Thursday, 2 July 2009

Tapical Things*, fur we are a tapical site*

Deid Folk.

The entertainin' industry his bin racked this last wheen o' days by the passin o' twa o' the gratest entertainers the wurld his seen. The passin' o' Michael Jackson wis bad enough, but now we are faced wi' the loss o' Mollie Sugden. As ah' screed thousans o fans wurldwide are bukkin' thar tickets til visit Grace Bruthers, near til England, tae pay tribute til the hen wha' kept losin' her Pussy in the mid seventies.

"But whit his this gat tae dae wi' the Ulster Scot?" ah hear yis cry, fur the yinst time in ages. The anser shud be obvious(ish). As a yung man Michael Jackson's da Joe wis nicknamed "Stonewall" by his pals in Portrush Primary Skool. Emigratin' betwain 1896 an 1927 , he went oan tae father yin o' the gratest Ulster Scots pap icons iver. (Other grate Ulster Scots pap icons include Take Thy'on, wi' ma nephew Rabbie McWilliams, Madonney an' Noddy Hauler aff Slade). Jackson remained true til his roots pennin' hit tunes such as Bate it an' Wullie John - a tribute tae Ulster Rugby Legend WJ McBride, but he wis forced tae change the name o' the tune by his record company.

Mainwile Mollie Sugden - whit makes her an' Ulster Scot? The best ah kin dae is tae claim that the Christian name o' Mrs Slocombe wis Lily.

Thy'ons nat the point, howiver, themuns are deid whilst others live, an' cannae deserve tae dae sae. That is the point o' this weeks pole.

Ulster Scots Academy.

Some consternation o'er the heid o' the Ulster Scots Academy this week.
Some oot thar are claimin' it is a "non-existant" academy, costin' over £7 million. This is Ballicks, fur we here at 1690 are that academy, fur ye kin sit aroun' drunk in yer pants, git degrees an' everythin' jist like a real University.

Rude Place Name Pole

Ah furgat Muff, whit kin a say? Ringsend wins, an' rightly sae o'er the heid o' the opposition. Howiver wi' nae Muff ah declare this pole null an' void.


Fur yince ah am tapical, fur the match oany finished 5 minutes ago. Ah wis bildin' up fur a Wimbleden specil oan how Andy Murray is an Ulster Scot descendeded frae Col Adam Murray, hero o' the Siege o' Londonderry, but now ah cannae be arsed. Fur bye tennis is a hen's game, an' the true sport o' the Ulster Scot is motorcycle road racin'.

*Tapicality is entirely based oan raidin' last weeks papers.


Manuel said...

Tremendous stuff.....really really tremendous....

Fat Sparrow said...

As an American who will be moving to Norn Iron, it is refreshing to know that you are that Academy. I'll be looking forward to printing up my degree.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Nae buther Fat Sparra, an yil be mair than welcome when ye git here, sae lang as ye dinnae try tae git aff wi' any o' oor native burds when yer here.

Fat Sparrow said...

Nae wurries, I'm a burd mahself, an I'm already hitched to a recovering bitter balls, with a sprog named "William," ye'll be proud to hear.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

An nae finer name cud thar be fur a wain.
Ah am impressed wi yer knawledge o' the hamely tongue, fur maist Americans are ignorant o' maist things.
Ah am fur assumin' that yer yin o' the clever yins, like Bruce Springsteen an' Davy Crockett.

Fat Sparrow said...

Aye, Ah wasnae drapped on mah heid as mich as yer average American babby.

Ah had smarts enow tae marry an Ulster Scots mawn, ye ken?

Old Knudsen said...

First Jack and then Mollie when will it ever stop? Never mind that the important thing is that Old Knudsen has entered the building.
Its been a tough and lonely road carrying the culture of our peeps upon my broad and manly shoulders but God told me by text message in 2006 "Old Knudsen you are of me lost tribe the Levis who without them there would be no jeans, carry you bloody handed star of David to the new world or I won't repay the tenner I owe you, love God".

When I say text message it was a bit of paper wrapped round a half brick thrown through me windy which was a miracle as all my windys had been boarded up.

Old Knudsen hoored himself out to the yanks and explained every expression and joke in detail tis tiring. I shall be returning to the Orange Isle soon as fenian oppression has really gotten slack. Maybe you lot, me, *Manuel* and the ton of boring Norn Iron bloggers that make the Irish look good can sit at the losing table for the Bogtrotter Blog awards in Belfast next year, its all pollitics ya know.

*confused about nationality*

You may continue Old knudsen must go lie doon with a young friend and rest.

As alien Ian once said, " NO! I want tae not coffee"

ellie said...

Manuel sent me. Loving your blog. Hilarious!

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Fur the noo, ah hiv nae idea whit is goin' oan.

Fat Sparrow said...

Sorry, Professor. Yer man Maunuel up there Tweeted about your blog here, so you've now been invaded by new readers. I've been spreading the word, too, so it's only a matter of time before all sorts of Yanks show up to have a gander at you.

Professor Billy McWilliams said...


Fat Sparrow said...

Uh yup.

Anonymous said...

Away ah thon, ya minger spide (I wanted to write "Cont" but Al wouldnae let me). ye beattor hae ah luk at mah blog ya bass. Its in tha spaik o´the Queeen (RIP Freddie).
bout ye
Dr. Rank
(Love from Munich & Al)

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Billy McWilliams Ah Cannae remember ma login ya bass
Herr Doktor Otto von Menzies of thon ilk. Chair of the Prussian-Scots Liberation Front

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Dr Stalin an' the Herr Dokter, this is an edukational site an' durtiness is limited.
Clearly yis wur oan the fancy Gurman beer last nicht an' ah've bin forced tae delete yer last comment.