin's, Ormo an' the Sunblest boys, hiv turned out loaf after loaf o' delicious malty goodness, unsullied by the bread slicer. The purchaser is left to render his slices accordin' til taste, or the hole in his toaster, but nae more, fur Irwins hiv sliced the Veda. They hiv taken the holy loaf an' rent it asunder, intil futery wee dry slices, uniform to the eye, the loaf unsqueezed.

"Sae whit?" Ah hear yis ask, "sure ye kin still buy unsliced Veda frae other bakeries." Thit may be sae, but Irwins' his ano'er tool up their sleeve, as kin be seen frae this photy, they are deliberately undercuttin' the traditional solid loaf makers in terms of price. This is a blatant attempt at market manipulation, worthy o' Red China. They hiv flooded the market with shoddy, non traditional Veda, gien' the hard pressed house wife a difficult choice in these straitened times. She may lift the loaf an' bring it hame til her man, congratulatin' herself on savin' a wheen o' pence, but in turn leavin' prapur loafs languishin' on the shelf.

"Sae whit?" Ah hear yis say agin "We are in a recession, it is fur the housewife til spend her allowance as she sees fit. She his made a savin', an' we shud congratulate her." Aye, says me, except fur it is a false economy. Her veda will soon stale, its sliced nature allowin the air til circulate throughout. Nat fur her the option o' cuttin aff the hard end, an' thus a half ate loaf will fine its way intil the bin. Howiver in her scatterbrained womanly fashion, she will make the same error on returnin' til the Spar, seduced by price. Meanwhile, sales o' prapur traditional veda will stall, an' the big guns o' the supermarket wurld will pare back their orders, forcin' it aff the shelfs.

Whar will we be then? A staple o' the Ulster kitchen lost fur ever, a monopoly allowin' Irwins til force the price o' this bakin' travesty higher and higher. Oor culture weakened an' oor sangwiches stale. Ah therefore call on all richt thinkin' citizens o' Ulster til boycott this bastardization o' bread. Rally roun' the fleg o' the solid loaf. Join with us in oor Facebuk Campaign an' make yer mark for God an' Veda.


Mark said...

We shall fecht thaim awn tha beaches, we shall fecht in tha felds an tha strates, we shall never surrender!

Ah'll see yons awn tha bakebuk!

Ciarán Ó Maoláin said...

Nathin fur it bit fur till press are hard pressed housewives even harder fur till mek sure they stick till the traditional purchasin routes and tak er home unsliced.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

The slicin o' the Veda is akin til cuttin' the heart oot o' Ulster. We must make oor stawn. Here ah am, an Ah cannae be arsed wi it.

Daveboy said...

Good man yersel' Professor Billy. We need til stand bold an' strong aginst this blatant attack on oor Ulster Scot heritage. The time may nat be richt fur pointin' the malty-crumbed finger o' blame, but it's nat called the "Pan" Nationalist Front for nathin.