Sunday, 13 December 2009

Ulster Scots of the Decade

Ah hadnae realised we were fur comin' til the end o' a decade, but then ah noticed thit awl the papers are reviewin' the nochties, an' ah thunk ah shud dae likewise. The rise o' the DUP tae power o'er the last decade mains thit they feature richt an' heavy.

10. Barrack Obama.

As explained a while ago, Barack Obama his gat Ulster Scots roots. Burstin' oantil the scene in late 2008 he thus is able fur til gain a place in oor top ten folk. His place wus unner threat frae Thierry Henry, who almaist sneaked in fur services rendered til Ulster Scots who want til watch the wurld cup wi'oot boys in thar wurk bein' smug. Howiver winning the Noble Peace Prize fur Peace wi'oot daein bugger awl proved thit he's a boy til be reckoned on.

9. Iris Robinson

Iris cud be in this list oan loveliness alone, but she is awarded place nummer 9 fur her general kindness, goodness of hart and Christian charity. That an' her work buildin' bridges wi' the gays. Howiver Iris hid better watch hersel o'er the next decade, fur thy'on Michelle McIlveen is a richt lukker an' holds equally attractive political views.

8. Me

Professor Billy McWilliams ris frae hummle roots fernenst Lisnaffify til become the wurlds fowermaist Ulster Scots cultural commentator in the north Tyrone region. Whilst he has his detractors, Mrs McWilliams, yer yin wha wrote in til complain til the paper, the Pope an' the o'er yin wha wrote intil the paper, there can be nae doubtin' his influence in high level Ulster Scots circulars. This despite a chronic addiction til Sausage Rolls an' the fact thit he has til spen' a lot o' his time batin' weemin aff wi' a stick.

7. Ian Paisley Junior

The Reverend Dr Big Ian Paisley may hiv grabbed maist o' the heidlines o'er the last 138 years, but Ian Junior his bin wurkin' away quietly in the background. O'er the last wheen o' years yung Ian his overcome chronic disadvantages, a basic lack of intelligence, poor family connections, nae financial accumen an' a face like a depressed horse til become yin o' Ulster's favourite an' maist respected MLAs. Ah think.

6. Jordan/Katie Price.

Yis didnae knae she wus an Ulster Scot did yis? Well she is, an' she's wile famous sae ah've included her fur that rasion alone, nat because it gave me an excuse fur til luk up images of her oan the interweb. In this picture she appears til hiv twa boys frae ma wurk stuffed doon her dress. There were better photys but Mrs McWilliams micht luk at this.

5. Paul Berry

Rememmer him? He had a wile bad sports injury an' went fur a massage. Sae whit? Disgracefully treated by the media on account o' his injury, he wus bate aff in the election an vanished. In dae'in sae he did us all a great service, revailin' as he did the anti-Unionist bias o' the newpaper folk in this country. As such he remains an icon tae folk like messel, determined fur til bring balance an' dacency back til the media.

4. Christine Bleakley

The voice o' the Ulster Scot oan the BBC, Christine is knain an' loved by awl fur her infectious laughter an' in depth interviewin' techniques on the "Yin Show". This is officially the gratest television o' awl time, mainly because o' Christine. Ivrything ah've learned in the wurld came aff the Yin Show, apart frae ma intensive knowledge o' sexual techniques, which ah learned aff the "Busty Ballymena" an' similar gentlemen's websites. Christine is the nummer yin pin-up in the McWilliams household, or at laist in ma shed. Fur it has a key, an' Mrs McWilliams cannae get intil it wi'oot knockin'.

3. Tiger Woods

As wi' Jordan yis micht nat be aware o' his Ulster Scotsness, but apparently he has just aboot every race in the wurld in thar somewair an' the chances are we're involved. Thit an' the fact that ah went til school wi' a boy called Woods, an he wus frae Lurgan sae it maist be true. Like Paul Berry, he is bein' unduly criticised by a pro-Republican media, fur a crime he micht nat hiv committed. Ah dinnae raid the papers much, but wiv all driv intil things roun' oor hooses an' we havenae been hauled o'er the coals like Tiger. Mrs McWilliams driv intil me yince, an' ah hid til smash the car windae wi' a cricket bat, but she was drunk at the time. Sae wus ah mine you. We had a quare laugh after.
Oh aye, an' he's richt an' handy at the Golf, which wus invented in Scotland, sae he makes nummer 3, nathin tae dae wi' the fact thit ah'm runnin' out o' ideas.

2. Dr Wullie McIlveen

Controversial international archaeologist, writer, cattle rustler, banjo player an' film director (dirty), Dr Wullie McIlveen is the "power behine the throne" fur arselves here oan 1690. Although he his been less prolific in his writings of late, the auther of "Stains ah hiv hoked oot" an' "Celtics ma Arse" has remained busy. He is currently engaged oan a script fur a new film aboot the hunger strikes. Intended as a reposte til yer artist boy's film "Hunger" it is essentially a revisionist view of the period, unner the wurkin' title "Cud ye gae a Chicken Supper."

1. Sammy Wilson.

Who else cud it be? Former school teacher, nudey fella, comedy turn at Party conferences an' general awl roun' polymath, Sammy has harnessed his knowledge o' the wurld o' Science tae become the wurld's tap expert oan climate nat changin'. When Sammy speaks, wurld laiders listen. Heid yin Peter Robinson recognised Sammy's genius, an' the high level o' repect in which he is held, an' promoted him fur til be in charge o' awl oor money. Sammy is nat afraid tae make difficult decisions, swinging his axe aboot like he wus runnin' oan a French beach. With his fair minded attitude, political maturity an' three different jobs til dae, it is guid tae know that Sammy is there tae guide us through these troubled financial times. Truely a mawn til reflect oor times, a decade in which lack of talent is nae barrier til bein' in charge o' wile important things.


Old Knudsen said...

I thought fer sure that George Best who pissed away a liver that could have saved someone else but still gets his gob on money would have been mentioned.

Like the Titanic and Russell Crowe he is a fine example of Ulster/Scots and their "wat are you lookin at" attitude.

Sammy W is the man fruk Gobal warming where is our ice-age? he says........ give him the peace prize.

Anonymous said...

Did you ever find out what yer man needed massaging?

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

I had til leave oot Georgie, mainly on account o' the fak that his best decade wus the 1960s.

As fur what wus been massaged, it wus a sports injury, so probably a groin strain oor the like.

Liam said...

What qualifications did the men you work with need for the Katie Price job?

Does your employer require you to do anything similar?

Fat Sparrow said...

I'd have to vote for # 8, myself.

Your man Sammy there uses too much rouge and lip gloss.

Anonymous said...

For shame. The Beep reports that nearly £2m has been given to groups promoting Ulster-Scots across Greater Ulster, while Gordon McBrown and his clan in London search for pennies to pay for the big choppers our brave boys in khaki like so much. What, Mr Professor, do you have to say to that?

Professor Billy McWilliams said...

Cudnae agree Anonymous.
See ma post frae earlier. Ah'm nae pal o' the Ulster Scots Agency folk, fur they gie me nathin'.