Monday, 9 January 2012

The Seven Wunders o' the Ulster Scots Wurld.

Small man, big stain
Ah hid occasion fur til putt doon me usual Newsletter (official organ o' the Ulster Scot) an' peruse the Belfast Telegraf the o'er day, an' was maist interested til see thit they are havin' a vote as to whit wud be the tap yin  o' the "Seven Wunders o' Nairthern Ireland".  Sae far we hiv such wunders as "Belfast Taxis", naminated by Jim McDonald frae Coronation Street, who Ah thunk was in jail, an' Glenarrif, naminated by the poverty struck SDLP heid yin, Alasdair McDonnell. "The Glens," he says, "chase politics from my mind." Clearly he is spennin' tae much time in them.  Anyhow the raison Ah was interested is that Ah had been givin' some thocht til a similar list o' Ulster Scots Wunders, an hiv duly perused the original Seven Wunders o' the Ancient Wurld fur inspiration. Thesuns appear til be....

  • The Hangin' Gardens o' Babylon
  • The Statue o' Zeus at Olympia
  • The Colossus o' Rhodes
  • The Lighthouse at Alexandria
  • The Temple o' Artemis at Ephesus
  • The Mausoleum o' Halicarnassus
  • The Great Pyramid o' Giza.
Surely now, Ah thunk, there is nae mair interesting, ancient an' civilised folk than the Ulster Scot. We are boun' til be able tae match thy'on, an' thus Ah am able til offer yis a new poll on.......

The Seven Wunder's o' the Ulster Scots Wurld. 

Wunder Yin: The Hanging Swings o' the Ards Penisula

Themuns in Babylon seem til have fancied their horticultural skills, but ye can bet they'd hiv nathin' til compare til the swings at Cloughey or indaid the dual play park combination boasted by Portavogie. (There is yin behine the Chinese, an' yin at the far end near the pubic convenience.) Even Ballyhalbert has a fine playpark an' it disnae saim til have any folk livin' it. An Ballywalter has tennis coorts. Nebuchadnezzar ma arse. 

Wunder Twa: The Statue o' King Billy at Carrickfergus.

And lo' the guid folk o' Ulster didst decide fur til erect a statue o' King Billy, yin that wud commemorate the 300th anniversary o' the Glorious Revolution an' his majesty landin' in their fair town, yin that would reflect the great man's martial skills an' inspire local an' tourist alike. However they hadnae any money so they stuck up a wee totty one o' him thit yid hardly notice an' appears til have Billy lukkin intil the coach park. 

Wunder Three: The Colossus o' Prods:

Also knain as Sammy Wilson. Red o' cheeks, amusin' o' hair, crap at sums an' bare o' bum. There can be nae other, an' nor shud there be.

Wunder Four: The Shitehouse o' the Craigavon.

The o'er surt are mad fur sleggin' aff the auld Goverment o' Nairthern Ireland, gittin' on aboot Gerry Manderin' an' "Unionist Misrule." However the real reason the auld goverment was shite is that they invented Craigavon. Even the maist blind o' toon planners cud hiv seen thit combining twa medium sized shiteholes in Lurgan an' Portadown wud oany result in yin giant shitehole, albeit yin wi the maist impressive selection o' inspirationally named roundabouts in the western hemisphere. 

Wunder Five: The Temple o' Arsemis at Belfast.

Alsae knain as Martyrs Memorial Free Presbytron Church. Fur years the guid folk o' Ulster could flack til hear the preachin' o' Arsemis hissel, but he has retired now, til be replaced wi' a similarly mental heid yin, but nat yin that Ah can either mine the name o', or be arsed lukkin' up.

Wunder Six: The Pauseoleum o' Stormont:

At the Great Pauseoleum o' Stormont, brief flurries o' activity are interspersed wi' lang periods o' nat spakin' til each o'er. OK Ah was strugglin' here fur somethin' that sounded similar an' this was the best Ah cud dae. 

Wunder Seven: The Great Parade at Scarva

There can be few o'er cultures in the wurld that have anythin' til compete wi' the momentous occasion that is the 13th at Scarva. Where else wud thousans o' folk gather fur til watch a lock o' men in suits danderin' alang behine a rake o' half cut bands playin' hymns on flutes? Where else wud news raiders make the same joke on an annual basis aboot who wud win a sham ficht before handin' o'er til Angie wi' the weather. Wi' a range o' stalls an' burger vans unsurpassed in the civilized wurld the inherent Wunderfulness o' the Great Parade shud be clear til yin an' all. 

There, a half arsed list o' interestin' cultural tourist attractions allowin' yis til vote as yis see fit. Sure it is better than the yin in the Telegraph, an' ye dinnae hiv til raid a rake o' shite writ by some celebrity.


The Pigeon Doctor said...

Quhit's goan on here? Ye're after makin a wile lock o chainges til yer wabstied wi'out sayin yin wee word aboot it? Ye cannae dae that, man. We, tha folk o Ulster dinnae like chainge - ye ken that as guid as aabody. Wi aa that isnae tha same Ah cannae git settled fur tae eat ma Veda. Ye micht ha gie us a wee warnin afore this!

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

jist havin a wee footer Pigeon Dactur fella.

The Pigeon Doctor said...

Ah am after thinkin Ah wis mebbe oer hasty wi ma wurds o criticism, Professor. Fur ye're only ettlin fur tae gie tha fowk o Ulster a modren-luikin hame fur wor culture. It isnae 1690 onie mair, tho there micht be a wheen o fowk amang us qhua wud wish it so.

Ye micht can tell Ah am after ettin up ma wee piece o Veda an a boul o tay, qhua hae pit me in gie guid humour altogither.