Thursday, 22 September 2011

Down with this surt of thing Part 2, and Free State Elections

Down wi' this surt o' thing agin.

Edwin Poots has foun' hissel in wild bother again, this time o'er the heid o' Gay Folk an' their blood. Now Ah dinnae ken the full story, but it wud seem that there are some out there whit are mad for gettin' their hands on Gay Folk Blood, whilst Edwin thinks we shud let them keep it fur themselfs. Oddly this has come up fur in the England they have changed the rules to say that Fruits and the like can give blood, but oany if they havnae had sex in a year. This seems odd til me as it implies that oany ugly gay men who cannae git their end away can give blood, an guid lukkin' wans shudnae buther.

In a move which reflects the DUP's desire fur til make sure Northern Ireland is a fully signed up part o' the UK, Minister Poots has decided that we willnae fally suit, an' will continue til ban Gay blood fur "safety" reasons fur iver. Needless to say the Shinners and the UUP an' the like are gi'en aff about this, but Ah fur yin am backin' the Minister, as the sharin' o' Gay blood is likely fur til laid til the complete moral breakdown of oor society. Ah will demonstrate this logic fowerthwith.
  • If ye get give gay blood, ye are likely til become a wee bit gay. This is proven by scientific studies carried out in Larne which proved that when give a wee bit o' gay blood o'erwise nat Gay (normal) men started likin' candles an' goin' til the gym an' o'er Gay hobbies. 
  • If this trend continued there wud soon be a chronic cushion shortage across Northern Ireland, as previously straight men piled so many of them on their sofa that ye cudnae sit on it.
  • In turn this wud lead til inflation in the candles an' cushions market, causin' womenfolk til become disgruntled an' potentially waste their money on shoes instead. 
  • As a result o' this normal men who had nat been contaminated wi' Gay blood wud get cross wi' their wifes, fur they hardly noticed the candles an' cushions but now every time they opened the wardrobe shoes wud fall on them an' they'd fair notice thon. 
  • This wud lead til an increase in divorces, and possibly a United Ireland, which is why the Shinners are in favour of it. 

Free State Presidential Elections

Ah hid pretty much ignored this fur Ah hidnae heard o' any o' the candidates an' cudnae care less tae be annest, til suddenly the whole thing livened up the o'er day. Ah refer, o' coorse, til the decision o' Marty McGuinness til stan'. 

In a move which wud potentially see the Free State take two o' oor bigger arseholes aff our hands in the space o' a year, Marty is lukkin' til join his friend Gerry workin' o'er the border, passibly whilst still claimin' in the North. 

Themuns in the Free State have bin doin' a wild lot o' slaggin' o' Marty as a candidate, but he seems til me tae be richt an' well qualified fur the jab. Ma unnerstannin' o' the role o' Free State President is that the main' jabs are stickin' yer nose in up here an' bein' heid yin o' some armed forces, both things Marty has a fair bit o' experience off. 

That said Ah feel unable til affer him ma full support in his campaign, an' thus Ah considered stannin' messel til affer the Ulster Scots o' the Free State a viable alternative. Howiver Ah hiv decided til step aside an insteid throw ma weight behine a mair viable candidate, namely Sir Jackie Fullerton. Ye can provide yer ain backin' here


Cynic said...

I am appalled at the vista that noo confronts gawd fearing Ulster Pratestants. Yes, it's a wairst threat than Buckfast at a Church Parade.

If the deamon monster Maguinness gets elected by fawk in anither part of Ireland that isnae pairt of Ulster, can he then gae pardons tae all his fairmer colleagues fur crims committed in de north?

Anonymous said...

Great stuff Sir Billy. Any chance of a 'down with this surt o thing part thrie', o'er the heid o Rihanna gettin her praties oot in a field in Bengor the o'er day, until yon Ulster Scots fermer telt her tae pit the kex back oan an get her scraggy erse alang tae bible class? Padraig x